Author Topic: Happy 18th, Jacob L.S.P. (Read 3949 times)

24/7 · « **on:** September 9, 2015, 08:51:31 am »

Your father is meant to be your hero, your mentor, your protector, the fella you look up to for advice, wisdom, leadership, discipline, friendship.

In those few years I knew you, I was (and gave) none of these and that will shame me until the day I die.

You were born in the early hours of Sept 9th, 1997. Typically of me at the time, I missed it, cos I was working, with some misguided notion that that was more important, as it contributed to a future that, through bitter irony, never even arrived.

I missed your first words, I missed your first steps, I missed your first everything. I even missed the day I lost you.

Had I known at the time, on that day we played in the park, that it would be the last, I would have held on to you forever, however futile and naive such a gesture would have been.

I did arrive the day after you were born and the photo of me holding on to you then is the most treasured picture I have. But it's always been too late for such sentiment. All I have left are memories, some pictures and a fuckton of guilt and shame.

I should have been there for you. I should have fought harder for you. I should have been a bigger man. I should have been a LOT better, kinder, understanding to your mum.

I should have been a FATHER!

Today I should have been there with you, maybe buying your first legal drink and embarrassing you in our local with sentimental guff, maybe putting a pic of you by the roadside, all gummy with milk around yer gob, a couple of months old, you know the type, with HAPPY 18TH JAKEY! on it, as close to the school as possible to maximise embarrassment to yer mates - maybe yer girlfriend (or boyfriend, it really wouldn't have mattered to me) would gently tease you about it and you'd give me some banter in the pub........

.........but that's not possible is it? Would it ever have been? Who knows? Could I have changed history? Could "things have been different/better"? I don't know.

But I never even tried - I thought I was doing the "right thing" by you - I thought I was being "clever" - and I don't know how to say sorry for that, for everything, for all my failings. I can only put it out there and hope against hope you receive the message somehow through some cosmic miracle or intervention.

I never had another child. I couldn't. Not after this. You were the first and last, Jake.

Happy 18th my little man.

24/7 · « **Reply #1 on:** September 9, 2015, 05:50:11 pm »

Had some interesting responses to this - thanks for the PMs, very much appreciated on a hard day.......

Someone suggested I actually open this for comments that others might wish to share about their own situations - and I agree - I feel selfish now cos like it's not all about ME!!! Others might want to talk about their situations.

So if anyone else has had difficulties with fatherhood or any other situation related to the OP that they want to share, please feel free. It's good to talk.

Barneylfc∗ · « **Reply #2 on:** September 9, 2015, 06:06:30 pm »

I read this first thing this morning and at the start of the post I thought the worst and that Jacob was no longer with us. Obviously, and thankfully, that's not the case. I hope you's reconcile some day in the future mate. I couldn't bear the thoughts of ever being without my lad.

Fiasco · « **Reply #3 on:** September 9, 2015, 06:21:31 pm »

Hope you are doing OK Jim. Be strong mate.

John C · « **Reply #4 on:** September 9, 2015, 06:40:35 pm »

Thinking of you Jim mate.

Les Willis · « **Reply #5 on:** September 9, 2015, 06:40:49 pm »

It must be difficult Jim. Hope one day you get to see him.

I split with my ex when I had young kids and although I've always kept in touch and seen them fairly regularly, it was always difficult, particularly when they were young. I missed them terribly when they weren't with me.
Mine are all over 18 now (apart from my youngest son through current partner). Oddly (or not) its my 18 year old daughter who is the most estranged from me. We just never bonded and I think it's because she was very young when me and the ex split (all my fault).

That probably doesn't help and I don't know the circumstances, but there may come a time when he looks for you.

Samie · « **Reply #6 on:** September 9, 2015, 06:44:38 pm »

I echo this as well.

Quote from: Fiasco on September 9, 2015, 06:21:31 pm

Hope you are doing OK Jim. Be strong mate.

And I don't really like to get too personal on here but my old man and grandad have barely spoken to one another in 14 years. My ma and gran have tried for years to sort the shite out but it just causes more aggro. Then my dad get's pissed at ma for butting in...yeah viscous cycle.

Ycuzz · « **Reply #7 on:** September 9, 2015, 11:01:03 pm »

First of all, I apologize for breaking up your post, but

Quote from: 24/7 on September 9, 2015, 05:50:11 pm

I feel selfish now cos like it's not all about ME!!! Others might want to talk about their situations.

I can't speak for others, but I have and would have no problems whatsoever, given the OP, that this is your thread.

I fully see your point - and I do agree. You're a good'un Jim. But if need be, this should be all yours and ours to look after.

