Topic: The "Ask Dave Whelan A Question" Thread. (Includes Transfer Speculation)

[macca888]

Dave,

Purple monkey dish-washer

DW: "He won't be coming to you unfortunately my friend. Any obscure sounding fella who nobody has ever heard of will already be nailed on to sign for Newcastle. for thirty bob. But I can tell you here first, he'll have a buy out clause of £42 million so as to stop my good friend Mr Ferguson getting his hands on him in the January window after a dozen successful games."

[macca888]

Dearest Dave,

I'm bored.


It is about 2 weeks into June and we haven't sign the next Messi or ronaldo yet. And what's worse, my favorite Liverpool player (who has played less than 20 games for us) seems to be leaving us for pastaland soon, again.

What should i do? Can we have some of your money to actually buy a player?

DW: "You know, I'll never understand Liverpool supporters. They're so bloody impatient. What's the point of signing a player in the middle of June when it's boring, when you can get my mate Jim White hot under the collar by making a sexy purchase on Jim's Deadine Day. I know I always look forward to a nice chat with Jim while he sounds like he's having asphyxi-sex with Kirsty Gallagher because Yakubu has submitted a transfer request at 10.30pm."

[Hymer Red]

Dear Dave

We just heard on SSN that 'Arry has gone from Spuds - strangely though not from you. Were you busy in the pub or away on your hols? Now that hes gone who will be taking his place and what other movements are we likely to see in the coming days because of this?

[AK47]

Dear Dave, is it true that Sly Sports have asked you to co-host a show on the last day of the transfer window with Jim White? It would be epic seeing you both foaming at the mouth over every rumour!!

[banksybanks]

Dave, sticking a few quid on Benitez to Spurs at 14s. You reckon it's a goer?

[buzzing]

Dear Dick, I mean Dave

When the fuck will it stop raining

[sinnermichael]

dave, what do you think about the pedestrianisation of norwich city centre?

[dewisaint]

"If Tottenham come to me and ask to speak to him, I have to say the answer is yes. It always is," said Whelan, reported on BBC Sport.

"You cannot stop managers moving.

"Every club that people regard as a big club, when these jobs come up people say 'oh Roberto must be in for that'. And Roberto is actually quite happy at Wigan.

"I have not heard one thing from Tottenham Hotspur or from Roberto, so as far as I am concerned there is nothing going on at present.

"I just wait and see. Roberto is very happy, he is doing a brilliant job for me."

Dave your at it again you dumb fck. didn't you know that reporter was from the bbc and not sky?

[macca888]

Dear Dave

We just heard on SSN that 'Arry has gone from Spuds - strangely though not from you. Were you busy in the pub or away on your hols? Now that hes gone who will be taking his place and what other movements are we likely to see in the coming days because of this?

Dave, sticking a few quid on Benitez to Spurs at 14s. You reckon it's a goer?

"If Tottenham come to me and ask to speak to him, I have to say the answer is yes. It always is," said Whelan, reported on BBC Sport.

"You cannot stop managers moving.

"Every club that people regard as a big club, when these jobs come up people say 'oh Roberto must be in for that'. And Roberto is actually quite happy at Wigan.

"I have not heard one thing from Tottenham Hotspur or from Roberto, so as far as I am concerned there is nothing going on at present.

"I just wait and see. Roberto is very happy, he is doing a brilliant job for me."

Dave your at it again you dumb fck. didn't you know that reporter was from the bbc and not sky?

DW:  "Don't worry about that interview, I was just throwing those shitehawks from the Beeb off the scent. I phoned Daniel Levy today and told him that I'd be more than happy to pocket all his lovey lolly. "£3 million and Bobby is your man" I said. So I'd like to let you lovey people on RAWK know, don't waste your money on Andre 3000 Boring Arse, or throw daft bets on David Moist or Raspberry Ruffles Benny. Bobby is the new new Spurs manager. You heard it here first."

[macca888]

Dear Dick, I mean Dave

When the fuck will it stop raining

DW: "I was having lunch with John Kettley before and his words were "I hope you've got plenty of those excellently priced Dunlop Wellies in stock Davey boy. You'll sell a shitload for the rest of June and most of July." I told him straight, I'm not going to cash in on this Noah's curse you've brought with you. I know it won't stop raining for six weeks, but I'm not going to raise the price of my Dunlop Wellies from a breathtaking £11.99 even though they're selling them for £3 dearer on ebay."

[macca888]

dave, what do you think about the pedestrianisation of norwich city centre?

DW: "It's disgraceful to be honest. How the hell is Bernard Matthews expected to get his Chicken Drummers and Turkey Burgers out to a hungry nation if he can't get his tractor through the city centre? Is he expected to walk his Mini Kievs right to the Iceland in Norwich and deprive the country of his tasty mechanically processed poutry? It's political correctness gone mad."

[dewisaint]

Very good mate

[Filler.]

