Topic: Struggling with depression

[In the Net]

This is what this thread is for mate!
Can imagine being bullied would be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Can totally relate to seeing the absurdity of life.
But you mentioned you have a son. How is your relationship with him? Obviously there's a big reason to live right there My dad made a suicide attempt as well, a few years ago. At first it was really hard, but I forgave him. Certainly now that I sometimes experience the same kind of mindset he must've been in.

My relationship with my son is very good - I probably should have said that I am female, so it is mother/son, which I think is often a close bond. His Dad left when he was 13, and 18 months before that our business had gone bust and we lost our house. So my son does appreciate that I worked hard to save a deposit from zero starting point, but also made sure he could still do the stuff enjoyed. Luckily I've always been mad about football, so taking him to training and watching his matches was the norm for me. We'd had season tickets at Bristol Rovers (no sniggering please!), since he was 5, and we carried on with this, and travelling to quite a few away games too. Including Anfield in the FA Cup in 1992, although I was ill so he had to go with his cousin. 

He's an adult now, and travels abroad quite a lot. He was only told what had happened when my brother picked him up from the station - his first words when he got home were "Mum, I'm so glad you're still here". So, yes, of course he should be my reason for living - but the mind isn't always that logical when you're in a bad place. Both him and his girlfriend are incredibly supportive, and that helps me fighting the demons.

I have followed Liverpool since approx 1970, but have only been to Anfield once - in 1976. I've also watched them at Ashton Gate a few times, in the old Div One and FA Cup games.

[In the Net]

It's threads like this that make RAWK so much more than just another football website.  It's what binds us together as an online family, no matter what your club allegiance is.  It's about respecting and supporting human dignity.

Red Beret - it sounds as though you are doing well, don't be too hard on yourself. Sorting out stuff like a new washing machine is a real achievement when you're struggling with life. It's good that you've been totally honest with your GP, sometimes that's one of the hardest things to do - say out loud how you are feeling.

You mentioned the "whispering" that you sometimes hear. I sometimes hear a voice in my head, but I know that it's just my own thoughts, making negative suggestions. I wondered if this was what you meant too? I have a small glass bottle with a cork in it, and if I "hear" the voice, I tap the cork and tell myself that so far I have managed to stop the negative thoughts from getting out from inside my head, and transforming them into actions. Even on good days, I tap the cork when I pass the bottle, just to re-inforce that it's another day that I've beaten the demons. I know it sounds totally mad - but it does help!

Re. the ESA - are you aware of this website? http://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/ I had to appeal to be put into the Support Group, after a totally useless ATOS assessment, and I used their booklet to help me write the appeal. I subscribe to the website, so if these documents would be of any use to you, I could download them + e-mail to you.

Apologies if I appear to be sticking my nose in too much for a newbie. Just tell me to butt out! 

[Commie Bobbie]

Know I've explained my situation in the past, I'm up and down like a fucking yo-yo at the moment. As some may know I do spot of DJing which is starting to get quite good now. However with that comes a major downside. With the intense euphoric moments of seeing people enjoy their nights in part due to you playing what they love, so there is a major comedown the following morning. Let's take this weekend, did my first company function for a mate, smashed it and kept on going afterwards til gone 6am. In part because I know that when I finish the comedown kicks in. Again last night, played one of my best sets in a while, and now my heads in bits. I'm on fluoxetine, doubled to two a day, however in the past few months, I've resorted to going back doing what I started doing in the years after the court case and eventual divorce of my parents, which I blamed myself for, and started doing coke, M-Kat amongst other things - just to keep the euphoria going and to delay the inevitable. Fucking annoying!!

