Topic: For REAL Relationship Issues. NOT your latest childish Tinder/Grindr FAIL!!!!!!!

[CraigDS]

Well first thing I'd do is to make sure her stuff is secure, so until you can deal with his tea leaf tendencies you can at least be sure the majority of the valuable and stuff with meaning isn't going to go walkies.

Next I'd probably talk to him directly, let him know you're on to him and that the next step if anything else goes is you'll ring the police. I'd make sure he knew I was deadly serious, and hope that would be enough to make him stop.

[AndyInVA]

Anyone out there ever got back with their divorced wife after 3 years apart.

Basically for the benefit of our 7 year old kiddo. Trying to decide if we can make it work as basically we are not overly happy dating other people so we may as well not be too happy with each other giving our kid a good life.

A lot of people in here were pretty helpful and offered sound opinions and I just wanted to post a follow up.

I spent some time around my ex over the last few weeks. Basically just talking and discussing what my issues were, that our daughter would grow up with many more benefits if she is in a 2 parent home.

My ex said she feels the same way and that she has not been particularly lucky in love and so we at least had a basis to talk from.

I was surprised by this. I had only just gotten back on Facebook as in the past she had insisted I take it down. I had wanted to connect to some old military and college friends and FB seemed the best way.

I had this sense that she actually had her life together and if I was going to ask her for some kind of reconciliation then now was the time.

We spent an evening talking on our own, dinner with our daughter at each others house and then this weekend attended this kids camp thing for Friday night and all of saturday with our daughter.

It really became apparent very quickly we hve absolutely no common ground whatsoever and that we live very different lives. I simply cant imagine what life under one roof would be like and although even if everything started off well meaning then I just think that the same things would come up before too long and we would fall into a pattern of not being happy. She is pretty much the exact same person as when we split several years ago and what she wants for her lifestyle simply does not cross mine at all.

I do think the best scenario is that I simply not be angry at my ex and that I can still plan stuff with her but that I not consider co habiting.

Ive seen other couples have great scenarios where they can be happy around each other and with other partners and thats all OK

Thanks for the advice and ultimately I think it was all correct. Unless we had some fantastic revelation that we madly loved each other again then we did split for a reason.

Im just going to be happy with my ex as a good mum, let her live her life, involve her with my daughters stuff where appropriate and just try to find a good woman of my own.

[Chakan]

Im just going to be happy with my ex as a good mum, let her live her life, involve her with my daughters stuff where appropriate and just try to find a good woman of my own.

Sorry it didn't work out but it sounds like it's for the best.

Seems like you have a clear direction of what you want and where you are going. Everything of the best mate

Never give up on love or finding someone.

[El Lobo]

Good to hear that mate

[CraigDS]

Im just going to be happy with my ex as a good mum, let her live her life, involve her with my daughters stuff where appropriate and just try to find a good woman of my own.

Best way from everything you've said.

There will be someone out there who has a similar outlook to life as you and you can build a happy life with.

[BigAl24]

To be honest, I've not really frequented this thread lately, but I never found it depressing. On the one hand, there's always some funny stuff going on that can cheer you up like the stalking-pic on this page. On the other hand, it's kind of good to see that there are other people who have issues in terms of relationships. Not in a way of feeling Schadenfreude but in a way of not being the only one...

I like this thread. Never found it depressing, always found it useful. And occasionally found it very amusing

[BigAl24]

Im just going to be happy with my ex as a good mum, let her live her life, involve her with my daughters stuff where appropriate and just try to find a good woman of my own.

This is it mate. Exactly this.

[AndyMuller]

Been with my gf for 5 years this September and I came across something really weird on her twitter yesterday, I don't really use twitter but we went out Saturday to a gig and I was bored and hungover and decided to have a look at her twitter page to see if she threw any pictures up or anything.

Now it gets weird, she hadn't put anything up about the gig but I noticed over the past few months she'd started putting status' up about how much she fancies certain celebs which I thought was hilarious but something she wouldn't come out with when we are chilling out etc. I then noticed she's following and being followed by random lads I've never heard of.

Now I might sound daft, but to me those status' can imply to these 'new' lads that she's single. I know they are celebrities she's mentioned in them but the whole look of it gave a feel to me as if she was portraying she was single on the sly.

