Author Topic: Shanklyboy's auld arse thread. (Read 1068732 times)

No666 · « **Reply #24160 on:** July 10, 2012, 08:04:42 AM »

Reading Tony Evans's tweets, you may well have been right about FSG binning Kenny primarily for Suarez/pr reasons, Leo.

rednose54 · « **Reply #24161 on:** July 10, 2012, 08:08:43 AM »

Are we gonna get canned laughter, when the opposition miss a sitter, that would be funny , it`ll be like watching good old USA sit coms , We come not to play but laugh, wanna join in?. My Grandaughter wants a prom outfit, whats happening to our identity, its not only LFC thats being Americanised. AARGH

Rafa_La · « **Reply #24162 on:** July 10, 2012, 10:26:53 AM »

Ma got found lying on the floor. Was unconscious.

Got taken to hospital. Usual prodding, poking.

Medical staff commented on her 'dementia'.

Then found out the vain auld bag was not wearing her hearing aids.

85 years vain.

So hearing aids attached the moaning starts.

'What's wrong,Dear' asks one of the nurses.
'I like to eat my breafast at 5o'clock when I wake up but now I am hungry.'
'Never mind Dear. Ask the (overworked night) staff to make you a cup of tea when you wake up.'
'Can I do that? And what would I get for breakfast?'
'Dear, there's a choice of 8 different things for breakfast you can order'
'8 different things? I will order them all'.......

ffs they shoot horses

Johnnowhite · « **Reply #24163 on:** July 10, 2012, 11:19:08 AM »

Aw poor old soul. Sorry Rafa mate.

Hope she keeeps battling lad.

Rafa_La · « **Reply #24164 on:** July 10, 2012, 11:39:08 AM »

Quote from: Johnnowhite on July 10, 2012, 11:19:08 AM

Aw poor old soul. Sorry Rafa mate.

Hope she keeeps battling lad.

HeeHee! Reckon she will do just that.LOL

Nessy76 · « **Reply #24165 on:** July 10, 2012, 04:30:13 PM »

http://www.redandwhitekop.com/forum/index.php?topic=295459.0

Old Scousers needed to tell jokes on TV.

harrytrow · « **Reply #24166 on:** July 10, 2012, 04:56:49 PM »

not really funny this except what I throw in at the end
Used to work looking after visually impaied with learning difficulties.
One of the guy's I cared for was a lad called Steve who was a promising cricketer and played for Yorkshire colts when he was in his teens with Darren Gough.
He fell through his works roof getting a cricket ball on his luncbreak and suffered brain damage and loss of sight.
We used tohave a fuckin good laff. I was activities co-ordinator and used to take him to the Bradford city games.
Because his short term memory was fucked, he would be asking who was plsying what the score was every two minutes, I decided to tape the commentary of the game as well.
I got a tape recorder and would be giving the commentary and he would have an earplug in as well as the noise of the crowd made it difficult for him to hear.
I was giving it a real good go one match " an it's Beagrie flying down the left, he's beaten one man cut inside, gone back outside....2 "
"Harry, Harry"
"Not now Steve he's crossed , it's back post...."
"Harry me earplugs come out"
I shoved it back in and told him to keep his fucking finger on it.
When I liooked round again he looked like Des Lynham in the studio. Head tilted looking down with his finger in his ear.
Everyone was pissing themselves laffin
We took him to Blackpool for a holiday. Me another punk girl carer and him.
He was always goin on about never gettin his end away and decided to find him a massage parlour. He bottled out when we got to the door.
Was gonna tell him to wait outside while I went in but I bottled out as well.
Would have been fun him tied to the railing like a dog outside a butchers.

Well just found out today that he died in Spain last week.
He choked to death and although they got an ambulance to him and they brought him back he choked again and they couldn't revive him.
I saw him loads of times after I left the job. Always poppin in when it was his pub night or takin him out with my mate who also worked there.
I said he had short term memory loss, but I was in my own local the other week miles from his care place, and who walks out the bog with his carer but Steve.
I walked up behind him an just said who fuckin let you in here.
His head went straight back
Harrry Trow Harry Trow harry Trow
Yer fuckin Scouse c*nt yer
Will be at his cremation on Friday.