[Red Genius]

Know I've explained my situation in the past, I'm up and down like a fucking yo-yo at the moment. As some may know I do spot of DJing which is starting to get quite good now. However with that comes a major downside. With the intense euphoric moments of seeing people enjoy their nights in part due to you playing what they love, so there is a major comedown the following morning. Let's take this weekend, did my first company function for a mate, smashed it and kept on going afterwards til gone 6am. In part because I know that when I finish the comedown kicks in. Again last night, played one of my best sets in a while, and now my heads in bits. I'm on fluoxetine, doubled to two a day, however in the past few months, I've resorted to going back doing what I started doing in the years after the court case and eventual divorce of my parents, which I blamed myself for, and started doing coke, M-Kat amongst other things - just to keep the euphoria going and to delay the inevitable. Fucking annoying!!

You alright fella....i was never a DJ with your skills - i did however learn how to spunk around £17k - yep that's right - thousand squids, on banging a load of coke up my nose in around 5 months. I also have had issues with drink.

I went the docs last year when my head went west, he recommended initially three basic things, cycle of sleep, 3 good meals a day and exercise. Now immediately from your above description i *know* you not doing the sleep part well... which in all fairness is the most important part, sleep is most important for the mind.

May i ask... before you did these DJ jobs, did you feel unwell? I'd bet my life savings on it you were a top lad with boss mates happy as larry  ....

[Commie Bobbie]

I've been up and down for the best part of 15 years! The djing is a release from the shite of the past as well as the stresses of work!!!

[Herby]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to message me.  My lad is 3 in August - it's killing me imagining him going to be without me reading him a story, or not being there when he comes running in the bedroom in the morning.

I get to chat to him on FaceTime, but it's not the same, and then I'm just a mess for about an hour afterwards

Been there mate - split up with my missus when my daughter was 2 yeras old.
It's a killer.

My daughter is 20 now - she stayed over with me every week in all that time and we are very close - and I am now married to a lovely woman.

This scenario must seem a million miles away for you - but you must keep going.
For your son's sake - you must keep going.

Sorry for not giving much practical advice - but one small bit of advice - keep your job.
It'll keep you focused.

[Red Genius]

I've been up and down for the best part of 15 years! The djing is a release from the shite of the past as well as the stresses of work!!!

Shite of the past... Go-on mate, there's always a method to this madness.

[Commie Bobbie]

Shite of the past... Go-on mate, there's always a method to this madness.

Shit yeah! Having experienced sexual abuse at the hands of my dad's best mate at the time - it has fucked me up in some different ways.

Sexually, although I class myself as bisexual, I certainly don't feel the need to get into relationships because of a trust issue, and as such the way that my parents' marriage went south after the court case where the c*nt got off it was a given that it would fuck me up badly!

Going back to that trust issue, I've got a quality group of mates, some know the full SP, others don't - I've been a lot more open about discussing it in recent years, and I think the main reason is that the can of worms has been opened, and we as a society are seeing just how depraved it was 20, 30, 40 years ago. Sexual molestation was taboo all those years ago, but it does seen that it was the hidden evil that was never spoken about as people almost closed their eyes to it until too many people was saying that it had happened to them too.

I work as a Home underwriter, for a very well known insurer - the money is, considering the area rather good - I would need to jump to Ratpiss Central to get a serious whack on that. As a underwriter, it's a hard job, a stressful job. My manager knows the situation, and knows what I do. Literally everything. There needs to be that openness there.

I must stress at this point that although in recent weeks and months I have thought about ending the show, I haven't attempted anything - I've gone too far down the road of life to jump off now, unlike 15 years ago, where all I could see is a image of emptiness into the distance, now there is so much to look to. Last Friday, I did my first company function, played anything and everything, free booze and £200 cash for 3 and 1/2 hours work. Simple.

Making people happy is what I love doing. Making them have a good night makes me happy. But it's when I get back into my basement flat and lie awake at night that the negative thoughts run through my head - living on my own was one thing I said to myself I wouldn't do purely for that reason.  It gives you a perception whether right or wrong of being lonely. I don't like having to call upon people when I feel like that, as I don't want to be a burden on anyone at all - all you have to do is grin and bear it!! 