Maybe I was just being daft and hungover, food for thought for myself.

[El Lobo]

Wouldn't take too much notice of Twitter mate, following someone in return for following someone back is a thing. It's all about numbers.

[AndyMuller]

Wouldn't take too much notice of Twitter mate, following someone in return for following someone back is a thing. It's all about numbers.

Yeah definitely mate I understand that it was just that these lads were based around Liverpool (locally) and they are people I've never heard of after almost five years together which I found rather strange.

I hardly ever use Twitter myself and she's always said she hardly ever uses it but she seemed quite active on it to be honest haha!

One of those things I suppose.

[Ashburton]

Agree with El Lobo, Twitter follow-backs are just the currently of that wasteland. 

If all else fails get the Justin Bieber mask out and sort those celebrity crushes of hers right out.

Jokes aside, a bit of attention seeking seems to be normal, wouldn't worry about it.

[pyroparty]

http://thoughtcatalog.com/melissa-moeller/2016/04/why-modern-dating-makes-me-want-to-punch-myself-in-the-throat/

This article pretty much sums up dating in your early 20s. A mess and a minefield. Twisted fun but equally awful. I genuinely blame social media. It's warped people's views of what a relationship should be and I find more and more that people seem to think that talking over FB or whatever is an acceptable substitute for spending time together in person.

Wow, that's a great piece! And spot on depressingly! Headfucks are the worst but that's what it seems to be about now precisely for all the reasons listed in there.

[Rysoph76]

Shit, that's bad JK. Not to jump to conclusions but from my own experience (of being the cheater) then that would seem the likeliest option. What she has done is completely out of order and for her not to want to talk to you about would set the alarm bells ringing.

If you are in love and have decided to have a life together, you can't just say, I have decided, this is what's happening and this is what we are going to do and i'm not going to talk about it.

Whevener I have lied about a reason for breaking up (and there have been many times) I have always tried to avoid the face to face talk as you feel like you will be found out.

The one time I was cheated on, my girlfriend told me completely out of the blue that she needed space etc etc and there was no-one else but she didn't want to talk. I found out 2 months later she had been meeting up with another bloke on the sly.

Hope i'm wrong for your sake but just adding my twopenneth. At the very least you need to pin her down to a time when you can meet, she owes you that.

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

[AJ]

From my personal experience of having a relationship ended by someone for the same reasons, I'd say don't fight it.

I was in a similar situation and I wasted a long time of my life trying desperately to get her back that I'll never get back again. If you fight it hard enough, she'll come around and give it another go, but it won't last.

For me, when a relationship is rocky and it gets to this stage, it's understandable. It makes sense that you had a break after some arguments at home. But when a relationship goes from being 100 to 0 almost in an instant it's because something drastic has changed. Whether that's that she's just lost that spark for you, whether it's that someone else has caught her eye and she's realised she's not as committed to you as she thought (sorry), whether she has actually cheated (sorry again) or something else, you fighting it isn't going to change that it's happened.

You might be able to get past it, but then she'll always know that she can pick you up and drop you as she pleases and you'll always be worried about when the next time she'll pull the "I just want to be single" card again.

Let her be single, let her realise her mistake and come back to you if that's what you really want. But don't try and force her to realise it because it won't work.

[Brian Blessed]

I don;t understand the mindset of people who think it's okay to end a long term relationship with a text. It just seems like a cowardly slap in the face.

[...]

Emotion aside, it's quite clear that the issue lies with her and it's not something you should try to 'resolve' now that she's spoken her mind. It's the same case in nearly every relationship, once there's that element of doubt there is little point carrying on.

All action you take from this point onwards will lower her opinion of you as you will continue to look more and more desperate for the (now broken) relationship to work.

[CraigDS]

Give her some space and don't get too demanding in insisting that you talk. It'll only push her away more and piss her off.

I'd let her know you want to talk, and that you two obviously need to talk, but let it be when she's ready.

[Ashburton]

I don;t understand the mindset of people who think it's okay to end a long term relationship with a text. It just seems like a cowardly slap in the face.

Exactly this.  If you want to be someone's life partner, you have their back, especially when the shit hits the fan. 

