Topic: Techie question : how do I adjust the clock on ...

[Bob Kurac]

... a fifteen month old baby ?

[Millsee]

A set of earplugs should do it m8.....

In the meantime,

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS

Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Lego (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Feeding Test

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.



Ingenuity Test

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Automobile Test

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!

Physical Test (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

Physical Test (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[Barney_Rubble]

Acid Test

Dangle baby over a bath of Hydrochloric, saying, "now we are going to behave ourselves, AREN'T WE".

 

[Rox]

Step 1:  Return baby to hospital.  If it's faulty goods, they shouldn't have let you leave with it.  Either demand an exchange, (or refund).  If you get a refund, then I suggest buying a cat or dog instead.  

Step 2:  Should the hospital refuse to take the baby, then drastic measures need to be taken.  Tip:  Dr. Banardos are always looking for donations.  (This tip is also useful if you have a surplus to requirements old person bothering you - in that case, Age Concern are more than happy to give them a job in one of their shops to dribble over the til, risking possible electrocution).

Step 3:  Should you wish to keep the baby (heaven forbid), the you must be prepared.

Ensure the nursery is properly decorated.  Pastel shades and pictures of clowns are all very well and good; but most parents forget the no.1 Essential - SOUNDPROOFING.  If you cannot afford soundproofing, then consider a silencer.  Some back street surgeries can (for a fee) snip the vocal chords.

Ensure all floors and walls are vinyl, ensuring wipe-clean ease of use all the time.  Fluffy fabrics and carpets are a big no no.

Unfortunately Bob, the internal clock of babies (and young children) cannot be altered in any way.  Of course, sleeping tablets, a bottle of Night Nurse before bedtime and the soundproofing will ensure that even if the baby does wake up an hour early, you can sleep soundly until YOU want to deal with the situation.

I hope this helps, Bob!

[ecmdtan]

Of course, sleeping tablets, a bottle of Night Nurse before bedtime and the soundproofing will ensure that even if the baby does wake up an hour early, you can sleep soundly until YOU want to deal with the situation.

lol, why didn't I think of that?..
Or you can do like what I did...pack of the baby to the grandparents, especially if they live in a different town.  They'll love you for it.  Trust me