[jason42]

Guys and gals, been off here for a bit.
I am here for any of you if you need to chat by PM.
Stay strong, keep fighting the darkness.
YNWA

[Henry Chinaski]

So, yes, of course he should be my reason for living - but the mind isn't always that logical when you're in a bad place.

That's true, and I totally apologize for suggesting the relationship with your son could be the answer to your psychological problems. As English isn't my native language, some nuance probably got lost in translation.

Glad this passion for football gets you through at times. If you feel like it, we can continue our conversation via PM

[In the Net]

That's true, and I totally apologize for suggesting the relationship with your son could be the answer to your psychological problems. As English isn't my native language, some nuance probably got lost in translation.

Glad this passion for football gets you through at times. If you feel like it, we can continue our conversation via PM

No need to apologize - it was a perfectly relevant question. No offence taken 

[Henry Chinaski]

It's been a rough couple of days. Had a bit of a setback concerning substance abuse. I was more or less coping with life sober (well, not really), until all the deadlines at university started piling up and the stress at my job was getting too hard to bear. So I decided to go party on saturday with some friends, and forget about everything. Ended up taking too much speed, not sleeping or eating, and got myself convinced I had inhaled a lethal dose of methanol-gas (don't ask) and thinking my days were numbered.

Anyway, took a bunch of sleeping pills to be able to sleep on sunday night, woke up on monday afternoon and realized I had to do a presentation in front of an audience of about 40 people. Luckily, I didn't have to do it alone because I co-wrote the paper the presentation was about with a girl who was gonna be there too, and who was much better at these things. While we were waiting our turn in class, I started getting heavy palpitations, started sweating heavily, and was coughing up blood. I informed the girl, who is actually a good friend, about my condition (the fact I thought I had inhaled a lethal dose of methanol-gas, that is), left the auditorium and headed off to the emergency room.

They didn't find anything poisonous in my blood or urine (well, traces of amphetamine, but just that). They treated my like some sort of junkie buffoon, and after I was given a sedative, and felt less stressful, they let me leave the hospital again. I was extremely embarrassed that all this had been 'just' a fucking anxiety attack.

The anxiety, stress and self-loathing seem to follow me around everywhere from the moment I open my eyes. And I feel so guilty towards other people (my parents because I don't exactly do them proud, the girl who's in love with me because I'm not in love with her - or anyone for that matter...)

Because of therapy, I know the cause of my problems. But analysis so far hasn't fixed anything (I know it isn't supposed to, but I'd like to feel like it could). The only solution I can think of now is starting antidepressants, but I'm afraid of a blunt existence.

[Red Beret]

John C: There ARE days (well afternoons/evenings I suppose) where I can start drinking and just carry right on, and yes it has got me into trouble, or close to it, now and again.  It's the kind of thing that might happen once every four to six months.  There are also times I can go days or even weeks without a pint, or indeed any alcohol.  Not this month though unfortunately.  I've not been able to go more than 3 days without a drink, and there's been at least four days this month where I've had at least 3 to 5 pints.

Although I don't consider myself alcoholic, or even close, it bothers me from a standpoint of finances, calories and my lack of self control.  Also the potential for it to become a problem in the future troubles me - an example of my compulsive thinking.  There are certainly times I want to get my brain to stfu.

In the Net: The "whispering" I referred to isn't the kind of negative talk you think - my brain does that fine all on it's on and it certainly doesn't bloody whisper it lol.  This 'almost' seems to come from just outside my ears.  It tends to come out of nowhere, although usually of a night, and often makes no sense.  It's a bit like when you hear a conversation through a wall - you get the pattern and rhythm of language but don't quite catch the words.  When I DO catch the words, it's usually a bit stronger than a whisper and forms an actual voice - but it's nonsensical sentences; as if half a thought leaped out of my head to be heard from the outside.

I didn't know about the website and I'll check the link you gave me.  I saw the CAB lady yesterday and while I'm not interested in trying to get a decision on what group I should be in backdated, I do think that, based on the new information and evidence I have that wasn't available previously, I should be qualifying for the support group now.  After more than three years it seems nonsensical for me to be in the work group - I'm not going to be well enough to get back into conventional employment for years.

