Topic: The Office

[Redders]

Get some bloody work done, you lazy bunch of wasters!!


 

[nige]

1 point gags

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Why go at any other speed ?

Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle(atleast one 'non player' must be in the bathroom at the time)

I always do anyway !

Ignore the 1st 5 people to say 'good morning' to you

Yep always do that if it's before 12 noon. Which it usually is when they come out with that kind of over-friendly crap.

Leave your zipper open for one hour. if anyone points it out, say 'sorry, I really prefer it that way.'

I don't usually notice until I take them off at night. But people never say anything. Funny that.

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Since me accident I have to anyway.

Shit I'm scoring points all day every day !! 

[John Barnes Testicles]

Dear Johnbarnesstapler

Thank you very much for your e-mail copied, as I see, to the MD and the HVP.

In fact, only last night we were recollecting the jolly time we all had at the Office Xmas Party - such fun wasn't it.  How thoughtful of you to keep your collection of photographs as a memory of that happy evening.  I thought you had passed them all over to the MD (as did he) shortly after he gave you that substantial ex-gratia payment at the end of January in recognition of your excellent work.  As the MD said himself last night, you are such fun and full of surprises, and indeed you are - aren't you.

Just to clear up about the llama.  Well, that was an idea thought up by my PA, the Hon. Amanda Foulkk-Witt.  You will doubtless have heard about stress dogs (the idea that stroking them relieves tension and the like), well dear Amanda thought that because our hard working executives are under such a great deal of stress, a larger animal was more appropriate - hence the llama.  Perhaps it was not such a good idea to bring the llama to the party, but we all live and, indeed, learn - don't we?

We in fact touched briefly on the little matter which passed between us yesterday, and I realise now that your e-mail to all staff was just playful banter, which I took the wrong way - I have been somewhat stressed lately - and of course your verbal warning is withdrawn and all record of it destroyed.

Had I not received your e-mail, I was going to write to you anyway.  The MD is thinking of expanding our corporate holdings in Saudi Arabia, and thought you were just the right man (oops sexist of me - ha ha) to be our representative there.  It would mean a stay of some months - years even - and I wondered if you would give this your urgent consideration - we'd like to move quite quickly on this.

Perhaps you'd get back to me when you have a moment.

With kindest regards.

Margaret. 

Ah Yes Margaret,

thankyou very much for taking the time to reply.  My snaps remain firmly under lock and key, though they do tend to get brought out on the occasional lonely whiskey-sotted evening.

As far as the Saudi Arabian position goes, let's not be losing our heads over this one. I seem to recall that we have been through 3 or 4 Saudi Arabian directors in the last year.  I also feel my penchant for shagging, stealing, boozing and blackmail might put me in a slightly precarious spot over in the old sandpit.  These qualities, by astounding coincidence, make me perfect for the coveted position of Junior Partner.

I trust that you will do all in your power to help me fill this position.  If it helps, I am currently staying in Penthouse Suite #3 at the Sheraton - I suggest a personal meeting where I can see if I can fill your position, or - given your flexibility in these matters, given our understanding - whether you would find me suitable for more challenging positions.

Yours Truly

JBS

[MichaelA]

Why go at any other speed ?

I always do anyway !

Yep always do that if it's before 12 noon. Which it usually is when they come out with that kind of over-friendly crap.

I don't usually notice until I take them off at night. But people never say anything. Funny that.

Since me accident I have to anyway.

Shit I'm scoring points all day every day !!

To: Nige [nige@RAWKoffice.co.uk]

CC: 'Roddyshredder' [roddyshredder@RAWKoffice.co.uk]; 'Boardroom Babe' [margaretmay@RAWKoffice.co.uk]

Re: Office Games

Nige

I have recently been made aware of this 'game' by Secretary Hinesy, who was explaining to me why I had been ignored as I arrive in the office of late. I'm sure it's more than five people that don't say hello to me in the morning...

Anyway, I believe that this prank is something carried out by some of the junior members of the team. In reality, we have all been allowing you a degree of lenience in terms of your personal behaviour and appearance in the office.

However, since you have raised the issue yourself, this might be a good time to undress one or two points belonging to Ms May (Human Resources) regarding your conduct:

1 - Body Odour. Many local chemists retail a wide variety to deal with this issue.

2 - Masturbation: This is not encouraged anywhere in the building. Especially not at the water cooller.