As with all threads like it.

Thoughts with you and yours.

Jake · « **Reply #8 on:** September 10, 2015, 12:33:18 am »

Man I read that and thought your son had passed away when he was a bairn.

Still, wishing you all the best of course jim mate. One day it'll get through if you keep on plugging away.

24/7 · « **Reply #9 on:** September 9, 2018, 09:31:34 pm »

Happy 21st son. One day, somehow I'll explain all...

jillcwhomever · « **Reply #10 on:** September 9, 2018, 09:45:05 pm »

Keep believing Jim, hope you are okay.

sms1986 · « **Reply #11 on:** September 9, 2018, 09:54:39 pm »

I hope you're doing OK, best of wishes to you.

CHOPPER · « **Reply #12 on:** September 9, 2018, 10:19:35 pm »

Barneylfc∗ · « **Reply #13 on:** September 9, 2018, 10:20:33 pm »

Chin up Jim. It's not to late to search for him and try to build a relationship.

TepidT2O · « **Reply #14 on:** September 9, 2018, 10:23:04 pm »

Oh Jim, I’d not read this before. It’s heart breaking

I don’t have the words to help, but know at least that we are all thinking of you.

kesey · « **Reply #15 on:** September 9, 2018, 11:05:39 pm »

Quote from: 24/7 on September 9, 2018, 09:31:34 pm

Happy 21st son. One day, somehow I'll explain all...

Fuckin' ell mate I've never seen this thread before .

Here's me with my head twatted about the situation with Fleur and you've supported me in kind words and all along you've had this going on.

What a Diamond you are.

John C · « **Reply #16 on:** September 9, 2018, 11:42:37 pm »

All the best Jacob.

the 92A · « **Reply #17 on:** September 9, 2018, 11:56:11 pm »

Just seen this, Jim lots of love flying through the air heading in your direction, hope one day for both of you this may have a happy ending

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #18 on:** September 10, 2018, 09:04:04 am »

You are a good man

Ziltoid · « **Reply #19 on:** September 10, 2018, 09:38:22 am »

Happy birthday Jacob, hope you get to meet your old man soon

Stay strong Jim

Medellin · « **Reply #20 on:** September 10, 2018, 09:45:15 am »

^^ Indeed.

Good luck Jim.

McrRed · « **Reply #21 on:** September 10, 2018, 12:51:37 pm »

Kids need dads. Kids need dads that want to be Fathers.

All the best to you, mate from another father who wishes he'd done better. X

The Gulleysucker · « **Reply #22 on:** September 10, 2018, 11:10:36 pm »

Only just seen this.

I can only echo what others have said and sincerely hope you can both amicably resolve the sad situation some day, and soon, and you can start to have many happy father and son experiences together.

soxfan · « **Reply #23 on:** September 11, 2018, 12:34:19 am »

Good luck my friend.

jambutty · « **Reply #24 on:** October 7, 2018, 01:27:37 pm »

Yer soft git.

Whether you know it or not, your tragedy has turned you into the feeling facilitator that you are.

Your work with Hillsborough survivors is only the best so far of all you've contributed to civic issues.

You're among the best of us, James (which you're finally starting to realise), and we are all better for your presence.

Jacob would be proud of you.

TepidT2O · « **Reply #25 on:** October 7, 2018, 01:36:57 pm »

Feeling facilitator.... make him sound like one of Trump’s friends!

jambutty · « **Reply #26 on:** October 7, 2018, 02:10:17 pm »

Quote from: Tepid T₂O on October 7, 2018, 01:36:57 pm

Feeling facilitator.... make him sound like one of Trump’s friends!

I was speaking from personal experience

.

24/7 · « **Reply #27 on:** September 9, 2020, 03:30:03 pm »

Happy 23rd lad.

For the first time in these last 20 or so years, I'm feeling the beginnings of the courage to look for you......

(I fuckin love RAWK - you lot are so supportive - even to someone like me who's dropped a massive bollock around one of the most important subjects for a human - being a parent. I've learned over the last two years that if you carry the guilt and shame, they eventually pull you under. I've also learned some important things about forgiveness. If I can find where his mother is, I can test the waters - if Jacob even knows of my existence, I can then consider if it's wise to seek him out and seek his forgiveness. If it turns out it's not the best thing to do, then the most loving thing for everyone is for me to find another way to release the guilt and shame of being a shite dad. I'm increasingly curious though to see how he turned out, how the circumstances I saw him enter into at a very early age have supported him and his growth. I'd like to see the man he has turned into - even if from a distance.........)