[John C]

   Stay strong and sensible Paul mate and you I don't mean that in a patronising manner.

[Red Beret]

I know you don't mate lol. 

[rosie]

It's been a rough couple of days. Had a bit of a setback concerning substance abuse. I was more or less coping with life sober (well, not really), until all the deadlines at university started piling up and the stress at my job was getting too hard to bear. So I decided to go party on saturday with some friends, and forget about everything. Ended up taking too much speed, not sleeping or eating, and got myself convinced I had inhaled a lethal dose of methanol-gas (don't ask) and thinking my days were numbered.

Anyway, took a bunch of sleeping pills to be able to sleep on sunday night, woke up on monday afternoon and realized I had to do a presentation in front of an audience of about 40 people. Luckily, I didn't have to do it alone because I co-wrote the paper the presentation was about with a girl who was gonna be there too, and who was much better at these things. While we were waiting our turn in class, I started getting heavy palpitations, started sweating heavily, and was coughing up blood. I informed the girl, who is actually a good friend, about my condition (the fact I thought I had inhaled a lethal dose of methanol-gas, that is), left the auditorium and headed off to the emergency room.

They didn't find anything poisonous in my blood or urine (well, traces of amphetamine, but just that). They treated my like some sort of junkie buffoon, and after I was given a sedative, and felt less stressful, they let me leave the hospital again. I was extremely embarrassed that all this had been 'just' a fucking anxiety attack.

The anxiety, stress and self-loathing seem to follow me around everywhere from the moment I open my eyes. And I feel so guilty towards other people (my parents because I don't exactly do them proud, the girl who's in love with me because I'm not in love with her - or anyone for that matter...)

Because of therapy, I know the cause of my problems. But analysis so far hasn't fixed anything (I know it isn't supposed to, but I'd like to feel like it could). The only solution I can think of now is starting antidepressants, but I'm afraid of a blunt existence.

Hope you're ok Hank, stay strong.

[stevienash]

What an emotional weekend. I split up with my ex wife August last year I finally got to a place in my life where I found myself being strong and happier.

This weekend I had my boys and I was taking them to a miniature railway place near me yesterday. Anyway I get a text off the ex asking if she could come with us I said yea thats cool thinking it would be nice for the boys ect. The next night she texts again asking how I would feel about going on holiday with her and the boys and see how it goes?? I say its a good idea ect. We spend yesterday together felt good but when I came to leave she was distant and seemed to go back the other way again.
I text her asking if she regretted sending me those texts she says she dont but still unsure of her feelings for me.

How can just a few texts bring me crashing back down and back to where i was last year. I know I still love her and always will but i had just started to suppress those feelings and not let them rule me anymore. Not that I want another relationship as all I want is my wife and family back but deep down I know its never going to happen..

[gamble]

I don't have the answer to your problems Stevie but I can sympathise somewhat with your situation. You can't get complete closure because of the family situation and obviously having been through so much together you still care about her. You feel like you're in a limbo and don't know what to do with all those feelings.

I am struggling badly this week. I have been going through a prolonged breakup from my girlfriend of 14 years. Things have been up and down, and increasingly distant the last couple of years. I made the decision at New years to move on and start fresh but literally a few days later her uncle fell terminally ill with cancer (her other two uncles have died of cancer too in the last few years) and we kept in contact to try help her get through it. Here's where some of the problems start - it's like she is two different people. Sometimes so close, other times so distant. She is very busy with work, travel, friends and who knows what else. She travels all over the world for her job and I couldn't even tell you what country she is today.

I have tried moving on and keeping busy and stopped contact with her. However recently I have been having some bad nightmares about her and all my demons have re-emerged. Break-ups are crap enough as it is but when you have mental issues I don't know how to deal with these emotions.