Texting someone else to say "we're done" is pretty fucking shite and shows she's a fair weather partner, especially if you're in the stage of forging a marriage where you should be closer than ever.  I'd suggest that if you asked what is wrong, without a reply, and that she isn't talking to you face to face or even on the phone, that there is some dishonesty involved too.  I'd let her know you still feel you need to talk, but you respect her decision.

My main reaction is, if this is the "high", planning for a wedding, looking forward to being together, and when you hit a period of stress this is her way of dealing with it - perhaps you need someone more mature who "gets" you, and can focus on working on the relationship rather than wishing things were different then fucking off. 

End of the day, it takes two working together to make a relationship work and be enjoyable, if your reaction is to try to "give" more, and getting very little in return whilst you become the latest accessory, then perhaps see it as a lesson, a great time spent together, but something which didn't have strong enough foundations.

[Rysoph76]

I know it sounds like the most generic shite in the world and doesn't help at all now but you will find that there are so many men (and women no doubt) of a slightly older vintage such as myself (40 next week  ) that wish they had never spent so much time chasing after failing relationships at your age. The idea of people in their late teens/early twenties managing to stay together forever while they both go through the process of change in their home/life/work always seems like a stretch.

At your age, although it sounds hard, you could comfortably wait ten years to settle down and get married and have kids and you would still be young (in terms of what is 'acceptable' today) so you have everything to look forward to.

One thing I would ask is, is the friend single?

Single women, particularly younger ones have a way of trying to make sure their friends are single so that they can keep them all to themselves

[Red Viper]

It may sound harsh but forget about her and try to move on. Don't go chasing. Anyone prepared to end an engagement via one text message isn't really worth the effort. Horrible, shithouse way to break up with someone, never mind someone you were planning on marrying. Why on earth would you want someone back who treated you that way?

Edit. Sorry, that last question isn't fair. Of course you want her back now, but trust me when the dust settles and you look back on this you'll think to yourself "maybe I dodged a bullet there".

[Shepnois]

At that age we're still pretty impulsive and things can change very fast, we're constantly changing as people in our early 20's. Something has happened, if she was that keen on you before this then a big event has taken place, unfortunately it usually involves someone else(sorry to say that). You say you work and live together so why can’t you figure this out in person?!

[...]

No her friend isn't single. She's in a long term relationship.
Just have a gut feeling it's worth a fight and the person I thought I'd come to know so well wouldn't do this.

I don't want someone who treats me that way, that's right. But that's not the person I know excluding three days. I get the thing of I'm young and these things happen, I really get that and it hits hard but I don't easily become fond of any person at the best of times let alone fall for someone so hard like this, just has something different

99% of people are disgusting creatures without any integrity, it's a shame but the truth does hurt. Recently I'm hearing so many stories like this where people say 'it's so unlike them' etc - you never truly know somebody and how they are feeling. Move on and you'll be happier for it

[AJ]

It's gonna be tough for a while no matter what happens now mate. Don't make it tougher for yourself by dragging it out.

[Ashburton]

At that age we're still pretty impulsive and things can change very fast, we're constantly changing as people in our early 20's. Something has happened, if she was that keen on you before this then a big event has taken place, unfortunately it usually involves someone else(sorry to say that). You say you work and live together so why can’t you figure this out in person?!

It's an interesting comment.  A lot of people worry about being 'compatible' in the moment, together, and then try to "freeze" that compatibility to keep together.  But everything changes, the wheel constantly turns.  If you aren't developing and changing as a person, you're standing still, and a massive "skill" in a relationship is finding someone who understands this, wants to embrace that development, and understands the need to do so in the same direction together - otherwise you inevitably become more apart.

[zero zero]

I don't want someone who treats me that way, that's right. But that's not the person I know excluding three days. I get the thing of I'm young and these things happen, I really get that and it hits hard but I don't easily become fond of any person at the best of times let alone fall for someone so hard like this, just has something different

When someone shows you who they are, believe them ~ Maya Angelou

Up until three days ago she was;t the type of person who would end her engagement over a text. Today she is. Her wanting "to be single" translates as "Date other people".

(If you gave her a ring, get it back)

[Welshred]

I've just sacrificed so many plans and so many people for her and its left me with nothing. Just think it deserves a better explanation or a chance to talk about what issues there might be.

You've been saving up for a wedding. Go travelling and have the time of your life. You don't need her.

