Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny (Read 669509 times)

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #80 on:** May 4, 2016, 01:07:35 pm »

What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?

A porkypine

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #81 on:** May 4, 2016, 01:08:31 pm »

Why do bees hum?

Because they don't know the words.

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #82 on:** May 4, 2016, 01:09:29 pm »

Why do ducks have big, webbed feeet?

- To put out forest fires

Why do elephants have big, wide feet?

- To stamp out flaming ducks

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #83 on:** May 4, 2016, 01:10:48 pm »

Where do cows watch films?

- At the mooovies

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #84 on:** May 4, 2016, 01:12:10 pm »

What colour socks do bears wear?

- They don't wear socks, because they have bear feet

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #85 on:** May 4, 2016, 01:13:11 pm »

What shivers and shakes at the bottom of the ocean?

- A nervous wreck

Zeppelin · « **Reply #86 on:** May 4, 2016, 01:21:53 pm »

1 in 10 people understand binary. The other doesn't.

Titi Camara · « **Reply #87 on:** May 4, 2016, 01:21:59 pm »

Quote from: Titi Camara's Back please on May 4, 2016, 12:51:47 pm

What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit's fingers

alonsoisared · « **Reply #88 on:** May 4, 2016, 01:41:25 pm »

Quote from: jed the red on May 4, 2016, 12:54:34 pm

This white horse walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager, the barman says "we have got a whiskey named after you", the horse says "what, Brian?"

Excellent

Motty · « **Reply #89 on:** May 4, 2016, 01:56:19 pm »

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no cock? No fucking idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no cock and no legs? Still no fucking idea.

Chakan · « **Reply #90 on:** May 4, 2016, 01:59:47 pm »

Quote from: Chakan on May 3, 2016, 07:51:18 pm

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No Eye Deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and no willy? Still no fucking eye deer.

Quote from: Shady Craig on May 4, 2016, 01:56:19 pm

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no cock? No fucking idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no cock and no legs? Still no fucking idea.

Oi get your own jokes

jed the red · « **Reply #91 on:** May 4, 2016, 02:04:11 pm »

This fella walks into a pub with a giraffe, the barman says " ill serve you bit not that" the fella eventually talks him round assuring the barman there will be no trouble and they proceed to get shitfaced.

Closing time comes round and the fella leaves, just as the giraffe falls over in the bar, the barman chases after him and shouts " oi, you can't leave that lying here!"

The bloke replies " it's not a lion it's a giraffe!"

jed the red · « **Reply #92 on:** May 4, 2016, 02:04:50 pm »

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

Woody Boyd · « **Reply #93 on:** May 4, 2016, 02:18:06 pm »

This Houston cop was workin' his beat onthe freeway, when he sees this guy cruisin' along in a convertible with three penguins in the backseat. He pulls the guy over and says,
"Hey man, you can't just cruise around with those penguins! Not on my beat. You take those penguins to the zoo!"
And the guy says,
"Yes sir!" and off he goes.

The very next day the cop sees the same guy with the same penguins cruisin' down the road except this time they're all wearing shades.

This really ticks the cop off and he pulls the guy over and says,
"I thought I told you totake those penguins to the zoo!"
And the guy says,
"Yes sir, I did, and today we're going to the beach!"

Lfsea · « **Reply #94 on:** May 4, 2016, 02:19:27 pm »

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

Ziltoid · « **Reply #95 on:** May 4, 2016, 02:22:23 pm »

Quote from: Chakan on May 4, 2016, 01:59:47 pm

Oi get your own jokes

He has, have you not seen his latest trainer purchase?!

Alf Garnett! · « **Reply #96 on:** May 4, 2016, 02:32:54 pm »

Quote from: Chakan on May 4, 2016, 01:59:47 pm

Oi get your own jokes

Both of you should be lined up & shot at dawn! 😄

CHOPPER · « **Reply #97 on:** May 4, 2016, 02:37:13 pm »

Great news for all insomniacs. Only three more sleeps till Christmas.

Andy @ Allerton! · « **Reply #98 on:** May 4, 2016, 02:43:08 pm »

Quote from: Woody Boyd on May 4, 2016, 02:18:06 pm

This Houston cop was workin' his beat onthe freeway, when he sees this guy cruisin' along in a convertible with three penguins in the backseat. He pulls the guy over and says,
"Hey man, you can't just cruise around with those penguins! Not on my beat. You take those penguins to the zoo!"
And the guy says,
"Yes sir!" and off he goes.

The very next day the cop sees the same guy with the same penguins cruisin' down the road except this time they're all wearing shades.

This really ticks the cop off and he pulls the guy over and says,
"I thought I told you totake those penguins to the zoo!"
And the guy says,
"Yes sir, I did, and today we're going to the beach!"

Alf Garnett! · « **Reply #99 on:** May 4, 2016, 02:43:56 pm »

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

CHOPPER · « **Reply #100 on:** May 4, 2016, 02:44:44 pm »

Me bird come back from hospital today totally distraught after having to switch off her mothers life support machine, she tells me its the hardest thing she's ever had to do.

Obviously she's never tried sneezing while carrying two pints before has she.

Alf Garnett! · « **Reply #101 on:** May 4, 2016, 02:51:15 pm »

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.