I gave her some nasty words on monday - the truth is though I feel hard done by and used. 14 years was a long time, seen a lot and promises were made that have been broken. She blocked me on WhatsApp which just sent me angry as hell and since then I have been struggling to control my mind and getting into trouble.

I don't what I'm meant to do with these feelings and emotions. I read once that depression is anger turned inward. I don't want to feel angry and there's nothing I can do with this anger. I don't want to get depressed again and definitely not over her. Falling asleep is so hard, waking up is so hard. I've started gambling big again and I need to stop. I put the bare minimum effort I need to put in to get through work and trough each day.

Is this normal or this just the start of something worse?

Hope everyone else is coping and staying strong through it all. YNWA.

[jason42]

I don't have the answer to your problems Stevie but I can sympathise somewhat with your situation. You can't get complete closure because of the family situation and obviously having been through so much together you still care about her. You feel like you're in a limbo and don't know what to do with all those feelings.

I am struggling badly this week. I have been going through a prolonged breakup from my girlfriend of 14 years. Things have been up and down, and increasingly distant the last couple of years. I made the decision at New years to move on and start fresh but literally a few days later her uncle fell terminally ill with cancer (her other two uncles have died of cancer too in the last few years) and we kept in contact to try help her get through it. Here's where some of the problems start - it's like she is two different people. Sometimes so close, other times so distant. She is very busy with work, travel, friends and who knows what else. She travels all over the world for her job and I couldn't even tell you what country she is today.

I have tried moving on and keeping busy and stopped contact with her. However recently I have been having some bad nightmares about her and all my demons have re-emerged. Break-ups are crap enough as it is but when you have mental issues I don't know how to deal with these emotions.

I gave her some nasty words on monday - the truth is though I feel hard done by and used. 14 years was a long time, seen a lot and promises were made that have been broken. She blocked me on WhatsApp which just sent me angry as hell and since then I have been struggling to control my mind and getting into trouble.

I don't what I'm meant to do with these feelings and emotions. I read once that depression is anger turned inward. I don't want to feel angry and there's nothing I can do with this anger. I don't want to get depressed again and definitely not over her. Falling asleep is so hard, waking up is so hard. I've started gambling big again and I need to stop. I put the bare minimum effort I need to put in to get through work and trough each day.

Is this normal or this just the start of something worse?

Hope everyone else is coping and staying strong through it all. YNWA.

You have to answer a few questions first so I can get a better idea of what you want to happen and how you feel right now...
1) Do you still love her? By this I mean are you still in love with her?
2) Do you want to be together with her now?
3) Do you see this relationship as the one that will stay together for the rest of your life?
4) Was breaking up with her the absolute correct decision?

I suspect that although you called time on the relationship, you feel that she has moved on far more efficiently than you have and she appears to be getting on with the rest of her life. You on the other hand are still coming to terms with the break up and feel that you just cannot gloss over the past 14 years as if they were nothing whereas that is exactly what she is seemingly doing.

If the relationship is most definitely over and there is no going back then you need to get your life back on track. If you are happy that ending the relationship was the right thing to do then you have to start believing that and stop doubting the decision. If she is your ex then she is the ex for a reason and you have to start looking forwards to the rest of your life. Happy to continue by PM if you want. 

[stevienash]

I don't have the answer to your problems Stevie but I can sympathise somewhat with your situation. You can't get complete closure because of the family situation and obviously having been through so much together you still care about her. You feel like you're in a limbo and don't know what to do with all those feelings.

I am struggling badly this week. I have been going through a prolonged breakup from my girlfriend of 14 years. Things have been up and down, and increasingly distant the last couple of years. I made the decision at New years to move on and start fresh but literally a few days later her uncle fell terminally ill with cancer (her other two uncles have died of cancer too in the last few years) and we kept in contact to try help her get through it. Here's where some of the problems start - it's like she is two different people. Sometimes so close, other times so distant. She is very busy with work, travel, friends and who knows what else. She travels all over the world for her job and I couldn't even tell you what country she is today.