Hi Dave,

Hope you're well mate. Listen... I've got some Spaghetti Bolognaise sauce in the freezer and I've also got some sausages in there, and I was thinking of going with Bangers and Mash with them, but the Spag Bol can be done quicker, and I can cook it up during half time for the early kick off today. Which one would you get your good lady wife to cook up? Best, Rob.

[SteLFC91]

We should start up a rumour about us wanting to sign James McCarthy and see if we can get him on Sky denying it.

[macca888]

Hi Dave,

Hope you're well mate. Listen... I've got some Spaghetti Bolognaise sauce in the freezer and I've also got some sausages in there, and I was thinking of going with Bangers and Mash with them, but the Spag Bol can be done quicker, and I can cook it up during half time for the early kick off today. Which one would you get your good lady wife to cook up? Best, Rob.

DW: "Rob, I hope my terrible time keeping hasn't delayed your tea. Personally, I'd have gone with the Spag Bol. I love a saucy foreigner, as my love for Chico Martinez would attest. Mind you, I'd probably make the Bolognaise and try and flog it to Spurs for £5 a plate. Mrs W always prefers a nice bit of pork sausage though. which I find more and more difficult to give her."

[macca888]

We should start up a rumour about us wanting to sign James McCarthy and see if we can get him on Sky denying it.

DW:  "James is going nowhere. You lot would be lucky to sign Mick McCarthy. Having said that, if my good friend Sir Aex wants to sign him, I woudn't stand in the young lad's way. I'd happily take a good shafting of him and get sell him for £5 million to keep my sober friend happy."

[Hymer Red]

Dear Dave

When Her Maj Liz the Queen finally snuffs it will King Kenny be taking over?

[Frizzo]

Dear Dave,

When will goal-line technology be introduced?

Further to that, when will video technology be introduced for offsides and such?

Further further to that, in what year will all games be refereed by an unbiased robot version of the unbiased Howard Webb?

Also, you're a twat and my girlfriend gives out blowjobs like Balotelli gets red cards. Are you jealous?

[rola]

Dear Dave
What is your view on the Higgs Boson?

Ta

[mccred]

Dave, I love a good conspiracy theory, did you know Paul McCartney died in 1965 and was replaced by a double to keep the magic flowing. Also did Hitler really kill himself, I hear he's living in comfort on the dark side of the moon planning his come back to coincide with Torres's burst of pace to beat the first defender like he used to? Can we sleep comfortable knowing both are never going to happen? These things do keep me awake at night.

[WEST HAM PAUL]

Dear Dave,

Thanks for Diame on a free haha.

How does that feel ??

[Crimson_Tank]

Dear Dave,

Tomorrow night I am making spaghetti with clams and some crusty bread. If I wanted to time the cooking of the meal, when would I have to put my loaf in the hot box and wat what temperature? Then after it is gone in for how long do I have to cook my pasta so that I so not make it too soft? As the missus does not like a limp noodle. As for the clams, at what temperature and for how long should I be sauteing them?

Could I get all times in seconds and the temperatures in Kelvin?

Cheers in advance, Lego Man. 

[macca888]

Dear Dave

When Her Maj Liz the Queen finally snuffs it will King Kenny be taking over?

DW: "King Kenny? He's not fit to tie the waistband on Bobby's Mike Walker tracky bottoms. If anyone in football is to take over, I can see it being Lord Ferguson getting promoted. Myself, I'd prefer to keep Liz forever. Maybe we coud do a Walt Disney on her and make her the Ice Queen."

[macca888]

Dear Dave,

When will goal-line technology be introduced?

Further to that, when will video technology be introduced for offsides and such?

Further further to that, in what year will all games be refereed by an unbiased robot version of the unbiased Howard Webb?

Also, you're a twat and my girlfriend gives out blowjobs like Balotelli gets red cards. Are you jealous?

DW: "How pertinent you should bring up goal line technology after what happened the other night. If it had been in place now, England would have been knocked out of the Champions League by that gang of East European pimps and gun runners. Fuck that! The only technology allowed in football should be Sky cameras in my office for me to dish out interviews.

and as for your girlfriend, well I'm not jealous at all. Mine looks like a short length of overcooked spaghetti these days. However, I did already know about your girlfriend's penchant for getting her laughing gear round the old pork sword. Macca told me that she could suck a Wembley Trophy size 5 football through a length of hose pipe, and he had the pictures too!"

[macca888]

Dear Dave
What is your view on the Higgs Boson?

Ta

DW: "To be completely honest, I'm sick and tired of players being allowed to leave on a free at the end of their contract. Unless it's to let them go to a big team like United. Bloody Europe sticking their beady foreign beaks where they're not wanted."

[macca888]

Dave, I love a good conspiracy theory, did you know Paul McCartney died in 1965 and was replaced by a double to keep the magic flowing. Also did Hitler really kill himself, I hear he's living in comfort on the dark side of the moon planning his come back to coincide with Torres's burst of pace to beat the first defender like he used to? Can we sleep comfortable knowing both are never going to happen? These things do keep me awake at night.

