Topic: NewsThump! Private Eye and the like..

[Buck Pete]

Saw this the other day. SO true to life

BRITONS are delivering Christmas cards with maximum stealth to avoid interacting with relatives and neighbours.

Many people have developed commando-style tactics to put cards through the letterboxes of people they supposedly like without being forced to talk to them.

Accountant Tom Logan said: “You creep down the drive, slide the card through the letterbox as quietly as possible, then run like fuck.

“If a neighbour or relative sees you from the lounge window it’s game over. You’re looking at a glass of sherry and a tedious conversation about their daughter going to university.

“Darkness and surprise are your friends. I only deliver cards at night wearing dark clothes and soft-soled shoes.

“If it’s people I really want to avoid, like my in-laws, I make a friend take me in the car. Once the card’s away I jump back in shouting ‘GO GO GO!’”

Donna Sheridan said: “I was delivering a card to Bob and Sandra across the road but got careless and triggered a security light. Suddenly they were at the front door inviting me in.

“They got me in the lounge and gave me a real working over – home-brew wine and their holiday snaps from Malta. I escaped 50 minutes later but I still get flashbacks.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/uk-carrying-out-hit-and-run-card-deliveries-20161212118824

[Red Beret]

Joe Anderson announces Liverpool is to be demolished in its entirety to build student flats

Liverpool City Council leader Joe Anderson has today announced that Liverpool and the surrounding areas are to be completely demolished.

Speaking at a press conference at the Town Hall , Anderson announced ambitious new plans to totally raze every single building that lies in an L postcode so that developers can build student accommodation.

“We looked at the success we’ve had in replacing the much loved nightlife hub of Wolsteholme square with yet more unnecessary student flats and thought: why not replicate this across the whole city?” enthused Anderson.

Under the program, Liverpool city centre and all the surrounding suburbs will be destroyed with a giant bulldozer so work can immediately begin on replacing famous landmarks such as St George’s Hall and the Liver building with identikit student flats. The council hope to completely replace every single building of any historical interest or cultural value by 2020.

Anderson, who recently changed his title from Mayor of Liverpool to ‘Supreme Overlord of All Merseyside’, was quick to allay resident’s fears over the controversial scheme. “At the end of the day, we want to move away from a position where the council have to preserve any of the things that make the city interesting and unique and towards a position where we can totally ignore residents and indiscriminately chuck up as many unwanted student flats as humanly possible.”

While Anderson refused to comment on the rumours that Southport would be annexed and converted into a giant laundry, he did confirm that each block of flats will be equipped with at least one new Nabzy’s.

http://thenewsaroundyourneck.co.uk/2016/06/09/joe-anderson-announces-liverpool-is-to-be-demolished-in-its-entirety-to-build-student-flats/

[Party Phil]

Rogue One release sees Peter Cushing declared fit for work by DWP

Legendary screen actor Peter Cushing who starred as Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope was today informed that he has been declared fit for work by the Department of Works and Pensions, despite dying in 1994.

A Statement from the DWP explained that “Peter Cushing is a fine example to all Britons out there with a long and distinguished work history, however after 20 years not working and apparently being dead we were delighted to see him well enough to appears in Rogue One – A star wars story.

“We’re not sure how or why this happened, but that does not concern us – what’s important is that he’s out there earning a crust at 103 years of age, so we had no choice but to declare him fit for work.”

When pushed by journalists as to how this can happen a DWP spokesman simply replied, “I dunno, space wizards maybe?”

Fans all over the world have reacted with excitement that Peter may be working to bring back some of his most-beloved characters from his long career, including Doctor Van Helsing in Horror of Dracula and Sherlock Holmes in Hound of the Baskervilles.

Meanwhile, Doctor Who fans have also asked for his return as the Doctor with one fan quoted as saying “well he looks younger than Peter Capaldi, so that’s a good start”.

The DWP are also looking into the Star Wars character Darth Vader for pension fraud, with six actors claiming to have played the part despite him only ever having one voice.

http://newsthump.com/2016/12/22/rogue-one-release-sees-peter-cushing-declared-fit-for-work-by-dwp/

[Red Beret]

Rogue One related newsthump article

Spoiler

Rogue One release sees Peter Cushing declared fit for work by DWP

Legendary screen actor Peter Cushing who starred as Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope was today informed that he has been declared fit for work by the Department of Works and Pensions, despite dying in 1994.

A Statement from the DWP explained that “Peter Cushing is a fine example to all Britons out there with a long and distinguished work history, however after 20 years not working and apparently being dead we were delighted to see him well enough to appears in Rogue One – A star wars story.

“We’re not sure how or why this happened, but that does not concern us – what’s important is that he’s out there earning a crust at 103 years of age, so we had no choice but to declare him fit for work.”