Q: How many Everton fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

please, I have my reasons for it but... · « **Reply #102 on:** May 4, 2016, 02:56:08 pm »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niOqJLPRSQ4

Red_Mist · « **Reply #103 on:** May 4, 2016, 03:00:12 pm »

Knock knock

Who's there?

An interrupting cow.

An interrupting c...

Moo

13th man · « **Reply #104 on:** May 4, 2016, 03:14:36 pm »

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

Fitzy. · « **Reply #105 on:** May 4, 2016, 05:03:47 pm »

How can you tell that ET's an Everton fan?

He looks like one.

Motty · « **Reply #106 on:** May 4, 2016, 05:06:47 pm »

Quote from: Chakan on May 4, 2016, 01:59:47 pm

Oi get your own jokes[emoji14]

I looked back to see if anyone had told it already but missed yours somehow?

I told it better though.

Crosby Nick · « **Reply #107 on:** May 4, 2016, 05:31:07 pm »

My dog's got no nose.
- Well how does he smell?
Of badger blood.

Rob17 · « **Reply #108 on:** May 4, 2016, 05:56:26 pm »

A fish swims into a wall.....damn

Chakan · « **Reply #109 on:** May 4, 2016, 06:10:00 pm »

Quote from: Shady Craig on May 4, 2016, 05:06:47 pm

I looked back to see if anyone had told it already but missed yours somehow?

I told it better though.

thekitkatshuffler · « **Reply #110 on:** May 4, 2016, 07:02:02 pm »

Quote from: Rob17 on May 4, 2016, 05:56:26 pm

A fish swims into a wall.....dam

Fixed that for you.

CHOPPER · « **Reply #111 on:** May 4, 2016, 07:03:04 pm »

Tony the mancs wife, has never had an orgasm - she goes the doctors and the doctor suggests she's over heating during sex. She tells Tony and he says he has and idea. So over a pint Tony asks his scouse mate Mick to waft a towel over Tony and his wife during sex.
Mick reluctantly agrees and goes around to Tony's when Tony and his wife are having sex and starts wafting a towel over them. After 25 mins their is still no orgasm, so Mick suggests "let's swap, I'll shag her and you waft the towel" Tony agrees and within seconds Tony's wife is screaming with delight and has her first orgasm ever. Tony turns to his mate Mick slowly, and says "and that my friend, is how you waft a towel"

Motty · « **Reply #112 on:** May 4, 2016, 07:08:43 pm »

Quote from: CHOPPERS on May 4, 2016, 07:03:04 pm

Tony the mancs wife, has never had an orgasm - she goes the doctors and the doctor suggests she's over heating during sex. She tells Tony and he says he has and idea. So over a pint Tony asks his scouse mate Mick to waft a towel over Tony and his wife during sex.
Mick reluctantly agrees and goes around to Tony's when Tony and his wife are having sex and starts wafting a towel over them. After 25 mins their is still no orgasm, so Mick suggests "let's swap, I'll shag her and you waft the towel" Tony agrees and within seconds Tony's wife is screaming with delight and has her first orgasm ever. Tony turns to his mate Mick slowly, and says "and that my friend, is how you waft a towel"

Only Me · « **Reply #113 on:** May 4, 2016, 08:37:58 pm »

Bill and Ben are in the bath together.

Bill farts, and Ben says "its about half eight."

Only Me · « **Reply #114 on:** May 4, 2016, 08:39:02 pm »

A ham butty walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager.

"Sorry mate", says the barman, "we don't serve food in here"

Only Me · « **Reply #115 on:** May 4, 2016, 08:39:37 pm »

Shakespeare walks into an alehouse.

Barman shouts "get out you, you're bard"

Chakan · « **Reply #116 on:** May 4, 2016, 08:42:27 pm »

3 strings are hanging outside the bar, the one string goes in to get a drink.

String 1 "I'll have a pint please"
Barman "We don't serve strings in here, get out"

String 1 leaves.

String 2 tries to get a drink.
String 2 "I'll have a pint please"
Barman "We don't serve strings in here get out!"

String 3 sees this happening and bends himself over and twists himself around and puffs out his ends and goes to get a drink.

String 3 "I'll have a pint please"
Barman "Are you a string? Cause we don't serve strings in here!"
String "I'm afraid not mate"

Only Me · « **Reply #117 on:** May 4, 2016, 08:55:52 pm »

Doctor doctor, I've managed to get a cricket ball stuck up me arse.

A cricket ball up your arse, how's that?

Oh alright, don't you fuckin start as well....

Alan_X · « **Reply #118 on:** May 4, 2016, 09:21:00 pm »

Lord Bufton was desperate for a drink so he called to Weeble his butler: "What about a whisky, Weeble?"

Seconds later Weeble appears with a whisky on a silver tray.

Later in the evening he fancied a cigar: "What about a cigar Weeble?" he called. Again, seconds later Weeble appeared with a cigar on a silver tray.

"What about a bath Weeble?" called Lord Bufton as the nioght drew on. "Of course M'Lord" said Weeble and went off to run the bath.

Sitting in the bath with his whisky and smoking his cigar, Lord Bufton let off the most enormous fart.

Moments later, Weeble appeared at the bathroom door with a hot water bottle on a silver tray.

"What on earth is that for Weeble?"

"I'm sorry My Lord, I'm sure I heard you say 'what about a water bottle Weeble?'..."

Fiasco · « **Reply #119 on:** May 4, 2016, 09:22:11 pm »

What would you rather bee or a wasp?