3 - Dribbling. See 2 (i.e. you dribbling, not the water cooller).

If you wish to address any of theses issues personally, I will be happy to discuss them at your next appraisal, dus in September 2005.

Finally, the company is prepared to make a small donation toward your imminent retirememt party; please contact Roddyshredder for details.

Warm Regards

MA
MD

[Farman]

MEMO

TO: Roddyshredder

Sir, I am feeling mostly strongly towards your mockery of my position. I was being mostly confused by young girls, dressed in, frankly, a very Western manner, entering the sanctity of my humble office and laughing at me. I felt the need to be stopping the last young lady, somebody called British, or Britishney, Allah forbids me from to be remembering her name, and be asking her about her humour of me. She replied to me that you, sir, have been instructing young girls to be entering my office to, "check out santa's towel". I am being confused by this, but I must be insisting you to be respecting my position as a servant of God, here to help others.

I must also say that the placing of the large black pudding on my desk at lunchtime was not be being funny for me. I do not be having proof this was you, but I would be asking for the refraining of heathen food from my divine place of working.

With my humble prayers

Grand Ayatollah al-Farmani

[John Barnes Testicles]

Staff Notice:

Beware the messages of Mr. Grand I'vatoyota or whatever his name is.  Ever since he walked in off the street and illicitly set up office in the broom closet "under the direction of God" ahem... there have been ever increasing reports of stuff going missing from the stationary supply.

I have it on good account that he is in fact a Mr. Stewart Felchingworth of Birmingham - never quite the same after returning from the Falklands (on holiday).

Be very careful and keep your pens locked away safely!

JBT (Junior Partner)

[hooded claw]

I'm typing this from iron drawers PC - which I've been told to fix if you please!!  Oh yes, Hooded Claw, Executive Director, special responsibility IT is FAR too grand to do it himself.  In the board room right now with the unholy trinity, swilling gin with the rest of them "That shouldn't be beyond even you to fix that Amanda" says he - I'll get you for that matey!!

Reply to : all

The art of leadership is delegation, m'dear. Damn right I'm too busy to fix it- Ms May's got me running round with my arse on fire trying to get this rabble into line. And now the Ayatollah has been unmasked as an imposter- do you think this job is easy?
We at board level trust that any bad feelings toward the aforesaid Ayatollah will not result in any anti-clerical incidents. Tnere are already suspicions that one or two (and yes, Shredder, I'm talking to you) have already been involved in such violence against the clergy.
At leat, that's what we think he meant when he emailed colleagues describing how he was desperate to 'bash the Bishop' in the cubicles today?

[Sam]

To: Sam
cc: MD
Re: Additional training.


Total costings are I'm afraid not available as yet.  (I'm sure remember how we were all stung for those "extras" on the bill last time anyway,  however I have a link to the website of the conference centre.  They seem to be a wonderfully organised venue.

http://www.superclubs.com/brand_hedonism/

Dates are, apparently very flexible and can be organised practically any week of the year.
I have already taken the libery of approaching Brittney, the office junior who has expressed a desire to attend this function with me also.

Many thanks

Internal mameorandum.

To : Roddyshredder
cc: Md

Re Junket Training seminar

The details you provided look extremely promising, and the company is, of course very happy to invest in the training of such an upstanding and committed employee as yourself.

With this in mind, please provide me by return, a list of candidates you feel may benefit from this course so the relevant arrangements may be made.

If you feel this may also be beneficial for junior female staff feel free to add them to the list.

Regards,

Sam

[John Barnes Testicles]

Internal mameorandum.

To : Roddyshredder
cc: Md

Re Junket Training seminar

The details you provided look extremely promising, and the company is, of course very happy to invest in the training of such an upstanding and committed employee as yourself.

With this in mind, please provide me by return, a list of candidates you feel may benefit from this course so the relevant arrangements may be made.

If you feel this may also be beneficial for junior female staff feel free to add them to the list.

Regards,

Sam

Memo

To: Sam
cc:  Roddyshredder
Re: Executive Help

As a newly apppointed junior partner, I feel it is part of my responsibility to oversee the development of the fine young members of staff, and form a kinship with the proletariat in this family that we call the RAWK Office.

On this note, I would like to offer my help in obtaining a suite at said convention - 1500sq. ft - 20 person Jacuzzi et al.  The only task I leave in your hands is to find me a suitable young female member of staff that would appreciate my "mentorship" at this function.