When pushed by journalists as to how this can happen a DWP spokesman simply replied, “I dunno, space wizards maybe?”

Fans all over the world have reacted with excitement that Peter may be working to bring back some of his most-beloved characters from his long career, including Doctor Van Helsing in Horror of Dracula and Sherlock Holmes in Hound of the Baskervilles.

Meanwhile, Doctor Who fans have also asked for his return as the Doctor with one fan quoted as saying “well he looks younger than Peter Capaldi, so that’s a good start”.

The DWP are also looking into the Star Wars character Darth Vader for pension fraud, with six actors claiming to have played the part despite him only ever having one voice.

http://newsthump.com/2016/12/22/rogue-one-release-sees-peter-cushing-declared-fit-for-work-by-dwp/

[close]

SPOILER THAT SHIT!! 

[Red Beret]

Childproof lock added to White House nuclear launch button



The Pentagon is confident is has averted Armageddon after fitting a childproof lock to the nuclear launch button in the Oval Office.

International concerns have been heightened in recent days following comments made on social media by the incoming President, and senior members of the US military confirmed they’ve moved to reduce tensions by fitting a cap to the red button which requires two arrows to be lined up and squeezed before it will come off.

The move has already been hailed as the greatest contribution to world peace since the SALT II arms reduction treaty in 1979.

An extra layer of security has been added by making the nuclear launch code the same as the President-elect’s tax code, which he has thus far proven incapable of remembering.

“We considered putting a really big lock on the button because he wouldn’t be able to use his tiny, tiny hands on it”, said four-star general Simon Williams.

“But he might stop tweeting long enough to use both hands, so we needed something that added an extra layer of redundancy to the security.

“Countries around the world will be pleased to learn that it will be slightly more difficult for the President to initiate the apocalypse than it is for him to open a jar of aspirin – so panic over guys.”

Critics have suggested Trump might demand a more immediate red button to hammer in frustration, but Pentagon sources say they’ve already planned for that by giving him a Simon Says machine.

http://newsthump.com/2016/12/23/childproof-lock-added-to-white-house-nuclear-launch-button/

[Red Beret]

I took a big pay cut to follow my dream, says patronising wanker

A FORMER banker who is now a baker cannot help mentioning how much money he used to earn.

29-year-old Tom Booker quite his ‘soulless but incredibly well-paid’ job as a corporate banking executive to start a less lucrative, but still annoying, artisan cake shop called Booker The Baker.

Booker, who thinks he’s some pretty hot shit, said: “I was pulling in a six-figure salary but I just wasn’t happy.

“My life was all about work, and although I was highly successful due to being gifted at everything, I felt I needed a more meaningful way of life.”

The conceited fucker has since moved to Totnes and started an expensive bakery, which he can do because he’s financially sorted from his years of ruining the world.

He added: “Money isn’t important to me. Although as I may have mentioned, I did used to make a lot of it. An awful lot.”

Bakery assistant Nikki Hollis said: “I love it when Tom talks about ditching his corporate career like some sort of latter-day Jesus, because he still makes quite a lot and pays me the minimum wage.

“Also he doesn’t let me take any out-of-date buns home because it might affect ‘his brand’, the fucking prick.”



http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/business/i-took-a-big-pay-cut-to-follow-my-dream-says-patronising-wanker-20160803111779

[The Gulleysucker]

Frottage to sing 'Happy Birthday, Mr President' at Trump inauguration
05-01-17



Nigel Frottage will wear a white dress and heels to serenade Donald Trump at his presidential inauguration, it has been confirmed.

With many high-profile performers rejecting offers to perform, the former UKIP leader has promised a ‘sultry’ and ‘husky’ rendition of Happy Birthday.

Frottage said: “I’m going to strike just the right balance between mainstream family entertainment and outright eroticism.

“As well as being sensual, I am delicate and vulnerable, like a bird in a gilded cage, and I want to bring that across.

“bad bootle meff might do a bit on his banjo too, if there’s time.”

Frottage believes that a successful performance could lead to some sort of courtesan role that involves feeding Trump grapes with wearing a leather uniform.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/Frottage-to-sing-happy-birthday-mr-president-at-trump-inauguration-20170105119729

[Red Beret]

I love how "Bad Bootle Meff" has caught on. 

[The Gulleysucker]

Wish it had/did but unfortunately it was just the Rawk autocorrect intervening.

[Red Beret]

Wish it had/did but unfortunately it was just the Rawk autocorrect intervening.

Yeah, I just realised.  Still perfect though. 