I have tried moving on and keeping busy and stopped contact with her. However recently I have been having some bad nightmares about her and all my demons have re-emerged. Break-ups are crap enough as it is but when you have mental issues I don't know how to deal with these emotions.

I gave her some nasty words on monday - the truth is though I feel hard done by and used. 14 years was a long time, seen a lot and promises were made that have been broken. She blocked me on WhatsApp which just sent me angry as hell and since then I have been struggling to control my mind and getting into trouble.

I don't what I'm meant to do with these feelings and emotions. I read once that depression is anger turned inward. I don't want to feel angry and there's nothing I can do with this anger. I don't want to get depressed again and definitely not over her. Falling asleep is so hard, waking up is so hard. I've started gambling big again and I need to stop. I put the bare minimum effort I need to put in to get through work and trough each day.

Is this normal or this just the start of something worse?

Hope everyone else is coping and staying strong through it all. YNWA.

No I cant get complete closure as my boys as so young. It don't help when she texts me what she did last weekend then nothing since feels like im back to where i was last august when we split up so depressed.

Also going to be homeless for a couple of weeks! sold and complete on family house next Friday the rental place i was going into aint going to be ready for a while now!! girl in work said i can sleep on her sofa not ideal.

Just keep thinking where did my life go so wrong!

[gerrardsarmy]

Feel for you all. First time in this thread.

I'm 22 and visited the docs today. I've struggled with anxiety for a while now. But at a manageable level. Normally just social situations or big presentations etc. Nothing out of the norm. I had my first major panic attack in January. And I've had a few since then. I went to the doctor about a month ago to seek advice. We gave it a couple of weeks to see how I felt and I went back today. He prescribed me something (Esitalo which is Escitalopram), and I had my first dose tonight and just a question on the side effects - (I had loss of appetite, drowsiness and dry mouth etc) Do they ease off as the body gets used to the medication?

I've got a long family history of depression, and my older brother also has it. And maybe I was always prepared that it was probably going to affect me at some stage. But nothing has could mentally prepare me I guess. My last 3 weeks have been some of the worst of my life. My mood has been completely messed up. My brain is like two voices shouting over each other, one the positive and one the negative. The negative wins most of the time but sometimes the positive thoughts get a whisper in. It's been messing with my head.

I have to stop drinking but it's so hard when I'm this young. All my mates just drink a shit load. And I love having nights out with them.

I'm going overseas to Mexico in a month as well. I organized it long before this stuff and I'm reconsidering whether to go. It feels like it could be good for me to just get away from it all but I'm scared.

Does it get better? I want to be hopeful but damn it's hard sometimes.

[RedAtHeart]

I'm going overseas to Mexico in a month as well. I organized it long before this stuff and I'm reconsidering whether to go. It feels like it could be good for me to just get away from it all but I'm scared.

I am no specialist, but from my personal experience I would say go. Embrace the positives and exciting elements life offers you. Don't focus on how your mental state will affect the trip, try instead to think of how even if you start feeling down, wouldn't rather be travelling and experiencing new places? What is the worst that could happen?

Oh and I bet it could be pretty exciting watching the WC in Mexico. And they got some pretty easy on the eyes women over there 

[In the Net]

Feel for you all. First time in this thread.


I'm going overseas to Mexico in a month as well. I organized it long before this stuff and I'm reconsidering whether to go. It feels like it could be good for me to just get away from it all but I'm scared.

Does it get better? I want to be hopeful but damn it's hard sometimes.

It will get better eventually, just bear in mind that for some it takes longer than others. Don't judge yourself, if it takes a while.

If you're going to Mexico with some good mates, and there's at least one person who you can be honest with, and who you can rely on to support you if you have a little wobble, then go for it. Immerse yourself in the surroundings and new experiences - there is a reason why they say "a change is as good as a rest".

Re. the meds - sometimes the side effects do settle down after a few weeks, hopefully this will be the case.  I know that my meds caused loss of appetite for the first month (thought I'd found an easy way to lose weight!) but it then gradually went back to normal.