McrRed · « **Reply #28 on:** September 9, 2020, 04:52:48 pm »

Happy birthday!!!

El Lobo · « **Reply #29 on:** September 9, 2020, 05:23:55 pm »

Happy birthday young man

Ziltoid · « **Reply #30 on:** September 9, 2020, 07:17:23 pm »

Have a good one Jacob, i can tell you your dad is a really sound bloke.

James, hate using Sunday names, i really hope you find some kind of future with your lad.

👍

Son of Spion · « **Reply #31 on:** September 9, 2020, 11:53:19 pm »

Quote from: 24∗7 on September 9, 2015, 08:51:31 am

Your father is meant to be your hero, your mentor, your protector, the fella you look up to for advice, wisdom, leadership, discipline, friendship.

In those few years I knew you, I was (and gave) none of these and that will shame me until the day I die.

You were born in the early hours of Sept 9th, 1997. Typically of me at the time, I missed it, cos I was working, with some misguided notion that that was more important, as it contributed to a future that, through bitter irony, never even arrived.

I missed your first words, I missed your first steps, I missed your first everything. I even missed the day I lost you.

Had I known at the time, on that day we played in the park, that it would be the last, I would have held on to you forever, however futile and naive such a gesture would have been.

I did arrive the day after you were born and the photo of me holding on to you then is the most treasured picture I have. But it's always been too late for such sentiment. All I have left are memories, some pictures and a fuckton of guilt and shame.

I should have been there for you. I should have fought harder for you. I should have been a bigger man. I should have been a LOT better, kinder, understanding to your mum.

I should have been a FATHER!

Today I should have been there with you, maybe buying your first legal drink and embarrassing you in our local with sentimental guff, maybe putting a pic of you by the roadside, all gummy with milk around yer gob, a couple of months old, you know the type, with HAPPY 18TH JAKEY! on it, as close to the school as possible to maximise embarrassment to yer mates - maybe yer girlfriend (or boyfriend, it really wouldn't have mattered to me) would gently tease you about it and you'd give me some banter in the pub........

.........but that's not possible is it? Would it ever have been? Who knows? Could I have changed history? Could "things have been different/better"? I don't know.

But I never even tried - I thought I was doing the "right thing" by you - I thought I was being "clever" - and I don't know how to say sorry for that, for everything, for all my failings. I can only put it out there and hope against hope you receive the message somehow through some cosmic miracle or intervention.

I never had another child. I couldn't. Not after this. You were the first and last, Jake.

Happy 18th my little man.

I make no apologies for quoting your entire opening post.

It's the first time I think I've ever seen this thread.

All I can say it exhibits just what an amazing human being you have grown up to be. You made mistakes and have regrets, but my god, you've learned so much from them. All that life can ask of us is that we learn from our experiences and act accordingly, and you've certainly learned so much from yours. In some ways your post is a tough read, but it's also rather beautiful too. I'd be very tempted to print it off and keep it with me if I were in your shoes. If the fates ever bring you and your son together again, and words fail you, the words in your post say it all so beautifully.

Some day, somehow, I hope life brings you both together.

All the best Jacob, I hope your birthday was a good one.

24/7 · « **Reply #32 on:** September 10, 2020, 08:18:41 am »

Cheers fella - regarding that OP, I was offered a reflection from a tough love position a couple of years ago by someone whose view I trust - she said that whilst it shows genuine emotion/vulnerability it also came across as a bit too self-involved. She has seen/heard my shifting attitude towards this topic and now says my approach is a cleaner one, since I've cleaned out a lot of the 'stuff' around it and that this is indeed the right time to consider finding him.

My intention to find him is based in my desire to see what has become of him - but firstly I need to establish if he even knows I exist. If he doesn't, then I don't want to burst the bubble - cos if he has grown up not knowing i exist, then his mother will have had her reasons. If I wade in with size 43 and a halfs, it could cause irreparable damage. It's not for me to undo her lie, if that's the situation.

If he does know I exist, then he might have some negative feelings around it all - which would be understandable and I'd most likely take that risk. On the other hand, he might be pleased I went to look for him and maybe it could heal a wound within himself that he'd been carrying, not knowing where his real dad was or if his real dad even cared.....and I recognise now that nobody would have the right to prevent me from making that decision to make contact.....and I also no longer have the fear of what his mother might think/say/feel/do about it........

At this point, it all seems to depend on three things - i) can I find his mother (ii) to ask if he knows I exist (iii) and would she tell me the truth?

Previously I've resisted posting anything visual. Today I get past that.