Or I could always invite Mrs. May as part of our "understanding"

Yours from above,

JBT (Junior Partner)

[Roddysul]

To JBT
from Roddy

re - jolly in the Carribean.

Hiya fella - good news.  I bumped into what'sis'name by the water cooler earlier.  (yes he was doing what he usually does as well)

Said you would be interested in coming on this piss up.  I've had a word with the Filipino cleaner as well and he she's dead keen to get to know you so have put her name down.  So that's me, Brittney  you and Hung long on the list so far.

By the way - that Ayatollah fella is me old mate Stew.  He's only pulling this Ayatollah shit cos the Birmingham bizzies are looking for him ever since they raided his lab the other week.  Anyway - he's got some contacts in Jamaica who can sort us out with a shit load of top quality blow while we're over there as well.  Nice one eh.

See ya

Roddy

PS -  hinesey is hankering after an invite to this one too but fucked if I'm sitting next to him all the way there on the plane -   Fphwooar warra pong   

[Maggie May]

Hi Poppy

Still at iron drawers PC - where I intend to be all day pretending to fix it.  Sod that for a lark - I'll just raid the confidential stuff and delete the rest of the crap "Oooh Ooooh Mr Claw Sir, it crashed".  Sort that lot out matey - told you I'd knock the wheels off your wagon you bugger!!!

Won't be seeing much (if anything) of iron drawers today.  She crawled in looking like a refugee from The Night of the Living Dead, said I was to be particularly nice to JBS as he's a Junior Partner now,  (got his uplift from her last night apparently), muttered something about doing technical reading all day and limped off into the board room.  There was a loud scream and a thump, then silence.  With a bit of luck she's tripped over her drawers where she left them on the floor last night and broke her bloody neck.  I don't suppose there's anything I can do, but I might check on her in a couple of hours if I can spare the time.

That sodding ladyboy cleaner gave me a fright this morning.  "The your nicky nicky missy" says s/he, waving them about.  Thank Christ mine were still in my handbag - you can't be too careful with Roddy, Rusty and JBS about - I swear those buggers can home in on a pair of dropped drawers at 500 yards - must be some kind of radar they've got or something.

How the devil are you anyway?  Wasn't Chinawhites terrific?  Such BIG boys!!!!  Gallons of Cristal and a really hot night altogether - roasting in fact 

Anyway, must rush.  Just sussed out her latest password for her confos.   WOW!!!

Catch you later.

Amanda XX
 
 

[Roddysul]

To JBS
From  Roddy

Nice one fella - you get wingman of the year award for getting trout face off my back last night.  She was really laying it on thick with that feather boa trick she was doing.  If you hadn't come and rescued me I'd have never got to bussle Brittney off to the loos for that quickie.   

Performance above and beyond the call of duty -  cheers mate - I owe you a pint.

By the way - when we came out you and sour fanny had disappeared.  Tell me you didn't !

[Rusty]

To: All

From: Mngmnt Consultant Rusty

Dear All,

As you may know, Ms May has been somewhat concerned by performance in the workplace over recent weeks. I will be holding a series of informal sessions where I will find out if you measure up and how you perform. However, recent tests have indicated that in such tests male  employees respond positively to the pressure of a one-on-one situation whereas females perform better in a group scenario.

Correspondingly Ms May has arranged for all the female staff to come and show me their abilities this lunchtime in the seminar room, attendance is of course compulsory. The test for the men will be arranged at some point next week.

Yours in anticipation,

Rusty

(Of "Polish off that Rust" Mngmnt Consultants Ltd.)

[Maggie May]

Hi Poppy

Rusty's now a Management Consultant?!!!! Looks like iron drawers uplifted him last night as well.

Look sweetie.  I've booked a cab for you in ten minutes.  Get round to the flat double quick and bring back those rugs we nicked from 21C or wherever sharpish.   I've just had some mad sod in here dressed like Abdul the Bulbul with face furniture like Blackbeard the Pirate raving on about he's the office Ayatollah and his prayer mats have gone missing.   I don't care how lovely they look in the drawing room, I can do without the curse of Allah and a fatwah being put on me thanks very much.

Get a move on - we've all got to be in the seminar room in an hour - compulsory "three line whip" attendance.