He also used to come out with the

It's not the cough that kills yer it's the coffin they carry yer off in
Coughed once too often Steve
Gonna miss him

harrytrow · « **Reply #24167 on:** July 10, 2012, 05:05:20 PM »

Just another story of us

He used to tell me he missed driving and that he used to have a mini.

I came up with a great plan.
I was going to drive him over to Ainsdale and let him drive my van along the beach while I guided him and told him whgat speed he was doing.

It was all set up for the Sunday and his mother turns up to visit him on the Saturday.
We used to get on all right so I told her the surprise I had in store for him.
He'll be really surprised when we get there I said.
He fuckin will be surprised as he's never been behind the wheel of a car before, at all, so I hope you two have lots of fun.
Needless to say I cancelled that one

The Gulleysucker · « **Reply #24168 on:** July 10, 2012, 05:12:07 PM »

Quote from: harrytrow on July 10, 2012, 05:05:20 PM

....He fuckin will be surprised as he's never been behind the wheel of a car before, at all, so I hope you two have lots of fun.

kopite.keith · « **Reply #24169 on:** July 10, 2012, 07:22:21 PM »

Lovely stories Harry.

pooley · « **Reply #24170 on:** July 10, 2012, 07:50:02 PM »

Crabsticks! What are they all about? They are not crabs and they are not sticks! Can you still get them or have they been banned for contravening the Geneva Convention? Remember the blokes who used to come round the ale house selling cockles and mussells. They always used to get it. 'Have you got crabs lad?'

geoffstrong · « **Reply #24171 on:** July 10, 2012, 10:11:46 PM »

Quote from: pooley on July 10, 2012, 07:50:02 PM

Crabsticks! What are they all about? They are not crabs and they are not sticks! Can you still get them or have they been banned for contravening the Geneva Convention? Remember the blokes who used to come round the ale house selling cockles and mussells. They always used to get it. 'Have you got crabs lad?'

How about Savoury Ducks then they aint quacking either!

Johnnowhite · « **Reply #24172 on:** July 11, 2012, 06:41:59 AM »

Harry lad - lovely stories there.
That's how people never really die mate - 'cos their memory is kept alive just like that.
Say one for me too on Friday and may Steve rest in peace.

Johnnowhite · « **Reply #24173 on:** July 11, 2012, 12:11:59 PM »

Remembering some silly little things that the children in our family have said over the years and had a chuckle or two.

Back in the mid-50's my sisters and brother were playing an indoor game (because outside it was pissing down) which they said was name that magazine. So I started off (eldest!) and got in with I think it was Woman's Weekly. Mary (eldest girl) announced Woman's Own. Mike was next to go and he chirps up Radio Times which after some argy-bargy he was grudgingly awarded a point. Ann who was then about 5 - she was 60 last weekend - started to search the room for some inspiration. After a minute or so's grace we pushed her for an answer. She perkily then offered "The Mily Star". After the rest of us fell about laughing and when we'd stopped then we shouted her down. She was outraged and pointed to the inspiration / evidence to support her claim. What she pointed to was hanging out from under the cushion on one of the armchairs. It was some of the front page of one of Mam's women's mags alright - but it wasn't called what Ann saw peeping out.

There was a bit torn off the top of the front page which had removed the FA bit from the Family Star !
Come to think of it, not a bad idea given some of the shite they come out with lately!

Leaping forward some 45 years, my 2nd eldest grandson Ciaran who was nearly 6 at the time, was having sums lesson at school and the teacher was asking the class what the next number was in the sequence. Now Ciaran was at the time a bit of a mischievous sod into all sorts which occasionally, after a couple of his mother's " I'll count to three" warnings, got him the usual cuff.

So the teacher said "Now children, what comes after 3?" Ciaran's arm shot up in the air and she chose him to answer.

He beaming confidently announced "Please miss, a slap!"

