Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 670201 times)

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #6080 on:** May 15, 2021, 12:33:14 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on May 4, 2021, 05:52:18 pm

I tried teaching a dog how to play the trumpet while on the London underground.

He went from barking to tooting in no time.

bradders1011 · « **Reply #6081 on:** May 16, 2021, 12:35:23 am »

Did you hear a United fan was snuck onto the ballot for Liverpool mayor so he could screw with Reds' plans?

The Mancunian Candidate.

Scottish-Don · « **Reply #6082 on:** May 17, 2021, 11:57:28 am »

Quote from: sinnermichael on May 14, 2021, 10:23:00 pm

Everyone joking about the Indian variant. My neighbour caught it and has been in a korma for a week and he's only just buried his naan.

I caught it over the Weekend,
Just had to call in Sikh to work.

Statto Red · « **Reply #6083 on:** May 17, 2021, 02:44:01 pm »

I see they've found a vaccine to the Indian variant?

They're calling it the punjab.

I'll get me coat.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #6084 on:** May 17, 2021, 03:05:16 pm »

"Dad what's the black stuff that you spread on toast and some people love it, and some people hate it?"
"I don't know son; but yer ma might."

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #6085 on:** May 17, 2021, 09:41:14 pm »

I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I was stoned off my ass.

B.A. Baracus · « **Reply #6086 on:** May 20, 2021, 09:56:52 am »

Quote from: BarryCrocker on May 10, 2021, 12:36:49 pm

Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.

liverbloke · « **Reply #6087 on:** May 20, 2021, 02:24:48 pm »

heard a noise outside late last night and saw a gang of everton fans playing football with a cat

i was just going to phone the rspca until the cat went 1-0 up

Spongebob Redpants · « **Reply #6088 on:** May 21, 2021, 03:23:39 pm »

Essex girl goes into the dry cleaning shop in a panic, she puts a black dress on the counter and says "I need this back by 5pm"

The shop worker, unsure of what exactly she said replies "come again...."

Girl replies "no its mayonnaise"

sinnermichael · « **Reply #6089 on:** May 21, 2021, 05:49:51 pm »

My mate's just moved in with a new Czech girlfriend but it's taken her 5 days to hoover the house.

Turns out she's a Slovak.

Elmo! · « **Reply #6090 on:** May 21, 2021, 05:54:06 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on May 21, 2021, 05:49:51 pm

My mate's just moved in with a new Czech girlfriend but it's taken her 5 days to hoover the house.

Turns out she's a Slovak.

Well it's your mates fault for not Czeching her hoovering skills out first before moving in.

Red Beret · « **Reply #6091 on:** May 21, 2021, 06:02:45 pm »

Finally managed to get back to a restaurant, but I'd barely sat down before I get hit on the back of the head with a fucking prawn!

Turn around, a bit miffed, and some guy shouts, "That's just for starters!"

Son of Spion · « **Reply #6092 on:** May 21, 2021, 06:35:36 pm »

Quote from: Red Berry on May 21, 2021, 06:02:45 pm

Finally managed to get back to a restaurant, but I'd barely sat down before I get hit on the back of the head with a fucking prawn!

Turn around, a bit miffed, and some guy shouts, "That's just for starters!"

Be careful. It might have been one of the Crays.

Red Beret · « **Reply #6093 on:** May 21, 2021, 06:39:35 pm »

Quote from: Son of Spion＊ on May 21, 2021, 06:35:36 pm

Be careful. It might have been one of the Crays.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #6094 on:** May 21, 2021, 06:49:58 pm »

Quote from: Son of Spion＊ on May 21, 2021, 06:35:36 pm

Be careful. It might have been one of the Crays.

Surely he'd have seen the signals?

bradders1011 · « **Reply #6095 on:** May 21, 2021, 08:15:21 pm »

Who's a Sikh's favourite composer?

Haydn.

Sangria · « **Reply #6096 on:** May 21, 2021, 09:08:01 pm »

Quote from: bradders1011 on May 21, 2021, 08:15:21 pm

Who's a Sikh's favourite composer?

Haydn.

What is Hain (sp)?

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #6097 on:** May 23, 2021, 09:55:11 am »

To the dickhead who nicked my new trainers and hi-vis running top - you can run but you can't hide.

liverbloke · « **Reply #6098 on:** May 24, 2021, 07:57:38 am »

a mate of mine told me he robbed a shop last night

i said - why the fuck did you do that?

he showed me one of the pictures and said - look this one's worth £350,000

i said - mate, that's an estate agents

capt k · « **Reply #6099 on:** May 25, 2021, 10:58:01 am »

I explained the word Excessive to my wife...she said "thanks, that means alot"

liverbloke · « **Reply #6100 on:** May 25, 2021, 12:47:35 pm »

i hate people who generalise - they're all the same

sinnermichael · « **Reply #6101 on:** May 27, 2021, 09:47:53 pm »

I've just got a job in a factory making plastic Dracula.

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count.

