January
Liverpool start the New Year with a closely contested victory over Chelsea at Anfield. Sitting in the stands is Liverpool target Morientes who attracts a great deal of publicity. Thinking that the cameras are actually pointing at him, Jose Mourinho begins a long monologue about how all his players are better than Liverpool's, and that he is the best manager the world has ever seen. He soon sits back down in the dugout when he realizes that actually nobody is listening. When returning to the changing room he finds that Rashid has stolen his underwear. Boumsong joins Newcastle stating his reasons for picking the club are that he wants to be playing in Europe next season and that Newcastle have a great chance of being that club
February
Victories in January over two of the main title contenders and progression in both cup competitions have the press pestering Rafa Benitez for sound bites. They are slightly befuddled however by the quote attributed to him that “The new sideboard seems to be fitting in very well alongside the other mahogany items. But let's not get too excited because one orange does not make you sleep for a month”. Babelfish announce that they should have a new upgrade later in the year that will be able to cope with this sort of thing. Meanwhile Rafa’s first trophy with the Reds is secured with an injury time winner over the Mancs in Cardiff. The Rooney 30 yard own goal goes down in history as one of the biggest fuck ups of all time.
March
Interviews with Didier Drogba early in the month quote him as saying that he is pleased to have come to England as he wants to win trophies and play in the Champions League. By the end of the month however Liverpool are the only English club left in the competition. Graeme Souness continues to assert that Newcastle’s current blip of form is temporary and that he is still delighted to be at a club he has wanted to manage for a long time. Meanwhile extradition proceedings are completed against Abrahamovic who is ignominiously bundled onto a plane bound for Moscow leaving several people at Chelsea looking around at each other and saying “er…what do we do now”.
Rafa announces that the League Cup trophy looks quite resplendent on the board room mantlepiece and is hoping to add a couple of corner units for later in the season just in case.
April
With Chelsea’s Chairman’s assets frozen, many top players at the club express disquiet over the fact that their wages have not been paid for 2 weeks. Lampard is quoted in the press saying that he is dreaming of a move to Liverpool. Martin Samuel and Brian Woolnough agree on Jimmy Hill's Sunday Supplement that it's the stage he deserves. Benitez replies in the paper by stating that at Anfield we have enough pouffes already.
Arsenal take over at the top of the table as Chelsea’s form dips. Manchester United and Liverpool are neck and neck for the third place spot as David Moyes is quoted as saying that their recent down turn in form is to be expected and that he still feels a UEFA place is possible. Liverpool dip out of the Champions League with a controversial semi-final tie against Inter Milan in which several refereeing decisions go the Italians’ way. Many Liverpool faithful refuse to be alarmed by this stating “We’ve seen this happen before - we know what happens next and we’re not worried”.
May
Arsenal are crowned champions. Despite board room wrangles and financial problems Chelsea finish in second however, with assets frozen, several of their top stars begin to look elsewhere in Europe for next season’s football. Fleet Street journalists undergo treatment for severe depression at the thought of their darling circus being dismantled.
Behind the scenes a “sale of the century” clearout of their players is underway reminiscent of Leeds United to get the club out of financial problems. Didier Drogba announces that he will be moving to Manchester United to secure Champions League football next season. United finish fourth behind Liverpool. Ferguson complains to the FA that the season isn’t long enough and that his team should be given another 2 months at least in order to accrue more points.
Barcelona win the European Cup having managed to out-bribe the referee. Graeme Souness is sacked following Newcastle’s 10th place finish. Boumsong puts in a transfer request. Middlesborough make an offer which he accepts stating his need to play in Europe as the prime reason. Everton release a review of the season entitled “The Year We Nearly Made Europe”.
June
Graeme Souness is appointed manager of relegated West Bromwich Albion stating that it is a club he has always had a fondness for and has wanted to manage for many years. Meanwhile Steven Gerrard signs a new contract that will tie him to Liverpool for 5 more years. Rafa Benitez is quoted as saying that it is always good to invest in a good quality dining table and that he intends to make sure it is surrounded my matching chairs. Michael Owen states that he is going on loan to Barcelona next season and Jose Mourinho leaves Chelsea to manage Celtic as Martin O’Neill moves to Old Trafford. Chelsea appoint Alan Curbishley to complete the managerial merry-go-round.
July
Liverpool’s pre-season tour to China is cancelled at the last minute when a consortium of dodgy American businessmen offer to put big bucks into the club if they tour the USA instead. Igor leaves for Southampton. A plaque in memory of him is installed in Kop block 202.
August
Arsene Wenger is puzzled by Arsenal’s defeat by last year's surprise cup winners Bolton Wanderers. He denies having seen the incident in which Vieira planted a right hook on fellow Senegalese national El Hadji Diouf but says that he did see the spitting incident that led up to it.
The fixture computer sees Liverpool begin their season away at Stamford Bridge. Despite a valiant effort by new Chelsea signing Frannie Jeffers to gain a penalty, Liverpool win 3-2 following an own goal by the other new Chelsea signing Titus Bramble.
Graeme Souness’ first game in charge of WBA goes badly when they are thumped 5-0 at home by newly promoted Tranmere Rovers. Manchester United fail to qualify for this season's Champions League having been beaten in their qualifying game by Grasshoppers Zurich. New manager O’Neill begs supporters to be patient with his new look team. Neil Lennon says in an interview that he is so pleased to be playing at Old Trafford. Didier Drogba puts in a transfer request. Meanwhile Middlesborough start their UEFA cup campaign badly with defeat to Banants Yerevan. Nobody is talking to Boumsong any more.
September
Liverpool find themselves in top spot in the Premier League in September. Michael Owen is quoted as saying that the bench at Barcelona is not as comfortable as the one at the Bernabéu but he is enjoying watching Erik Meijer's displays for the Catalonians. David Moyes is sacked and Everton begin negotiations with Premiership newcomers Wigan over a possible groundshare. Wayne Rooney is photographed by the tabloids at a liposuction clinic in Manchester.
October
Liverpool sail through their CL group with good results away at Auxerre, Moscow and Ljubljana. Several RAWKites say it is the worst month their livers have ever seen. Frank Lampard states that he is not happy at Tottenham and wants to move to Portsmouth to work under Harry Redknapp who has just been reappointed as manager. Southampton consider Glenn Hoddle as a replacement. Jonathan Woodgate makes his debut for Real Madrid. They lose 4-1 to Valencia.
November
Fireworks are in the air at the Merseyside derby at Goodison which is won 6-1. Kopites try and add a “Morientes scored 5” verse to the end of Poor Scouser Tommy but it fails to catch on. Liverbird Upon My Chest however is up to about 30 verses by now and the travelling Kop can whistle Johnny Cash's full back catalogue. Liverpool announce a new sponsorship deal with MFI. Alou Diarra returns from loan to Anfield and nobody knows who he is. Suspicion is finally alleviated when Anthony Le Tallec recognizes him after two weeks of Diarra hanging around the Melwood canteen.
December
The Liverpool FC Christmas party is hailed as a great success until Xabi Alonso makes a pass at Harry Kewell’s missus - from 40 yards away. Ball boy Salif Diao complains about being cast as the donkey in the nativity play while the rest of the squad just snigger and point. Florent Sinama Pongolle replaces Igor as cult Kop hero who have now taken to doing that dance thingy that he does after every goal whenever he has the ball. Rafa states that he is pleased that the little ornamental clock is ticking in time but that to see a seagull one must first go to the beach. Babelfish announce that there will be a new version out in Spring 2006.
© Roddysul 2004