Rafa_La · « **Reply #24174 on:** July 11, 2012, 02:45:05 PM »

Quote from: Johnnowhite on July 11, 2012, 12:11:59 PM

Remembering some silly little things that the children in our family have said over the years and had a chuckle or two.
Leaping forward some 45 years, my 2nd eldest grandson Ciaran who was nearly 6 at the time, was having sums lesson at school and the teacher was asking the class what the next number was in the sequence. Now Ciaran was at the time a bit of a mischievous sod into all sorts which occasionally, after a couple of his mother's " I'll count to three" warnings, got him the usual cuff.

So the teacher said "Now children, what comes after 3?" Ciaran's arm shot up in the air and she chose him to answer.

He beaming confidently announced "Please miss, a slap!"

Bless!
He's on the way to conversion to play for us. LOL.

Fat Scouser · « **Reply #24175 on:** July 11, 2012, 03:03:26 PM »

Suppose I should tell yers... Me Ma died on Sunday. Of course it was crap, but to be honest, she was ready for her rest and it wasn't unexpected. So, it's still shite, but we're getting on with it. I'm in bulk, though.

Six weeks I've had that sciatica now. It got so bad, they thought I'd had a stroke. All me face caved in and stuck like Charlie Laughton. That was shite, but then me fucking head swelled up to the size of Neil Ruddocks after he'd been on the piss for a fortnight. I'm going for blood tests in a minute. I've had scans, ecg's all sorts of shite. The doctors still don't know what's going on.

Our kid dragged me the alehouse yesterday. I couldn't handle it and was only in there 5 minutes, but thank fuck I went. Some woman, aul one, piss head from Glasgow, took one look at me, described every single syptom I'd had, and told me exactly what I was suffering because she's had it herself... Temporal Arthritis. So, hopefully the doctors can start putting me right now she's clued them in.

Fucking doctors, not worth a carrot and don't give a fuck. Oh well, at least I know what it is and I can start demanding the proper treatment.

The Gulleysucker · « **Reply #24176 on:** July 11, 2012, 03:13:48 PM »

Quote from: Fat Scouser on July 11, 2012, 03:03:26 PM

Leo, really sorry to hear about your Ma. My heartfelt condolences to you.

Johnnowhite · « **Reply #24177 on:** July 11, 2012, 03:15:33 PM »

Sad to hear of her passing Leo lad. But you'll long remember her best times mate - honest.
May she rest in peace.

Hurry up and get that temporal arthur sorted an' all. You've had a bellyfull lately.

bordeauxred · « **Reply #24178 on:** July 11, 2012, 03:16:05 PM »

Condolences to you and your family F.S.

Red Genius · « **Reply #24179 on:** July 11, 2012, 03:23:55 PM »

My condolences Fats - can't imagine how you are feeling now, take care lad.

No666 · « **Reply #24180 on:** July 11, 2012, 04:03:31 PM »

Sad to hear your news, Leo; best of luck with the quacks.

pooley · « **Reply #24181 on:** July 11, 2012, 04:03:47 PM »

I lost my own mam last year mate, know what you are going through. No words can really help mate but it sounds like your mam deserved a rest . Hope you can sort out your health problems now you know what they are,

Davvo7 · « **Reply #24182 on:** July 11, 2012, 04:17:28 PM »

Condolences mate, very sorry to hear that, best wishes to you and yours at this sad time.

Hope the Doctor gets you back on your feet and pain free soon enough.

RedBootsTommySmith · « **Reply #24183 on:** July 11, 2012, 04:35:54 PM »

Best wishes, FS. Look after yourself, mate.

Terry De Niro · « **Reply #24184 on:** July 11, 2012, 04:48:39 PM »

Just popped me head in to say, sorry to hear about yer arl girl Leo.
Take care mate and you know where I am if you need a chat..

vicgill · « **Reply #24185 on:** July 11, 2012, 04:53:17 PM »

So sorry to hear that about your mum mate, I´ll give you a bell over the weekend

Bangin Them In · « **Reply #24186 on:** July 11, 2012, 04:55:37 PM »

Sad to hear this mate

Losing your Mum is really tough, not much use now but time does make a difference, all the best.