John C · « **Reply #33 on:** September 10, 2020, 08:34:09 am »

Sorry missed this yesterday Jim. Great pic mate.

Son of Spion · « **Reply #34 on:** September 10, 2020, 07:37:38 pm »

Quote from: 24∗7 on September 10, 2020, 08:18:41 am

Cheers fella - regarding that OP, I was offered a reflection from a tough love position a couple of years ago by someone whose view I trust - she said that whilst it shows genuine emotion/vulnerability it also came across as a bit too self-involved. She has seen/heard my shifting attitude towards this topic and now says my approach is a cleaner one, since I've cleaned out a lot of the 'stuff' around it and that this is indeed the right time to consider finding him.

My intention to find him is based in my desire to see what has become of him - but firstly I need to establish if he even knows I exist. If he doesn't, then I don't want to burst the bubble - cos if he has grown up not knowing i exist, then his mother will have had her reasons. If I wade in with size 43 and a halfs, it could cause irreparable damage. It's not for me to undo her lie, if that's the situation.

If he does know I exist, then he might have some negative feelings around it all - which would be understandable and I'd most likely take that risk. On the other hand, he might be pleased I went to look for him and maybe it could heal a wound within himself that he'd been carrying, not knowing where his real dad was or if his real dad even cared.....and I recognise now that nobody would have the right to prevent me from making that decision to make contact.....and I also no longer have the fear of what his mother might think/say/feel/do about it........

At this point, it all seems to depend on three things - i) can I find his mother (ii) to ask if he knows I exist (iii) and would she tell me the truth?

Previously I've resisted posting anything visual. Today I get past that.

That's a lovely picture.

For what it's worth, I think it's a little harsh to suggest your OP was a bit too self-involved. Fair dos, the person who said it knows you far better than I do but, for me, you can only speak from your own perspective, given the circumstances as you experience them.

I hope it somehow works out well for you. It's hard to know how to go about it though, isn't it? I remember counselling a young person who lived with mum and step-father. This person looked up her biological dad and found his house. I well recall the dilemma around making contact or not. Also, if it would open up a Pandora's box of emotions. In this case, contact was made and it worked out well for all parties, but I know this isn't always the case. I suppose it's the chance you have to take if you want to do what you consider to be right.

However you proceed, I hope it works out well for all concerned. All the best.

kavah · « **Reply #35 on:** September 12, 2020, 04:33:54 am »

Lovely photo that Jim mate. I hope it all works out for you and him eventually.

24/7 · « **Reply #36 on:** September 9, 2021, 04:08:59 pm »

Losing my dad so dramatically and wrenchingly spurred me on to find Jacob.

I've found him. I know how to reach him.

Today's his 24th birthday.

But, importantly, I found his mother too............and I'm wondering if the best approach is to go through her first - because I have no idea if he even knows I exist.........

And that's what this is all about - existence.

My father practised selective editing, which is part of the trauma I've experienced this last fortnight - so I've been questioning the validity my very existence.........and part of that existence is being his father.

So I am a little bit conflicted - I know that nobody can take that fact away from me - but now I have the opportunity to see if I can make it a little bit more real.

I'll approach her........and ask. If she wants me nowhere near it, if she confirms he doesn't know I exist, I'll likely leave it at that - I don't want to rip his world apart - cos it might have a similar effect on him that some of the shit I uncovered has had on me........but if he knows I exist, then I will make a judgement call on whether or not I approach him.

Naturally, I want it to be clean for us all - I won't rock the boat for the sake of doing so. That would be unfair and unethical. Just cos I have the right, it doesn't make it the right thing to do.

Anyway - nothing happens by chance - finding Jacob days after my father died, days before his birthday and days before Jacob's own birthday........tell me that's not destiny.

Reflections welcome.

CraigDS · « **Reply #37 on:** September 9, 2021, 04:28:26 pm »

I think you're right to maybe go via his mother first, as if he does know she can maybe make that first contact a lot easier and smoother for both him and you.

Hope it all goes well for you though, can't be an easy thing to go through.

Nobby Reserve · « **Reply #38 on:** September 9, 2021, 04:48:10 pm »

I hope with all my heart that you get some resolution to this that you are happy with. You deserve it.

Medellin · « **Reply #39 on:** September 9, 2021, 04:54:28 pm »

Reach out Jim, can only second what Craig has posted.
It's better knowing where you are at than not knowing.
It could go either way but whilst you have that chance you should be taking it.
It could be the best decision you ever made, it could also be that flip side..if that was the case at least you know where you're at.
For me..not knowing would be worse than that flip side.
Best wishes mate.