DW: "I always suspected that McCartney was an imposter. When I saw them in Germany in the 60's he couldn't play the guitar or sing. He was only in the group because he could talk a bit of the lingo and could negotiate reduced fees for all of Ringo's prozzies. All of a sudden he can do everything and it never made sense to me.

As for Adolf, don't you worry son. My dad and his boys really stuck it up them and chased the bloody huns off for good. And anyway, even if they brought him back like in Jurassic Park, he was a shortarse with one bollock who couldn't grow a proper muzzy. Nowt to be afraid of."

[Crimson_Tank]

and as for your girlfriend, well I'm not jealous at all. Mine looks like a short length of overcooked spaghetti these days. However, I did already know about your girlfriend's penchant for getting her laughing gear round the old pork sword. Macca told me that she could suck a Wembley Trophy size 5 football through a length of hose pipe, and he had the pictures too!"

[macca888]

Dear Dave,

Thanks for Diame on a free haha.

How does that feel ??

DW: "You must feel happy today Paul. It's like somebody has taken a knife and driven it right through my wallet. Not ony have you now got one of the greatest English managers of all time, you've now got a team of players who are good enough to be with him at Real Madrid if he ever gets the job he deserves, like Jaaskelainen, Diame, and John Carew."

[macca888]

Dear Dave,

Tomorrow night I am making spaghetti with clams and some crusty bread. If I wanted to time the cooking of the meal, when would I have to put my loaf in the hot box and wat what temperature? Then after it is gone in for how long do I have to cook my pasta so that I so not make it too soft? As the missus does not like a limp noodle. As for the clams, at what temperature and for how long should I be sauteing them?

Could I get all times in seconds and the temperatures in Kelvin?

Cheers in advance, Lego Man. 

DW: "My that's a fine head of hair you've got there my friend. I just have to ask though, cooking up all that bloody poncey food, are you one of those new fangled metricsexuals they're all talking about? Clams and buns eh? Bugger that fancy dan Duncan Norvelle cuisine son. Get yourself a pack of Harry Ramsdens chippy style Haddocks and a bag of curly fries out of Iceland, a tin of mushy peas, a splash of Heinz tomato sauce, two rounds of buttered Warburtons and a mug of tea each. I guarantee you, your missus's knicker elastic will snap faster than I'd snap Daniel Levy's cheque for Bobby Martinez out of his hand."

[meff]

Hello Dave, my wife would like to use your toilet.

[macca888]

Hello Dave, my wife would like to use your toilet.

DW: "This is one of the finest toilets in the world and it's destined for bigger things. I've always said, I'd never stand in it's way if a better class of arse wanted to sit on it. But I don't want it to leave obviously, but I'll happily accept a ton for it.

BREAKING NEWS: Just been on the blower to Jim White and told him that Meff's wife has offered my trusty Armitage Shanks the job of caressing her pert buttocks while she goes for a wee or even a number two. The only thing holding up the deal is that my bog likes to sit the loo roll on top of the cistern. It doesn't want Meff's wife interfering and using one of those separate fancy toilet roll holder management systems that you can buy from Argos."

[Aaron Cross]

DW: "Now you behave, bloody young buck. I'll be back on the telly before you know it. I've hired a VHS camcorder from Redifusion for a month so I'll be making some tapes for Sky News. The first one got sent back because I was wearing red speedos and doing a little dance, but the bloody idiots in Sky didn't realise that I'd marked it "For Jim White's Eyes Only"  anyway, don't you worry your pretty little head about me and Bobby. He's not going anywhere soon, and when he's not in my office, I can always look up at June on my Martinez 2012 Picture Calendar. He always puts a smile on my face."

[jpkokko]

Why this thread is open; not funny at all...

Or if this should be open then "Summer 2012 Transfer Forum" is not the correct place?

[Frizzo]

Why this thread is open; not funny at all...

Or if this should be open then "Summer 2012 Transfer Forum" is not the correct place?

This must be a level, no?

Early contender for thread of the season. I haven't laughed so hard since I saw a Polish girl get a football kicked square into her face the other week.

Classic comedy.

[givemekaliber]

Dave. It's raining where I live and I'm wOndering whether to cycle to work. It's a distance of approximately 14 miles

[vishy01234]

Dave, what do you think of no added sugar fizzy drinks?

[GBF]

Dear Dave,

What disease did cured ham actually have?


Sincerely yours,
GBF

[IamSpartacus]

Dear Dave,

Why don't they serve oranges at half-time any more?

Regards
Del Monte

[vishy01234]

Dave, answer all our questions you twat. Make good on your promise to answer every single dumb ass question on here. You made your bed ...

[macca888]

Why this thread is open; not funny at all...

Or if this should be open then "Summer 2012 Transfer Forum" is not the correct place?

DW: "It's not my fault JP Cock. I wanted my own forum with a television channel, but RAWK are a load of tight arses. Not like Jim White and the boys."