Topic: Ask Big Dava

[JonnyCigarettes®]

ASK BIG DAVA




Welcome to Ask Big Dava,

Big Dava has a motto, which is “Let’s talk about it!”. When you have problems of any kind, it maybe a relationship problem, family problems, personal problems and even sexual problems, he is here to help.

Big Dava wants to give something back to the community we all live in. He believes that  sharing a problem is half way to solving it,.

Big Dava wants to be here when you need him, be it day or night, 24-7!.

[Garstonite]

Alright Dava, hope you're keeping well.

Basically, there is this girl at work I really like. She works at the opposite side of the office to me, but always makes the effort to come over for a chat - asking how my weekend was, how I'm doing etc. I always thought she was just being friendly, but the other day another colleague of mine was telling me he's sure she fancies me. She's a really sweet girl and I am physically attracted to her.

My question is: once I find out where she lives, are the Pentax DCF MCII Binoculars any good?

Thank-you.

[guest]

Dear Dava,

I feel that the whole world is against me, but I'm just misunderstood. I'm in a hole right now and I simply can't get out of it.

Regards,
Osama from Margate.

[Hinesy]

Alright Dava, hope you're keeping well.

Basically, there is this girl at work I really like. She works at the opposite side of the office to me, but always makes the effort to come over for a chat - asking how my weekend was, how I'm doing etc. I was thought she was just being friendly, but the other day another colleague of mine was telling me he's sure she fancies me. She's a really sweet girl and I am physically attracted to her.

My question is: once I find out where she lives, are the Pentax DCF MCII Binoculars any good?

Thank-you.

ha ha that made me laugh out loud.

[JonnyCigarettes®]

Dear Dava,

I want to take a girl out.

Should I use a Rockwell L341A2 "Ranger" Sniper Rifle?

[Millie]

Dear Big Dava

there's bloke at work - seems to think I fancy him - no idea why - I was just being friendly.

Anyhow I have seen him lurking about outside my house, and I swear he is spying on me (he carries these binoculars with him).

What should I do? Should I just chuck one of those hand grenade thingies at him? or should I just shoot him on sight?

Cheers

[Garstonite]

Dear Big Dava

there's bloke at work - seems to think I fancy him - no idea why - I was just being friendly.

Anyhow I have seen him lurking about outside my house, and I swear he is spying on me (he carries these binoculars with him).

What should I do? Should I just chuck one of those hand grenade thingies at him? or should I just shoot him on sight?

Cheers

Fair play.

[Brian Blessed]

Dear Dava,

I've been in a relationship with a woman for about two years now. At first everything great, the sex out of this world, just rough enough to make me come back for more. Anyway, lately I've found myself less attractive to her, and I think I want it to end.

My question is, should I murder her and leave the body in the forest, or blindfold her and return her to the spot I abducted her from, hoping that the years of physical and mental torture will have erased my location from her mind?

[El Campeador]

Dear Big Dava,

Every time I start a post in the News and Current Affairs Board, two pesky lovers called Danny and Yorky come in and hijack my thread to talk about Communism and Holocaustial Philosphy.

Should I use the blue ping of death to render their computers inoperable, or should I go the route of calling in an air strike to the USAF, claiming I've found terrorists?

Thank You

[Brian Blessed]

Dear Dava,

There's this guy at work who I can't help but be attracted to. But whenever I go over to his desk, there's this bitch hanging around, so I can't make an approach. I've started following 'Mr. Right', and to my dismay found him lurking in the bushes outside this woman's house, binoculars in one hand, the object of my desire in the other.

Exactly how much C4 would I need to completely demolish a house of approx 1500 square feet, and with a big enough explosion that a bystander about 40 feet away would be guaranteed to be taken out by the collateral damage?


P.S. It's a two story. Hope that helps!

[IloveGuinness17]

Dear Dava,

I have been getting ready a wedding I am to stand up and speak in. However, I am having the most horrible time in attempting to decide what to wear. I have a beautiful lavender tube top w/ leopard skin thong or a simple and unrefined white t-shirt w/ fishnet stockings.

Ta

[BIGdavalad]

I would never lower myself to using a piece of shit like the M4.

Alright Dava, hope you're keeping well.