BlackandWhitePaul · « **Reply #6102 on:** May 27, 2021, 10:40:06 pm »

Quote from: sinnermichael on May 27, 2021, 09:47:53 pm

I've just got a job in a factory making plastic Dracula.

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count.

Phil M · « **Reply #6103 on:** May 28, 2021, 09:18:13 am »

Quote from: sinnermichael on May 21, 2021, 05:49:51 pm

My mate's just moved in with a new Czech girlfriend but it's taken her 5 days to ~~hoover~~ vacuum the house.

Turns out she's a Slovak.

sinnermichael · « **Reply #6104 on:** May 28, 2021, 11:17:48 am »

Why did Courtney Cox?

Because Lisa Kudrow.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #6105 on:** May 28, 2021, 11:22:48 am »

Quote from: sinnermichael on May 28, 2021, 11:17:48 am

Why did Courtney Cox?

Because Lisa Kudrow.

They were in the boat because neither of them were a good schwimmer.

bradders1011 · « **Reply #6106 on:** May 28, 2021, 05:21:12 pm »

I rang the local hotel the other day.

The receptionist says "Hello, Best Western."

I said "Paint Your Wagon."

Son of Spion · « **Reply #6107 on:** May 28, 2021, 05:48:27 pm »

Quote from: bradders1011 on May 28, 2021, 05:21:12 pm

I rang the local hotel the other day.

The receptionist says "Hello, Best Western."

I said "Paint Your Wagon."

Sitting Bull also called the hotel the other day.

He was well pissed off when they asked if he had a reservation?

Son of Spion · « **Reply #6108 on:** May 28, 2021, 05:48:54 pm »

Quote from: Tesco tearaway∗ on May 28, 2021, 11:22:48 am

They were in the boat because neither of them were a good schwimmer.

At least they remained friends.

Tesco tearaway · « **Reply #6109 on:** May 28, 2021, 10:06:38 pm »

A Scouser goes on Dragons Den and shows them an old shotgun and a gamekeepers pouch.
Peter Jones says "And what's your idea?"
The Scouser replies "It's a simple concept really Peter; just put the money in the fucking bag!"

Crosby Nick · « **Reply #6110 on:** May 28, 2021, 10:31:59 pm »

Quote from: Tesco tearaway∗ on May 28, 2021, 10:06:38 pm

A Scouser goes on Dragons Den and shows them an old shotgun and a gamekeepers pouch.
Peter Jones says "And what's your idea?"
The Scouser replies "It's a simple concept really Peter; just put the money in the fucking bag!"

liverbloke · « **Reply #6111 on:** May 30, 2021, 01:44:00 pm »

my partner says i only want sex when i'm drunk

i said - no, sometimes i want a kebab

Lfc19ynwa · « **Reply #6112 on:** June 2, 2021, 04:19:19 pm »

BREAKING NEWS.

Manchester to re-enter lockdown from midnight

Matt Hancock has announced on sky news that Manchester will be placed on full lockdown from midnight tonight Wednesday 2nd June

Matt Hancock said “it has come to my attention that 1000’s of Manchester United and Manchester City fans have made two unnecessary trips to Europe within the last seven days

Son of Spion · « **Reply #6113 on:** June 2, 2021, 07:53:09 pm »

Quote from: Lfc19ynwa on June 2, 2021, 04:19:19 pm

BREAKING NEWS.

Manchester to re-enter lockdown from midnight

Matt Hancock has announced on sky news that Manchester will be placed on full lockdown from midnight tonight Wednesday 2nd June

Matt Hancock said “it has come to my attention that 1000’s of Manchester United and Manchester City fans have made two unnecessary trips to Europe within the last seven days

It's ok though. Tests found they brought fuck all home with them.

Statto Red · « **Reply #6114 on:** June 2, 2021, 09:41:25 pm »

Everton FC, so bad they're hilarious.

bradders1011 · « **Reply #6115 on:** June 5, 2021, 01:09:02 am »

I bought 3 balloons for £1 each but the total came to £4.50.

That's the cost of inflation.

24/7 · « **Reply #6116 on:** June 5, 2021, 09:13:33 am »

I've built a model of Mount Everest.

It's not to scale. It's just to look at.

afc tukrish · « **Reply #6117 on:** June 5, 2021, 12:20:23 pm »

Quote from: 24∗7 on June 5, 2021, 09:13:33 am

I've built a model of Mount Everest.

It's not to scale. It's just to look at.

Does it just sit there?

Elmo! · « **Reply #6118 on:** June 5, 2021, 12:23:48 pm »

Quote from: 24∗7 on June 5, 2021, 09:13:33 am

I've built a model of Mount Everest.

It's not to scale. It's just to look at.

Would you just look at it once, or would you double gaze?

farawayred · « **Reply #6119 on:** June 9, 2021, 03:46:00 am »

The Perseverance rover has confirmed the Curiosity findings on the presence of water and salt on Mars.

Now they are searching for tequila.