I had a fling with a girl last summer, met her in town, went back to hers, did the deed, exchanged numbers etc etc. The week after, we meet up, went the cinema, it was decent. The night after that we went out for a drink, at which point, she said the feared L word, in the feared context. I just smiled and pretended I hadn't heard anything, she probably said it two or 3 times more that evening, I hadn't even known her a week. Anyhow, it was a shag at the end of the day, and I wasn't going to ditch her straight away, we were getting on. After about 2 weeks of her constantly saying the L word, and dying inside when I didn't say it back, I had to say it. Anyhow, I went on holiday with the lads about a month after meeting her, which she was unimpressed about, not as if I had booked it 6 months before I'd even met her or anything...
I tell her before I go that it costs about £1.50 to send a text, (I'm sure it was probably less, but I couldn't be arsed texting her all the time) so I wouldn't be able to text her, she pays me £20, just so that I can keep in touch with her. I was on holiday for 2 weeks, so that would cover about a text or 2 a day. I also tell her I'll be by the pool/on the beach all day, and won't take my phone with me, because phones/water or sand don't mix. I'd get back from the pool every day, and have about 20 texts in my inbox. They'd start off like "hey babe, you have a good night last night? Missing you xxxxxx" Then as they got towards the later ones, it'd be "WHY HAVEN'T YOU TEXT ME BACK? I KNOW YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME, SO WHY NOT JUST TELL ME!" and "YOU'RE NOT THE SAME WHEN YOU'RE WITH YOUR MATES. I WANT THE REAL MIKE BACK. THE MIKE THAT TEXTS ME BACK. COME HOME!" I had wanted to bin her off for awhile, but I was struggling to work out how, what with me clearly being the best thing that ever happened to her. So in the end, I brainstormed with some of my lifelong friends, and we spent about an hour, devising the perfect text to dump her with
it was actually very heart felt, some of my mates are girls, and they said the kinds of things they wouldn't want to hear, cliches etc. She was in work, so I planned to send it after she finished, rather than have her break down in work... she worked in a pub, finished her shift at about 2am) by which time me and my mates were all rather pissed. I press send. She rings me, crying down the phone, I think it'd be hilarious to put it on loudspeaker, all my mates are listening in, pissing themselves! Then her sister rings me, threatening to kneecap me, and get me fired from my job, arrested, and kicked out of university, cos she was going to tell my boss, the police, and my uni, that I do drugs... anyhow, we were all wasted, and found these phone calls rather amusing. Later that night I met a welsh girl with MASSIVE tits, we got chatting, turned out she had dumped her fella by text that night too. We made sweet drunken love in a field under the stars, and I never saw her again. The end.