Fat Scouser · « **Reply #24187 on:** July 11, 2012, 05:21:16 PM »

Thanks everyone, but you know what... just keep going down memory land and moaning about everything nowadays. I could honestly do with the laughs more than the fuss.

I'll miss me Ma, dead sound woman, but I'm sound with it. I didn't want her to suffer any more. As for meself, everything will be alright. I'll give yers a tip though... if you think you're sick and the doctor says there's fuck all wrong with you, don't wear it.

I mean that. Make them tell you what you have, what you could have, what you might get from it and how they'll treat it. They won't be happy about that, but even if they're sound people, they only get 10 minutes with you. They've got Cameron's cut backs to deal with and quotas to be meet. So, if you reckon there's something wrong with you, make sure they know it. I know too many horror stories to ignore now.

Anyone know any jokes? Nah. I'm off and I might be gone for a bit, but everything's alright. And the bits that aren't will pass.

Lancaster Bomber · « **Reply #24188 on:** July 11, 2012, 05:22:33 PM »

Sorry to hear about your mother leo take care best wishes Bomber.

Dr. Beaker · « **Reply #24189 on:** July 11, 2012, 05:26:31 PM »

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

answer: Wipe his arse.

Fat Scouser · « **Reply #24190 on:** July 11, 2012, 05:29:54 PM »

See what I told you about them Doctors. You'd get more sympathy off Hitler. Right, I'm off. Nice one Doc. Later lads.

cowtownred · « **Reply #24191 on:** July 11, 2012, 05:32:25 PM »

Leo, sorry to hear about your ma, my best wishes mate.

But what you've got most deffo isn't temporal arteritis (thats the right spelling). Its a nasty bugger alright, but its features are severe one-sided headaches, with eyesight problems on that side too. Its important to get it treated cos you can lose the sight of the eye. Its diagnosed with a blood test and gets treated with steroids.

It in no way causes backpain.

Sorry mate.

You better instead impress on your GP that you want to either see a specialist, or else if the GP has the permission to, ask for an MRI scan of your back.

If you need to PM me, please feel free to.

S

bclfc · « **Reply #24192 on:** July 11, 2012, 05:44:12 PM »

Sorry to hear about your loss, FS. Take care. I've had some similar symptoms. Make sure they discuss the "biggies" with you, as you say better safe than sorry. Multiple symptoms can be a load of different possible things.

Oh, and here's a joke:

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

The Gulleysucker · « **Reply #24193 on:** July 11, 2012, 05:56:25 PM »

I went to see a nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I had to stop wanking.

I said "Why?"

She said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

and..

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but you come back as a different creature.

She said “I would like to come back as a cow.”

I said "You’re obviously not listening to me properly.”

Badumtish

kesey · « **Reply #24194 on:** July 11, 2012, 05:57:51 PM »

Sorry about your Mam Leo.

kopite.keith · « **Reply #24195 on:** July 11, 2012, 06:57:31 PM »

Condolences FS. Hope things pick up soon.

SMD · « **Reply #24196 on:** July 11, 2012, 07:01:20 PM »

Hope you're alright, FS.

John C · « **Reply #24197 on:** July 11, 2012, 07:01:58 PM »

Quote from: Fat Scouser on July 11, 2012, 03:03:26 PM

Suppose I should tell yers... Me Ma died on Sunday.

Condolences FS, really sorry to hear that. Best wishes to you & your family.

Maggie May · « **Reply #24198 on:** July 11, 2012, 07:19:07 PM »

Condolences for your loss Fats.

Farmer's in bed. Farmer's wife gets into bed with a duck under her arm.

Wife :"Look at this disgusting pig I've got to sleep with".

Farmer: "You stupid bitch. That's a duck".

Wife: "I'm talking to the duck".

harrytrow · « **Reply #24199 on:** July 11, 2012, 07:21:18 PM »

Sorry to hear that leo la
Stick in there mate