Amanda XX

[Rusty]

To: Roddy

From: Rusty

'ckin 'ell mate I tell you, she may be nicknamed Iron Drawers but bloody hell she's a goer. Not only that but I shot a couple of rungs up the career ladder in one fell swoop - turns out one of the other lasses who joined us was part of a MC company and decided she could use my talents .

Anyway son, it's a top lark this consultant gig, if you give me any confidential suggestions I get to tell HR they have to implement them and If they don't I still get paid shitloads - what's first on yer shopping list pal? (The sky's the limit)


p.s. any more joy with that office junior?

[Roddysul]

to Rusty

from Roddy

Nice one mate -  you're a braver man than me.
Well if you can get them to push through this Jamaica jaunt that'd be a start.
Oh and can you do something to distract her this afternoon.  Think I'd better go see  occupational health.   - feel like I'm pissing razor blades today.  Cheers

[Rusty]

To: Ms May

From: MC Rusty

Dear Ms May,

Well! we find ourselves in a somewhat different situation to my last email, don't we?

Having spoken to a few employees it has become clear that the number one priority for the Company is morale-building and teamwork exercises. These have obviously been undervalued for too long and this must be addressed immediately - there was mention that maybe a group working holiday / team building workshop could be valuable. I would suggest somewhere extremely hot and sunny where the high-pressure demnds of this workplace may be put aside for a month and no-one has to be 'snowed under' (unless they choose to).

Do you have any plans for something like this? If so I would be most interested to hear them.


p.s. Did I see you in the audience at Chinawhite's the other night? I find it so hard to make out faces from the stage, the lights make it hard.

[Roddysul]

to - Brittney Easyshag (junior)
and- Michael A M.D
and - Maggie May  (HR)
and - Mr Hines
and - Rust - Manage cons
and - nige - finance
and - Adam S
and  Hung Long
and JBT
and Shazz (catering)
and rknowsley (maintenance)
and  Amanda  (IT)
and Ayatollah F.

frm Dr. Clapclinic

Dear patient,
we are contacting you as part of our sexual contact tracing service.
We believe that you may be at risk of having contracted a sexual transmitted disease through one of your sexual partners, or the partner of one of your partners.
Please could you attend the clinic ASAP to be checked out.
Many thanks

[Maggie May]

Hi Poppy

Well, that was a lunchtime workout without the bother of going to a gym (or Jim ha ha) wasn't it?  Whoa bessie!!!! 

Anyway, there's a new confo on iron drawers PC.  Apparently there's some team thingy being set up "somewhere hot and sunny" - you up for it? - I am.  Roddys organising the list, and Rusty's just got the go ahead (and not for the first time I fancy) from iron drawers.  She just waved her hand weakly and said "Just give him whatever he wants" (and not for the first time I suspect).  So I'm EMd him to go ahead.  Can you get on to it right now? 

I'm still sorting out these bloody rugs you dumped on me - thanks very much!!  And then I've got to get them back to the sodding mad mullah.  There's bound to be a rush to get on the list, so you're going to have to suck up to Roddy and Rusty (shouldn't be a problem for you should it darling).

Whatever.  I'm exhausted.  Too tired to go out.  I'll just order some oysters, Cristal and smokers nibbles - iron drawers gets the bill and I'll tell her she did it - she's too wrecked to remember anyway.    I'll EM you when the food gets here.  Do the bizzo in the meantime eh?

Amanda XX

[Farman]

Dear Roddyshredder,

I'm a bit fucked off to say the least. I'm out on police bail at the moment. No sooner had I got my slippered shoes under the table as religious counsellor in the office as I was suddenly raided by a load of police who seemed to know exactly who I was. Apparently some dizzy bint called Amanda had found some correspondence by you that blew my cover. Now the effing Yam bizzies have me exactly where they want me. Bollox. And to add insult to injury she seems to have fucked off with fify thousand pounds worth of Persian carpets. Thats five thousand for the carpets plus forty five thousand for the cocaine hidden away in the rolled up middle bit. Fucks sake, I'll fucking get her back for that.

As far as you're concerned though, well you've always been a good customer, and helped me out of a few sticky situatons with some sharpish shredding. And frankly, that idea of yours to smuggle some of Columbia's finest up the arse of a Peruvian llama was genius, and worth a good few hundred grand for me (you never did tell me what you did with the llama in the end...). So I'll forgive you for getting me in the shit.