[Jake]

Yeah mate, feel bad for you but you're 21 and have just received the all clear to do whatever you want with your life. She broke off an engagement over text, and said she wants to be single (read: drowning in cock) rather than "on my own" or "independent" which you could read as a cry for personal development.

Sorry for the shirt term heartache mate but call up a friend, go to a boozer for three days and then book a holiday to Australia or something. You can do it!

[pyroparty]

Yeah move on mate, trust that from someone who's just wasted two years on a game playing head fuck. Take control and forget she exists! Though complicated by the work situation obvs.

[El Lobo]

Yh I have said what we have at least deserves another try or a face to face talk. She just tells me she's not up to speaking to anyone at all at the moment. I'm just clinging on to the fact that it could be spur of the moment and I can salvage it.

I am only 22 and she is 21. But I am quite mature and know what I want. I thought she was the same

I hope that's not the case, would be awful if so. We work together from 9-8 everyday and live together. The only time she is without me is when she has the occasional night out with her best mate. My gut instinct is she's got issues of her own and she's given me so much supporting me that no one has paid attention to her.

That right there isn't healthy at all mate (and I'm speaking from personal experience)

[Chakan]

I feel we need zero zero in here to say "When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them the first time."

Hope you get plenty of support offline through the next few days and weeks as well.

*cough*

When someone shows you who they are, believe them ~ Maya Angelou

Up until three days ago she was;t the type of person who would end her engagement over a text. Today she is. Her wanting "to be single" translates as "Date other people".

(If you gave her a ring, get it back)

[SamAteTheRedAcid]

Sounds like she misses you?

[Mumm-Ra]

I was thinking that, but what does the "There doesn't know how lucky it is" bit mean?


Am I being stupid because I just don't understand it.

It means your present location - wherever that may be - is extremely fortunate to be inhabited by someone as marvellous as yourself.

I'm worried that she may have contracted corny AIDs

[Barneylfc∗]

I was thinking that, but what does the "There doesn't know how lucky it is" bit mean?


Am I being stupid because I just don't understand it.

She's pissed. She can hear her da drilling her ma in the next room. If she was there with you, she wouldn't be able to hear it. Move on mate. It's over.

[Barneylfc∗]

Really appreciate the comments and advice. As tough as they are to accept. I'm going to have to let things calm down for a little while longer as difficult as it is to not talk to her. But I still feel I need to put a few points across calmly and unemotionally and whatever the result of that is so be it.

I've just sacrificed so many plans and so many people for her and its left me with nothing. Just think it deserves a better explanation or a chance to talk about what issues there might be.

I went through the same thing last year. We were together 11 years. Have a son together. Only got engaged 6 months prior to the break up and we're planning our beach wedding for next year. But then the slut went and fucked someone else. While I was at work busting my balls doing 60 hours a week for the wedding and to get her something for her upcoming birthday, I was getting texts from her saying she's really happy and loves me bla bla bla. All lies, because she was also texting and phoning some other c*nt to arrange to fuck him the next night. Anyway, she was the same. I want to be on my own. I don't know what I want. There's no one else. All lies. The slag is still with the other guy. You're still young mate, take yourself off on holiday if she wants to be a moody bitch while you're doing what I done.

[.adam]

Sending someone a 'quote picture' after breaking up with them? Jesus fucking wept.

[Crosby Nick]

She's pissed. She can hear her da drilling her ma in the next room. If she was there with you, she wouldn't be able to hear it. Move on mate. It's over.

Never thought I'd see the day where Barney was the one dishing out the correct advice in this thread!

I'm sure she does miss you and think highly of you, especially if you split on 'good' terms but that's a bit off of her to do that even if it was sent with good intentions as it'll only get you over thinking things.

[CraigDS]

Single life - Christ it can be fun but it's brutal too! Sorry for long post, kinda some history, some advice for those coming out of long term relationships and after some advice.

Split with someone I'd been with for 6 years last Sept, owned a house together, a horse sized dog, speaking often of marriage and kids when we sold the house we were in and moved somewhere which would be more permanent. We had some issues, mostly relating to an illness she got 6 months after we started going out which had some lasting effects and where we were living as that was away from her family and her/our group of friends (we were sorting that one by moving). Other than that it was pretty great - so was unexpected when she turned round one day and said she wanted it to end. After an hour of chatting I went for a drive to clear my head for an hour or so and came back to find her there with two friends taking ALL her shit. Not a bag for a few nights, literally all her stuff. So within 3 hours went from talking to me normally to out the house fully!

