Facebook is a wonderful tool. However, sometimes you meet many types of people on it. This thread is about those types. Yes you can block them from your news feed but is that fun?
The constant update
Despite twitter, some people feel the need to update their statuses every other minute to let us know what pointless bit of minutiae they are doing at that moment. sometimes they even link facebook with twitter so we see all their goings on. Without exception every single one of their statuses are boring. 'Ate a FAB lol' is not an exciting occasion worthy of letting all your 1400 friends know that.
The Baby
Babies are wonderful things. They have their whole lives ahead of them and they're cute. And it's true that they take over a parent's life, and in this case, unfortunately, their facebook. Firstly the mum-to-be informs all her friends of her bump, her morning sickness, how she's growing etc. Then come the profile pictures of the ultrasound, then the newborn. One photo album of adorable baby schnuzzy wuzzums is fine. However it never ends there with this mum. Teething, vomiting, night sickness, possible illnesses ranging from the common cold to dengue fever, are all shown at constant intervals. Eventually the mother doesn't have pictures of herself anymore, just her kid. And there is always 'I've bred. I'm superior to you'. Changing nappies does not entitle you to any superior observations about the universe with your 'intuitive mother's knowledge' if your intelligence is slightly lower than that of a ham sandwich.
The Raver
Who doesn't like going out? It's fun and gets rid of those pesky notes in your wallet and gives your stomach new challenges firstly in the ranges of alcohol then a late night curry/kebab. Indeed for the raver, going out IS his life. It starts usually on a Tuesday when we here what particular late night establishment he will be 'HITTING HARD'. This is followed by some SICK BEATZZ which normally sound like a hair dryer in a washing machine. Come Friday night, which the Raver tells us as well like he's some sort of day speaking clock, we are treated to pictures of the alcohol that he is going to consume, and geographical locations of the various drinking establishments. A sub-species of this is the facebook promoter who constantly invites you to events, asking you to say their name at the door like they are some sort of amazing celebrity. These invitations are ceaseless and unwaning.
The Political person
Do you like knowing the intricate details of welfare policy in Sao Tome and Principe? Well, regardless of whether you do soon you will, thanks to political junkies. Every newspaper article, blog post, reddit joke is posted on their wall urging you to VOTE ___ (unless of course that article disagrees with any aspect of their POV). People unwary enough to engage in debate with these people are subjected to a barrage of pre-planned posts, which either heckle, side-step or misinform the poor person, either creating a slanging match or the poor person withdraws. Come General Election time all the stops are pulled out, party emblems dot the person's page, and everyone realises suddenly they have washing to do.
The Photo Lover
We all have pictures of ourselves on Facebook. But for the Photo Lover, it is some sort of contest, trying to get as many up as possible. These vary. There are Nightss outttttt (sic) with 150 pictures of people pre-drinking in flats and then posing in Topshop dresses (because it is normally girls, though boys are known as well), photos that have been checked obsessively and touched up in Photoshop then 5 pictures of them actually out drinking, all too blurry to see everything. Then there is Summerrrrrr (sic) in which the person fancies seeing themselves as an artist. There are pictures of a sunset, a countryside where everything is black and white apart from one particular object, and as much general artiness as is possible on a free webcam. Then there are us pictures of the person and their partner in various sickening positions (more later). Finally there are pictures of the person themselves, constantly put up, as this person cannot go more than 15 seconds without some reaffirmation of their beauty
The Couple
For the couple, everyone must know they are in a relationship. Apart from the obligatory facebook relationship, which is more important than the actual relationship, there are pictures of the couple together that run into the thousands. Status updates constantly refer to how amazing their partner is, what they've been cooked, where they're going, what holidays have been booked, and generally how much better their life is than your's. Any contact with these people is a game in which you guess how long before you think 'when are they going to mention they have a boyfriend'. Worst of all are the sickening posts they leave on each other's wall, replete with hearts and 'x's. Yuck. If you do this and you are over 16, please re-evaluate your life.
The Moaner
Facebook is a place to express emotions and the Moaner takes full advantage. "my life is rubbish", "hate my parents", "god so annoyed today" are usual passive-aggressive or plain aggressive updates designed to get the most attention possible. The moaner is an avid liker of pages like 'you don't deserve me', and quotations by marilyn Monroe. They can be either boy or girl and should be avoided like dysentry.
The Parent
Last but not least we have the parent. If you have your parent on facebook, or, have them as a friend, you know what a minefield it is. If you add them, do you alter your profile so that they don't see that picture of you strawpedoing a VK? Or do you take the risk. Parents on FB take two forms. Either they are a categorically useless with all aspects of it, posting on it as often as Terence Malick makes movies. Or they add all the useless games, Farmville, Mafia Wars etc and bug you with pointless continuous updates. OR, the final and most deadly options, they try to chime in with your friend's adding posts, which scatter your friends like a lion amongst wilderbeest. Such posts are usually horrifically awkward.
Anyone got any others?