Take care.

[Henry Chinaski]

Hope you're ok Hank, stay strong.

Thank you!

[Chakan]

Funny how 1 bad dream can completely set you off

Having a shit of a day. Will work through it, get through work , go home and hopefully put it all behind me.

[jason42]

One little bit of good news for any of you who have the misfortune to deal with ATOS - someone has finally noticed how shit they are and they are gone at last...http://www.itv.com/news/story/2014-06-20/mps-personal-independence-payment-scheme-a-fiasco/

Hopefully, whoever comes in to replace them will actually look at the person sitting across from them and actually listen to them rather than just ticking things off from a checklist.

[Fiasco]

I don't want to be here any more. I'll probably continue to be because I don't have the balls to do anything about it, but I don't want to be here. It's a horrible feeling, because I know there are many many people who would love to be able to have the gift of life and I'm treating it so trivially. But that's just how it is.

[Red Genius]

I don't want to be here any more. I'll probably continue to be because I don't have the balls to do anything about it, but I don't want to be here. It's a horrible feeling, because I know there are many many people who would love to be able to have the gift of life and I'm treating it so trivially. But that's just how it is.

How comes mate?

[Sir Harvest Fields]

I don't want to be here any more. I'll probably continue to be because I don't have the balls to do anything about it, but I don't want to be here. It's a horrible feeling, because I know there are many many people who would love to be able to have the gift of life and I'm treating it so trivially. But that's just how it is.

Always at the end of a PM or phone if u need my number mate.

[Fiasco]

How comes mate?

Quite a few things mate. Mainly because I don't think I can ever be what I want to be, or at least have a life that I can be proud of. I feel like I'm destined for disappointment (I don't say that for pity by the way, just circumstance suggests so).

I don't want to try to be something or try to get somewhere why I know it's almost certain that I'll never make it. The things/people that make me happy are not relevant and ultimately I feel like burden on society. If I wasn't here, it would be better for a lot of people in the long run. It's morbid, it's blunt but it's how I feel. If I had the cojones to do something about it then I would, because I'm living my life under the biggest black cloud that I have ever known.

[Fiasco]

Always at the end of a PM or phone if u need my number mate.

Thanks mate. I'm gonna try and get some sleep now but I'll respond properly as soon as I can.

[Red Genius]

Not that it will help - but it's a great interpretation (and i know as i too have suffered from depression) - sometimes you think nobody could possibly understand, and it all seems so trivial and you think "no reason - just feel proper like shit" - know this matey, that's not true.... as the video below will demonstrate, talking helps.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc&feature=kp

[EstonianRed]

Quite a few things mate. Mainly because I don't think I can ever be what I want to be, or at least have a life that I can be proud of. I feel like I'm destined for disappointment (I don't say that for pity by the way, just circumstance suggests so).

I don't want to try to be something or try to get somewhere why I know it's almost certain that I'll never make it. The things/people that make me happy are not relevant and ultimately I feel like burden on society. If I wasn't here, it would be better for a lot of people in the long run. It's morbid, it's blunt but it's how I feel. If I had the cojones to do something about it then I would, because I'm living my life under the biggest black cloud that I have ever known.

Stay strong mate and if it helps, try to make some minor goals in your life, that you know you should achieve. And no mate, no one is a burden on society.

[John C]

Thanks mate. I'm gonna try and get some sleep now but I'll respond properly as soon as I can.

Please do get in touch with SHF mate, don't just leave it. A reciprocal energy exchange will be good for you both.
Pester him please Carl 

[Fiasco]

Carl I'll drop you a PM sometime tonight mate if that's okay, I'll probably ramble on a little bit mind you. Thank you for your concern folks, I felt like I just needed to offload a little bit and I felt comfortable doing that on here.

For what it's worth, I feel much better today. Been for a walk with the dogs and cleared my head, just going to potter around do some bits and keep busy.