Basically, there is this girl at work I really like. She works at the opposite side of the office to me, but always makes the effort to come over for a chat - asking how my weekend was, how I'm doing etc. I always thought she was just being friendly, but the other day another colleague of mine was telling me he's sure she fancies me. She's a really sweet girl and I am physically attracted to her.

My question is: once I find out where she lives, are the Pentax DCF MCII Binoculars any good?

Thank-you.

Go for something like these. The built in camera means that you can remember your favourite stalking memories forever - make sure you keep the memory card seperate and well hidden for the mornings that Robert Peel's finest knock enthusiastically on your door and ask you politely to stop bothering the local 'ladies'. On the subject - a folding entrenching tool and Ghillie suit will make your hidey hole virtually invisible!

Dear Dava,

I feel that the whole world is against me, but I'm just misunderstood. I'm in a hole right now and I simply can't get out of it.

Regards,
Osama from Margate.

Dramatic suicide is your only option. Take hostages (preferably women and children for more media coverage. A primary school or McDonalds during a kiddie's party is ideal.) and end it all in a nationally covered stand off with armed police. The thought of so many people being there just for you will raise your self esteem to new heights and should you manage to get out alive your new found fame will make you a certainty for Celebrity Big Brother or Love Island.

Dear Dava,

I want to take a girl out.

Should I use a Rockwell L341A2 "Ranger" Sniper Rifle?

Sadly imaginary sniper rifles are not the way to your lover's heart (or, indeed, her brain stem). Support British jobs by buying one of Accuracy International's many fine products. You can contact them on 01342 716247 for a catologue.

Dear Big Dava

there's bloke at work - seems to think I fancy him - no idea why - I was just being friendly.

Anyhow I have seen him lurking about outside my house, and I swear he is spying on me (he carries these binoculars with him).

What should I do? Should I just chuck one of those hand grenade thingies at him? or should I just shoot him on sight?

Cheers

Landmines. Landmines, landmines, landmines. The industry standard Claymore will stop his little game (whether your stalker is in fact Mister Hitler or not, he probably does have a little game) and comes in trip wire or remote control options. A couple of them in the flower beds will see your problems disappear, quite literally, in a puff of smoke. Just make sure you put the bit that says 'face towards enemy' facing your garden fence, otherwise you'll be picking ball bearings out of your back wall for weeks.

Dear Dava,

I've been in a relationship with a woman for about two years now. At first everything great, the sex out of this world, just rough enough to make me come back for more. Anyway, lately I've found myself less attractive to her, and I think I want it to end.

My question is, should I murder her and leave the body in the forest, or blindfold her and return her to the spot I abducted her from, hoping that the years of physical and mental torture will have erased my location from her mind?

Although many would jump to the conclusion that forests, pig farms or small fishing boats with weighted nets are where all our sexual relationships must naturally end up, there is much to be said for taking the gentleman's approach. Leaving your traumatised victim to be found and relying on either traumatic memory loss or the time honoured violent reminder that you know where they live is, I feel, a much politer way to end the relationship. There's always the chance, of course, that she'll do something stupid and tell someone but then you get the fun of watching her break down in court and at least you don't pay TV Licence inside...

[BIGdavalad]

Dear Big Dava,

Every time I start a post in the News and Current Affairs Board, two pesky lovers called Danny and Yorky come in and hijack my thread to talk about Communism and Holocaustial Philosphy.

Should I use the blue ping of death to render their computers inoperable, or should I go the route of calling in an air strike to the USAF, claiming I've found terrorists?

Thank You

If this board has taught us anything in recent days, it is that Mossad, the CIA and MI5 will launch some dastardly plot to fool the world into believing that two jets have flown into tower blocks at the drop of a hat. Simply invite your targets to a handy tower block (some form of cover story will be needed - tell Danny that both of the world's believers in Communism will be there and just tell Yorky that Danny's going to be there and he said something about Iran) and then tell the CIA that you think there may be oil in Lower Vanuatu, they just need an excuse to go to war with them...

Dear Dava,

There's this guy at work who I can't help but be attracted to. But whenever I go over to his desk, there's this bitch hanging around, so I can't make an approach. I've started following 'Mr. Right', and to my dismay found him lurking in the bushes outside this woman's house, binoculars in one hand, the object of my desire in the other.