Took me a while to sort myself after that, not helped that for the next 4 or 5 months we texted regularly and saw each other a fair bit. Wasn't just me chasing trying to make it work either, as a lot of the contact was initiated from her side too.

Got to Feb this year and one of my mates and his missus (who used to be her best friend but drifted apart for other reasons) gave my head a wobble for me and made me realise I was literally hanging on and she was keeping me dangling. Took back a bit of control for myself, told her she either wants to give this a try or I cut off all contact and she fucks off. The latter happened, and it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I kicked myself for not doing it much much sooner.

So, and the main reason for posting... for anyone going through something similar now, trust me, don't let it drag on and on. I'm all for fighting to make a relationship work, as shit does happen and people do make mistakes, but don't let someone take control of your own life and don't just dangle about chasing.

Anyway, onto the single part... so went out a week after telling her to fuck off and got a bit of a much needed ego boost in the form of attention from two 23yr olds (I'm 31). I'm not short of confidence, but being fucked about by a girl for the previous 5 or so months it was nice to get some attention. Was warned off one as apparently was a bit of a headcase, but then she had some other redeeming qualities ( ), but then turned out she was a bit of one! The other I got close to pretty fast, mainly as we had absolutely loads in common, texting constantly for about 2 months, seeing each other a fair amount during that time (she even invited me to her Mum's bday meal out). She'd not long split with someone too, so we both happily agreed to just take it (fairly!) slow. She then turned round about a month ago and decided that was it and cut off all contact. Brutal  Seen her out at the weekend and she just blanked me, thankfully I'd been out happily drinking in the sun all day so wasn't that arsed 

So now for some advice - met a girl over the weekend who I've known since I got with my ex.... because she was one of her friends. They aren't in the same friend group now, so aren't really friends anymore. Since I first met her we've always had a really flirty friendship (harmless), her ex-fella hated me because of it but then I thought he was a prick anyway (and turned out he really was), and he apparently (didn't know this until this weekend) banned her from speaking to me!

After spending most of Monday out together in the same group, we ended up drinking and chatting on our own for a good couple of hours, in fact I think it was for well over 3 hours but it was effortless convo, and we ended up staying behind to carry on when people moved on somewhere else. She started out thinking it probably wouldn't be a good idea if it went anywhere but think by the end of it, after realising how well we get on and how much we have in common, that there could be something there. Left the ball in her court by giving her my number and not taking hers - told her to think it over and contact me if she wants to (nothing yet  ).

So am I playing with fire here? Even if she doesn't text this time we're both out for a mate's 30th in a few weeks and know we'll end up drawn to each other again.

[AJ]

From your point of view, I'd say no, you're not playing with fire. Your relationship with the ex has ended, you have no responsibility towards her or her feelings anymore.

I'd say it's more an issue for the friend to decide whether she's willing to take the risk of pissing your ex off or not because, however distant it now is, they still have a friendship that could be affected.

You crack on son.

[CraigDS]

From your point of view, I'd say no, you're not playing with fire. Your relationship with the ex has ended, you have no responsibility towards her or her feelings anymore.

I'd say it's more an issue for the friend to decide whether she's willing to take the risk of pissing your ex off or not because, however distant it now is, they still have a friendship that could be affected.

You crack on son.

This was how I've been thinking too, which is why I've just given her my number and left it up to her to decide if she wants to take things any further.

If they were good friends still I'd maybe think otherwise, as that could get very messy, but they really aren't and I doubt have spoken in the last few years other than to say hello if see each other.

[pyroparty]

This is a bit random, and out of context things can be weird, but I need advice. I split up with my long time girlfriend of 9 years about 7 weeks ago and at the moment she's on holiday with her family (a holiday I was initially booked to go on).

We've saw each other occasionally and have spoken but she's been adamant it's over. But she's just sent me an Email, a quote picture that you see online, and it says this:


"I wish you were here, but you're not here, you're there. And there doesn't know how lucky it is."

What, on earth, is that supposed to mean?

Otherwise known as the headfuck, say enough to get some sort of message through but not enough to know the reasons behind why she sent it!