I've heared about your Jamaican foray, and I'll probably be heading that way. Jumping bail is too easy. Some of my 'business accociates' down there can get me in as easily as they get the blessed Angel Dust out (though thankfully not up anyone's arse), so I'll be able to see you down there hopefully. And if you're looking for a local laydie down there, or for a meeting with the angels, then just call 0312 384214 and ask for Dexter. Tell them Stew sent you.

Right, I'm off to do a Bin Laden. But not before a little visit to that Amanda lass...

Ayatollah Stewart

[Hinesy]

to - Brittney Easyshag (junior)
and- Michael A M.D
and - Maggie May (HR)
and - Mr Hines
and - Rust - Manage cons
and - nige - finance
and - Adam S
and Hung Long
and JBT
and Shazz (catering)
and rknowsley (maintenance)
and Amanda (IT)
and Ayatollah F.

frm Dr. Clapclinic

Dear patient,
we are contacting you as part of our sexual contact tracing service.
We believe that you may be at risk of having contracted a sexual transmitted disease through one of your sexual partners, or the partner of one of your partners.
Please could you attend the clinic ASAP to be checked out.
Many thanks

alas all traced back to you Roddy ! 



Memo from the Secretary:
AGM tomorrow 24/09/04
Venue Anfield
Time 15:00
Agenda

1. Beating Norwich
2. Seeing our Delia and pointing her out.
3. Seeing our Gerrard in the stands and trying to wave to him.
4. Moaning about the pies not being as good as theirs at half time.
5. 2nd half display during which Cisse gets his first hattrick.
6. A.O.B. in P.U.B.



Those who cannot attend due to sexually transmitted clinic appointment/ trip abroad with Amanda, a man, Britney or otherwise/ some other cheap reason/ Roddy's Saturday business cleaning shredder/ etc
would they please post their proxy votes.
In cases of STD, please post pox votes.


Sec H.

[Roddysul]

Stew,

Yeah sorry  about your cover getting blown like that.  That Amanda one's always getting onto everyone's computers and having a nose around -  plus once she's had a couple of glasses of champers or a large gin she's anybodys and can't keep her gob shut.   Fucking great tits she's got too but being the office bike she's got a bit of a bucket fanny -  still the llama comes in handy if you know what  I mean.
I'm probably dead when she reads this  but fortunately she can't do too much otherwise I'll grass her up to iron knickers - who hasn't got a clue where all those oyster shells keep appearing from.  Think she thinks it's some kind of infestation or something.  Talking of which - have you had a chance to get down to the clinic yet?
Anyway - Jamaica is on -  Am going to take that junior with me so I'll stash all the stuff in her luggage - dozy bint thinks it's so cute that I bought her a teddy bear for her to bring on holiday with us.   Hope she doesn't kick off too much when we have to split it open when we get there.

Anyway - gotta go now.   Still pissing past myself all day. Wish these fucking antibiotics would kick in.

Roddy

[Sam]

Internal memorandum.

To:  Roddysul
CC: MD, Ms May, JBT, Rusty, File.
Re: Training

I still await a confirmed list of delegates for this conference. I will, of course, be in attendance in order to build a relationship with this new provider of corporate services, as will the MD and a senior representative from HR.

However, a final list of the more junior delegates is urgently required so that the necessary bookings etc can be made. I would appreciate it if you can furnish me with this list by close of business today at the latest.

Given that we need to make this as cost effective as possible, we will be booking twin rooms, and therefore the most efficient gender permutations amongst delegates will be a fifty-fifty split as a minimum, if it turns out there are more female delegates this can be accommodated.

Obviously, also, there needs to be some time to relax whilst we are away (all work and all that) so your thoughts on any team building exercises are invited.

Regards

Sam.

[Sam]

Staff Notice

I urgently require a new PA.

Clearly this an extremely demanding role, and candidates will need to demonstrate high levels of motivation and commitment and will need to be extremely flexible. If anyone is interested in assuming this exciting and varied position please contact me ASAP.

Sam

[Maggie May]

Hi Poppy

Did you have a nice weekend away?  You won’t BELIEVE mine!!!

I should tell you right off that your bedroom has been trashed a bit - some friends of Daddy and the Mad Mullah had a spirited discussion in it over my little discovery last week. 

Anyway, to tell all.  When I was sorting through the rugs you so kindly dumped on me on Friday, and wondering what to do about the ones Torquil threw up on and the dog got at, out pops a little package from one you couldn’t be arsed to unroll.  Well, I rang Daddy and told him all about it, and he got that nice Mr Hardman from Essex who he successfully defended last year and some of his chums to come up and see me, and they took care of everything!! 