[Sir Harvest Fields]

Of course mate. U ramble away

[Red Beret]

Saw the psychiatrist yesterday.  He wants to double my dose of Duloxetine and throw in an anti-psychotic  drug as well - can't remember what it's called.  Can't say I'm bowled over at the prospect, given it's tendency to invoke suicidal thoughts, but right now I'll try anything.  Bestie has given me contact details for a good hypnotherapist over in the Wirral which I'll be taking a look at.

And then - surprise surprise - this morning I got the dreaded Atos letter through the door.  They want to see me in their Bootle office, 9am 14th July.  I'm now officially bricking it.  The thought of these douchebags scoring me zero out of fifteen again will be enough to cause me sleepless nights for the next two weeks.

[Fiasco]

Feeling completely lifeless tonight. It's an odd feeling, many times when I feel down or on edge with anxiety etc there can be an urge to want to get drunk (I never do, it never works, but the thought is there now and then), or to gorge on food subconsciously, or to want to do something that may distract or take the edge off. Here now though I just have no interest in anything. I'm just a body. No laughter, no tears, no emotion. Just here. I feel like I'm in a bubble and I am extremely robotic.

[red mongoose]

Feeling completely lifeless tonight. It's an odd feeling, many times when I feel down or on edge with anxiety etc there can be an urge to want to get drunk (I never do, it never works, but the thought is there now and then), or to gorge on food subconsciously, or to want to do something that may distract or take the edge off. Here now though I just have no interest in anything. I'm just a body. No laughter, no tears, no emotion. Just here. I feel like I'm in a bubble and I am extremely robotic.

Mate, I'm not equipped to help you solve your problems because I don't know anything. But I want you to know that you are important to me - I love having you around here and I love your posts. It doesn't matter if we have spoken only two or three times and if it is only on the internet - you matter to me. It is important to me that you feel better. I mean that sincerely. I'm not anywhere near to hang out with or have drinks or anything, I'm all the way in Bangkok, but I want you to stay close to your dogs. It may sound daft, but they are lovely creatures that just absorb badness out of you if you let them. Think about what you mean to them, because I can absolutely assure you that you mean the world to them - no question about it. Try to focus outward and get out of your head if you can. I hope you feel better very soon mate. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but you are definitely not alone. YNWA

[Fiasco]

Mate, I'm not equipped to help you solve your problems because I don't know anything. But I want you to know that you are important to me - I love having you around here and I love your posts. It doesn't matter if we have spoken only two or three times and if it is only on the internet - you matter to me. It is important to me that you feel better. I mean that sincerely. I'm not anywhere near to hang out with or have drinks or anything, I'm all the way in Bangkok, but I want you to stay close to your dogs. It may sound daft, but they are lovely creatures that just absorb badness out of you if you let them. Think about what you mean to them, because I can absolutely assure you that you mean the world to them - no question about it. Try to focus outward and get out of your head if you can. I hope you feel better very soon mate. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but you are definitely not alone. YNWA

I appreciate it mate. You are absolutely right. I have three dogs now, after my first one died (I had her since I was 10) I slightly over-compensated by getting three. But Millie who died was such a good dog to me, as all Labradors seem to be. Anything that I ever went through as a teenager, the typical hardships and the personal ones, she was there. I talked to her every night, she knew when I was upset, she knew when I was down and was not able to walk her (I still did religiously, but she seemed to know when I was not in the mood and wouldn't kick up a fuss.) She was brilliant. She's been gone approaching 2 years now and it's still raw.

The three I have now are all wonderful, genuinely wonderful. I see parts of Millie in all three of them, it's very strange. But they keep me going in a different way. Having to attend and look after all three is tough but I wouldn't be without it. Animals are wonderful things, for others it may be their cat or rabbit or whatever else but animals are wonderful and in times of hardship you appreciate just how wonderful.

Thanks for your kind words mate, if you ever need anything, to chat or to moan or get anything off your chest I'm only a PM away.