Exactly how much C4 would I need to completely demolish a house of approx 1500 square feet, and with a big enough explosion that a bystander about 40 feet away would be guaranteed to be taken out by the collateral damage?


P.S. It's a two story. Hope that helps!

I like to follow the simple 'P for Plenty' rule - 25 to 30 pounds will be enough to leave the bitch in four million pieces at the bottom of a smoking crater and with a bit of luck your object of desire will be concussed that you can 'save him while you just happen to be passing' and use the extra leverage this will give you to bring him around.

Dear Dava,

I have been getting ready a wedding I am to stand up and speak in. However, I am having the most horrible time in attempting to decide what to wear. I have a beautiful lavender tube top w/ leopard skin thong or a simple and unrefined white t-shirt w/ fishnet stockings.

Ta

Mess tin order is, I believe, the accepted social norm for weddings. Hang two British Army issue messtins from a piece of scratchy green string (also available from the Quartermaster's store) and use one to cover each 'end'. Footwear should also be to the same standard of decorum - flip flops or crocs would be ideal.

[IloveGuinness17]

Mess tin order is, I believe, the accepted social norm for weddings. Hang two British Army issue messtins from a piece of scratchy green string (also available from the Quartermaster's store) and use one to cover each 'end'. Footwear should also be to the same standard of decorum - flip flops or crocs would be ideal.

phew, thanks mate. This has saved me so much stress

[BazC]

Dear Dava, Mr Big

My dearest ambition is to take over the world. What strategic strongholds should I take first and why. Also, what's the best way to go about recruiting an army for the cause?

Thank you.

Baz.

PS: if it comes off I'll give you your choice of land, women and give you a big case of the money I'm getting printed for the new hyper-state.

[Raul!]

Big, dear, dearest Dava,

Which colour of M&M's are best for an Asian complexion?  Can they be used as ammunition in a Beretta semi-automatic machine pistol? 

Finally, any sisters?

[Hinesy]

Fair play to Dava for his answers

[BIGdavalad]

Dear Dava, Mr Big

My dearest ambition is to take over the world. What strategic strongholds should I take first and why. Also, what's the best way to go about recruiting an army for the cause?

Thank you.

Baz.

PS: if it comes off I'll give you your choice of land, women and give you a big case of the money I'm getting printed for the new hyper-state.

Kamatchka and Australia are traditionally the territories to try and get first. Especially Australia, since it only has one invasion route and gives you five reinforcements per turn. South America's also handy, with easy routes to Africa and North America.

Big, dear, dearest Dava,

Which colour of M&M's are best for an Asian complexion?  Can they be used as ammunition in a Beretta semi-automatic machine pistol? 

Finally, any sisters?

The best M&Ms for a southern Asian gentleman such as yourself is, of course, the brown milk chocolate ones. Unfortunately your average M&M is slighty less than 9mm in diameter, giving 'windage' in the chamber and making them unsuitable for use with Barettas. A smartie is much more suitable.

[El Campeador]

Kamatchka and Australia are traditionally the territories to try and get first. Especially Australia, since it only has one invasion route and gives you five reinforcements per turn. South America's also handy, with easy routes to Africa and North America.

 

You're enjoying this aren't you.

[MBL?]

Dear Big Dava

I have recently found out much to my dismay that I am a flaming homosexual. Whats the best way to put out a fire?

Regards, Toms youngest.

[Brian Blessed]

Dear Big D,

is is true that in the extreme cols soldiers huddle in sort of a 69, with their heads between each other's thighs? And if so, what's teh temp where you are, because I'm quite chilly.

[BIGdavalad]

Dear Big Dava

I have recently found out much to my dismay that I am a flaming homosexual. Whats the best way to put out a fire?

Regards, Toms youngest.

Get your Dad to throw some petrol (or better still, avgas) onto it. 

You're enjoying this aren't you.