They also took care of the Mad Mullah when he came to the flat, ranting and raving - such an unpleasant man - and made him see the error of his ways very quickly.  I don’t think he was a real mullah at all - I mean, would a real one be shouting “Oh Jesus Christ” all the time while Mr Hardman and his chums were talking to him?   Anyway, whatever he is, he’s not going to be the office Ayatollah any more, as Mr Hardman’s got him a job in the construction industry - I heard something about him propping up a bridge on a new motorway. 

Oh, and Mr Hardman’s kindly topped up my Trust Fund (so Daddy says), so all’s well that ends well.

Iron drawers isn’t in today - something about a doctor’s appointment and tests at a clinic, so see you at the usual time for Cristal and oysters.  Will give you a bell when they arrive.

Amanda XX 

 

[Rusty]

Memo

To: Roddy, Stew, Maggie

From: Rusty

OK folks, sorry to be a killjoy but it seems there's a bit of a problem over a certain mate of mine, Bob Marley. Anyway, I guess you saw that Hurricane Charlie hit the Caribbean recently, well there's another Hurricane Charlie scheduled and quite frankly all this infighting won't do whatsoever.

Latest I've heard is that a few grubs very low down my pecking order got called in to sort out a dispute with, of all people - you, Maggie! Seriously I laughed at the irony of a couple of my own thugs getting called out to protect a shipment that's being sent by Stew on a jaunt that I'll be going on myself. All's well that ends well I suppose, and ending well means on a sunny beach with plenty of white sand (if you get my drift) and enough nubile young lasses to keep busy with.

Now. Sort out this bickering ASAP, Stew you'll need to fix up a new alias (could your one be blown any worse?) and can we all just focus on the business of partying?

"Rusty the Hatchet"

p.s. I've chartered my private jet so we don't have to worry with all that customs bollocks and the hookers don't have to worry about being illegal immigrants with no visas or passports - don't think they'll be arguing about a trip to Jamaica will they now

[Maggie May]

Memo

To Rusty

Cc.  Roddysul

Don't you come it with me you snivelling little shit.  Oh, and yes, we do "find ourselves in a different situation to my last e-mail" don't we?  You're not the only one with a camera (though I have to say you played an EXTREMELY SMALL part in Chinas entertainment). 

And, furthermore, I was occupied with technical reading all day last Friday, and I had absolutely no idea of what Amanda did then (tho her dad, The Hon. Judge Tarqin de Montfort-Agincourt d'Urville-Smythe has since brought me up to date - and since you might ask, yes, he does have the best seat in the county - as he demonstrated yet again over the weekend). 

And don't you flaunt your connections with me, sonny boy.  Mr Hardman is a firm, long standing (in more ways that you can imagine), very close associate of mine (the quaint manner in which he supports his pint glass whilst lighting his cigar springs vividly to mind). 

And I haven't copied this to your friend Stew.  I have no idea where he may be (even if I was so inclined - and I have been quite extensively inclined, one way or another, over this weekend - although it has to be said, not in this particular context) nor, as Mr Hardman advises me, do I have a pickaxe.

I await your reply and, given the close interest and unforgiving nature of Mr Hardman, that of Roddy.

And furthermore, you little tosser, from now on its "Ms May" to you and not "Maggie".

Ms M May
Human Resources Executive

[Rusty]

Oooh dear Maggie.

It does seem like you've got your knickers in a twist doesn't it (and for the first time not while trying to put them on while stumbling out of the conference room with that dodgy gigolo who hangs out round the station). No wonder you haven't found Stew, that's because much as you and your little cronies might like to think you're untouchable he's under the protection of someone who actually knows their arse from their elbow.

Propping up a bridge? Right now our Stew's on his way to propping up the bar, that is my bloody bar in the Carribbean. Yeah, I've got a bar there, did you really think an office job was my life? No - but it made a bloody great contact network for people who appreciate Salvador Dali though - upper menegement's full of the sods, I'm surprised you even need your Dyson Hoovers with the amount those lot suck up.

And speaking of sucking up I think you better start practising, if you're gonna threaten me with a couple of photos from China's (in a perfectly legal activity I might add) then balance that up with a whole bunch of managers directly above you looking for a scapegoat to go down (yeah, you're pretty good at that as well) when the shit hits the fan about the drug use rife throughout the company.

