27th January 2002.
Re: Application for Position of Team Manager.
Please find enclosed my Curriculum Vitae as application for the vacant position of Team Manager. Although at first glance I may not seem the ideal candidate, I would like to make the following points in my favour:
1. Have achieved success at amateur level. Playing in the Beauvale Midlands Regional Alliance League, and the Derby City League, playing alongside such players as Chris Riggott (England U21 and Derby), Bobby Hassell (Mansfield Town), James Wall (Atlanta Silverbacks (US)), and Kevin Hector (ex Derby County and England). Have also been managed by a former England International in Kevin Hector.
2. I have been the proud owner of a Liverpool Season Ticket for 8 years and in that time have regularly seen football the way it should be played.
3. Have experienced the pressure of top class football from the age of 7, having been a mascot for Liverpool Football Club in February 1988. This also gave me invaluable experience of handling the media at a young age, as I appeared on ‘Sportsnight’, as well as in the matchday programme. An interview for a newspaper was also conducted, and here is an excerpt from it: “Paul looks like becoming the most enthusiastic of the three. He now holds a Liverpool season ticket and is already almost a walking football encyclopaedia”. Later, the Liverpool Echo ran a story in which they said, “young Paul is a walking encyclopaedia of the Reds.”
4. Have experience of European football, having been to Amsterdam to watch Liverpool play Ajax, Valencia, and AC Milan. I also followed Liverpool’s successful 2000 UEFA Cup run, as well as going on holiday in Europe. I also got a B in GCSE French.
5. My brother is called Andy Gray, and my father Eddie Gray, ensuring a name that is recognise in football circles all over the world.
6. An impressive roll of honour that includes the English Premier League (6 times), Scottish Premier League (5 times), UEFA Cup (twice), European Champions League (6 times), European Super Cup (4 times), English FA Cup (4 times), Worthington Cup (4 times), Scottish FA Cup (4 times), Scottish League Cup (5 times), World Club Championship, and the Euro 2004 Championships, as well as 11 Manager of the year titles both north and south of the border, as manager of Liverpool Football Club, Glasgow Celtic Football Club, and the English National side in Championship Manager 2001-2002.
7. Although I have been known to participate in the quaffing of alcoholic beverages, I am not an alcoholic, have never taken drugs, including cocaine, have never kung-fu kicked a member of the crowd, never criticised a referee on television, never taken a bung or been paid monies for fixing a match, never intentionally grabbed another players testicles, all my business are above board, have never slept with any of the Spice Girls, nor Dani Behr, have never been caught in a compromising position with a team-mate, have not accepted an undeserved knighthood, have never gone on strike or moved companies under the Bosman ruling, have never sniffed a goal line, or shown my bottom to other players, would not wear Wellington boots on the touchline, I do not dye my hair, and would give the position my total dedication as the scouts at Liverpool Football Club have not yet spotted my obvious playing ability.
8. I recognise Gary Neville as an overrated player, who consistently plays the opposing team onside, is often caught out of position, and who regularly gives the ball away under little pressure.
9. Would be willing to change my name to something like Paolo Antoine Van Der Gray upon appointment, if the board felt it necessary to appoint a foreign name.
10. Would be willing to consider any other positions within the football club, should you feel that I am not experienced enough for the position of first team manager, but there is another position for which my many attributes would be ideally suited to. I feel I am a very versatile, intelligent, hard working, and good-humoured individual.
Available for interview at any time, I look forward to hearing from you in the very near future.
PAUL ANTHONY GRAY.