Some of them are pretty funny 

[CHOPPER]

Dear Dava
                 All the neighbours are doing my fucking head in, those who aren't ,want me to fuck off, everyone thinks I have to have it my own way, when that is not the case, honest.  I'm just missunderstood
Theirs some bloke who's a c*nt and who doesn't even live near mine (gordon's his name) he's tell me i should fuck of as well, I'm at me wits end
and to add insult to injury their going round writing things on walls about me
please,please, please can you help

  Yours Sincerely
                         Mr R Mugabe

[MrPlow]

Is that u in the pic or what?

[hansen6]

Big Dava,

What will we all do when the oil runs out?

[El Campeador]

Big Dava,

What will we all do when the oil runs out?

I can answer that one.

The oil will not run out. We have plenty to go about, Dick Cheney told me so.

As you were.

[Pheeny]

Dear Big Dava

there's bloke at work - seems to think I fancy him - no idea why - I was just being friendly.

Anyhow I have seen him lurking about outside my house, and I swear he is spying on me (he carries these binoculars with him).

What should I do? Should I just chuck one of those hand grenade thingies at him? or should I just shoot him on sight?

Cheers

post of the day.

[Pheeny]

Dear Dava,

Do you think I'd look good in Blue ?

[FOOT]

Big Dava.

You've got to help me, I am at my wits end.

I have just found out that not only is me ma cheating on me with our Phil, but our Tracy shouldn't have been playing girls netball for Ingurland as we all know she has a bigger 'clit' than Fatima Whibreads and was called Trevor till he/she was 3.

Also, there some old Scottish c*nt at work that stinks of whisky and stale piss that keeps coming into the showers asking me if I need a massage.

Help me, please.....

Gary 

[The Bill Hicks Appreciation Society]

Dear Big Dava,

I'm having problems at work, you see i've found a new job with a lot better prospects than the one I'm currently in but my stupid northern irish c*nt of a boss is doing everything in his power to stop me from leaving. I've been more than reasonable up to now but I'm really getting to the end of my tether. Is there any advice you can give me to how I can persuade him to let me follow my dream (preferably involving lots of violence).

Regards
Gareth

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

alrite Dava

I have a problem,a gang keeps picking on me in prison .they are quite big fellas.

Every time i go for a shower they grab the soap out of my hands,drop it.ask me to pick up and then all sausage the shit outta my arse.

So........

How do i know which one really cares for me,or have a future with

[dfdave12]

alrite Dava

I have a problem,a gang keeps picking on me in prison .they are quite big fellas.

Every time i go for a shower they grab the soap out of my hands,drop it.ask me to pick up and then all sausage the shit outta my arse.

So........

How do i know which one really cares for me,or have a future with

[nidgemo]

Dear dava

I am rapidly bleeding to death from a deep femural artery wound. what do you think I sho

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

Hi again,

I have a lady friend coming round later on,as well as  other friend's(having a doo you see).she not aware that i like her and she obviously likes someone else(a friend of mine)

Im just wondering? if i kick fuck out of her will i be called a Cissy

I dont like name calling you see

[adopted_scouser]

Dear Dava

There is a psycho chainsaw murderer in my house.  He is killing all my family, one by one, tearing them to shreds, and I think I'm going to be next.  What would Jesus do?

[Sir Capon of Debaser]

Be next pal...be next

 

C'ya on the other side

[Sarge]

Dear Dava,

My Country has offered to give me one hell of a sending off when i pop me clogs but many people are very pissed off about it. How do i get them on side?

Regards,

Maggie.

[Sarge]

Dear Dava,

I have two brothers, one supports Manchester United, the other was sentenced to life for the murder of a school teacher.

My mother died of the clap when I was three years old, my two sisters are ladies of the night and my father sells drugs to OAP's and schoolchildren.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from jail where she served time for selling crack to nuns.

I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who is a Manchester United Supporter?

Sincerely, Sarge.

[Degs]

Dear Dava,

I have two brothers, one supports Manchester United, the other was sentenced to life for the murder of a school teacher.

My mother died of the clap when I was three years old, my two sisters are ladies of the night and my father sells drugs to OAP's and schoolchildren.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from jail where she served time for selling crack to nuns.

I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who is a Manchester United Supporter?

Sincerely, Sarge.

That's about as old as you that one.

[Sarge]

That's about as old as you that one.

Possibly older Degs.