Oh and as for Judgey-Boy Tarquin, I'm glad to see that you think he's still an upstanding member of society - that is if upstanding members of society (and let's face it I'm sure you've met enough of them in your lifetime) accept money for giving "Not Guilty" verdicts in court.

Oh, and you won't see me in the office anymore.

Rusty.

p.s. did you know that your nickname in the office is "Troutface"? Nah, probably not sweetie-pie, I doubt you've been out of that conference room long enough to know what anyone really thinks of you.

[Maggie May]

FAO MS MAY CONFIDENTIAL

Dear Sweet Maggie

Not to worry now.  You just keep your pretty little head down (as you know extremely well how to do). 

Stew is not a problem any longer.  My very good and intimate friend (and yours) Buffy in the Ministry of Defence saw at once (after I had spoken to him and reminded him of various things - you know what I mean) that the plane carrying Mr Stew was in fact a threat to national (and, indeed personal) security, and it was necessary for it to be blown to buggery out of the sky.  Alas, there were no survivors.   This was, of course, in the interest of the nation, and to avoid undue alarm in these troubled times there is a continuing news blackout.

Anyway, not to worry.  All is well.  See you in the Cavalry and Guards Club tonight.  And, if it pleases you strict mistress, dress in britches and bring your whip.

Your slave

Tarqin

[Rusty]

Email

From: Stew

To: Rusty


Bloody hell mate cheers for that tip-off - I didn't realise we were playing hardball with these nutters, I mean a supposed roughing up by a bunch of Chelsea from Essex I can take but someone trying to blow me out of the sky?! Good job you told me about that handy "Check-in-on-the-plane-dash-off-to-get-a-bag-don't-get-back-on" routine, though I do feel sorry for the 457 other people who didn't already know the plane was gonna be destroyed - God save their souls. Still, at least there will be a full enquiry into how this tragedy came to happen, the public are up in arms and want a scapegoat - I notice your mate (I assume he's still your mate) the Lord Chief Justice I. M. Bent will be looking into that, let's hope he gets to the bottom of it.

Oh, and cheers for the loan of the private helicopter son, I'll get the pilot to land it in your secure compound in Jamaica right? I've got a pressie waiting there for you if you're interested.

By the way pal, did you see the pics of that Judge with the leathers on and and orange stuffed in his mouth being whipped by some two-bit whore? She looked familiar but I couldn't quite place her, there was far too much make-up on for that.


See ya in Kingston town buddy,

Stew


p.s. Missing that shitty old office yet? hahaha.

[Roddysul]

to:  Roddysul
       Ayatolla Farmani


from:  Sleasyjet customer services.

RE.  Change of Itinerary

Confirmation No -  79832ih

Cancelled -  Flight 462 Luton to Bahrain

booking changed to  Liverpool -  Athens  Flight 251

Dear sirs - as this change of itinerary was made at the last minute by yourselves it has incurred a £10 alteration fee.

We have charged this to the card you originally gave the details of which are below:

Name -  M May
Platinum Visa - 248 98791 342

Many thanks and enjoy your flight.

[Al Bol]

My Work Experience report

I thought that the employers were shit.

The end.

[John Barnes Testicles]

BEWARE

Horace has seen you and your co-workers for the evil that you are.  You shall all be smitten.  2:27pm on Thursday.

Horace has spoken to Old Sirus.

[Maggie May]

CONFIDENTIAL MEMO

To:       Sam

From:   Ms M May

Re:       The Eye of Horace

Who the sodding hell is Horace?  Do you know anything about this?  And if not, why not?

Its been bad enough recently being threatened constantly with a fatwah by some mad bugger of an Ayatollah if his food wasn't prepared in the correct manner and having to arrange ritual slaughter in the kitchen before he was satisfied (and yes, Ada from the staff canteen is still receiving therapy) without being struck down by the Curse of the Nile, thank you very much.

Oh, and apparently the Ayatollah wasn't entirely all he claimed to be?  I thought you were supposed to be in charge of security.  Perhaps we can discuss this at some future time.

And NO.  You can't employ a new PA.  (Especially through your sister's agency - or didn't you think I'd spotted that? - splitting the commission were we?).   You can have Amanda (and if you haven't already you really must be in a minority).  I've decided to work from home for a while (effective from 1.00pm this Thursday), so I shan't need her.

[John Barnes Testicles]

Mrs. May, do not offend me.  You will surely feel my wrath.

[Sam]

CONFIDENTIAL MEMO

To:       Sam

From:   Ms M May

Re:       The Eye of Horace

Who the sodding hell is Horace?  Do you know anything about this?  And if not, why not?

Its been bad enough recently being threatened constantly with a fatwah by some mad bugger of an Ayatollah if his food wasn't prepared in the correct manner and having to arrange ritual slaughter in the kitchen before he was satisfied (and yes, Ada from the staff canteen is still receiving therapy) without being struck down by the Curse of the Nile, thank you very much.

Oh, and apparently the Ayatollah wasn't entirely all he claimed to be?  I thought you were supposed to be in charge of security.  Perhaps we can discuss this at some future time.

And NO.  You can't employ a new PA.  (Especially through your sister's agency - or didn't you think I'd spotted that? - splitting the commission were we?).   You can have Amanda (and if you haven't already you really must be in a minority).  I've decided to work from home for a while (effective from 1.00pm this Thursday), so I shan't need her.

Eyes only, strictly confidential
To: Ms May

Re: above

A couple of points, no need to worry about security, Horace is a mole, designed to flush out the Ayatollah. Check the payroll reports marked "under no circumstances disclose to authorities".

Apparently we have to offer Halal food anyway.

Amanda? Are you having a laugh? May as well just give me herpes (again), and be done with it.

P.S. thought you agreed to call me "Butch"?

[John Barnes Testicles]

Eyes only, strictly confidential
To: Ms May

Re: above

A couple of points, no need to worry about security, Horace is a mole, designed to flush out the Ayatollah. Check the payroll reports marked "under no circumstances disclose to authorities".

Apparently we have to offer Halal food anyway.

Amanda? Are you having a laugh? May as well just give me herpes (again), and be done with it.

P.S. thought you agreed to call me "Butch"?

I am no mole.  I am a god.  Worship me.

[Maggie May]

Eyes only, strictly confidential
To: Ms May

Re: above

A couple of points, no need to worry about security, Horace is a mole, designed to flush out the Ayatollah. Check the payroll reports marked "under no circumstances disclose to authorities".

Apparently we have to offer Halal food anyway.

Amanda? Are you having a laugh? May as well just give me herpes (again), and be done with it.

P.S. thought you agreed to call me "Butch"?

CONFIDENTIAL MEMO

To:   Butch  Sam

Re:   The above

Thank you for reminding me that I had agreed to call you "Butch", Butch - I'd been trying to forget the actual circumstances when that little arrangement was made.

Seems to be some slight communication problem between you and The Eye of Horace.  You feel he is a mole whereas he, apparently, advises me he is a God, that I must worship him and I'll feel his wrath if I dont.  So cheers for that Butch, just what I needed.

A couple of things appertaining to that Butch.  First, I don't do worship.  I agree, there are frequently times when I may kneel at a gentleman's feet, but it isn't in the context of a prayer meeting - as you well know.

Second, I DO wrath/wroth.  I DONT GET wrathed/wrothed.  If you think squeezing myself into leathers and nearly putting my elbow out whirling a whip above my head and bringing it down with appropriate force is any easy matter, allow me to assure you that it is not.  It took me six weeks to learn to crack the bloody thing for a start !!!

So sort it out Butch.  Or get a demonstration matey!

[Roddysul]

FAO - Accounts department

cc - Human Resources

From Roddy
         Ayatollah Farmani


So long suckers.  Thought you might like these photos of us two living it up.  We are currently on our way to Brazil where extradition treaties can't touch us.   Amanda -  it was your Brazillian that gave me the idea - very nice, love.

Oh by the way - you know all those documents that you gave me to shredd -  you know the ones with all the log-in details to the on-line bank account -  well - they came in very handy thanks very much.    Sorry some of you guys are gonna end up on the dole cos of this - but hey - you gatta strike while the iron's hot haven't you.

Anyway -  I've left some food in the office fridge to keep the llama going for another week -  unless Brittney has put it in one of her vegetarian lunches again.
Think all the Jamaica tickets will still be valid so if I were you guys - I'd just make the most of it. -  It was a great cover story while me and Stew did the real deal.

Laters     

[Emmy]

Hmmm, that doesn't look like Brazil....