[Redman0151]

Five star movement have ditched UKIP, expected to cost UKIP £1.3 million per year

[The Gulleysucker]

Man who can't stop talking shite clearly ideal for important negotiations
19-01-17



Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson’s incessant flow of unfunny xenophobic remarks is perfect for Brexit negotiations, it has been claimed.

The government is sure Johnson will not only entertain everyone during long meetings, but also help secure a good deal by reminding foreigners the British are superior.

Brexit minister David Davis said: “Boris livens up meetings by saying hilarious yet tactful stuff like ‘No need for Gestapo tactics, Angela!’

“Cowardly Italians, sexy Scandinavians, oversexed Frenchmen – the zingers just keep coming. Also he really knows his history so he can effortlessly throw in a joke about Agincourt or Waterloo.

“Once he ran around for 12 minutes pretending to be a Lancaster bomber attacking Dresden.

“The war jokes will remind them Britain always wins so they may as well give in. There’s no way they’ll just get pissed off and stick massive tariffs on everything.”

Johnson said: “I’m looking forward to hammering out a deal with the EU with lots of jibes about ‘collaborating’ and ‘blitzing it’, plus some other remarks about things like ‘soggy biscuit’ that only make sense if you attended a British public school.

“It definitely doesn’t make me look like some insufferable sixth-form twat who thinks he’s being desperately edgy.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/man-who-cant-stop-talking-shite-clearly-ideal-for-important-negotiations-20170119120484

[Party Phil]

Shit-flinging gibbon to be crowned emperor



A SCREECHING, orange, shit-flinging gibbon will be crowned ruler of the free world later today.

The ape, incapable of reasoned thought and prone to viciously attack humans, will be sworn in as US president on a Bible it could never read and will immediately attempt to eat.

Once President, the gibbon will urinate on Chief Justice Roberts, attack a female bystander and then defecate in its hands and throw it at the crowd while shrieking incoherently.

Susan Traherne, who came all the way from Nevada to see the ape, said: “At his rallies he leaps into the crowd and sexually assaults women, and boy if he does that today, wow. I hope he picks me.”

After the foaming-at-the-mouth gibbon is dragged off stage by its handlers, it will be shown into the White House and given the nuclear codes.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/shit-flinging-gibbon-to-become-emperor-20170120120566

[Red Beret]

TOTAL bastards have responded to the refugee crisis with a sudden interest in looking after their neighbours.

54-year-old Mary Fisher, who has never done anything except antagonise those around her, wants to prioritise the local poor people that she described last week as ‘useless bonk-eyed fuckers’.

She said: “It’s all very well with these migrants, but first we’ve got to help the little kiddies at home who are going to bed with empty stomachs.

“I have no personal interest in doing that, but in theory that is what we should do.”

Retired bus driver and bastard Norman Steele has also discovered a sudden interest in local charity.

He said: “There are unemployed families on my road that are really hungry, I know this because I shoot at them with an air gun when they come near my vegetable patch.

“These refugees may be fellow members of the human race but that is not enough reason to help them. What matters is not a person’s level of desperation but their geographical proximity to your sofa.”

Steele added: “I have previously helped others, admittedly it was by keeping a look out while they robbed a garden centre but the point is I gave up my time for just a few bags of peat.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/we-need-to-look-after-our-own-first-say-people-who-would-never-help-anyone-20150907101741

[Red Beret]

THE QUEEN has confirmed that if President Trump makes a state visit, she can kill him with a sword and nobody can touch her.

Palace staff have assured the Queen that, according to English law, Trump is a subject of the Crown and can, if judged to be damaging the monarchy, be dispatched without repercussion.

She said: “I haven’t made up my mind yet. I might.

“It’s been an awful lot of years hefting the old sword without using it, and who better to christen it on? Just imagine the look on his satsuma face.

“And the colonies would be so grateful they’d have me straight back as their reigning monarch, which solves this Brexit thing literally at a stroke.

“I should do one useful thing before I abdicate, really. And imagine how furious it’d make the May woman.”

Her Majesty added: “I genuinely can’t think of a reason not to. Anyone?”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/legally-i-can-kill-him-queen-confirms-20170131121313

[TheShanklyGates]

‘War against Spain was implied’ insists Vote Leave campaign

As many are concerned and surprised that within less than a week of Article 50 notification war with Spain is suddenly being discussed as a possibility, the Vote Leave campaign has sought to dismiss concerns.

“Look, I don’t really see what all the fuss is about,” a Vote Leave representative said earlier today.

“If you read between the lines of ‘Vote Leave, Take Control’, what is really being said is ‘We should enter a war with a neighbouring nation we have little to no chance of winning’.

“If you looked on the other side of the bus it was all written on there. The font was a bit small and we had to summarise some of the main points but you know, the message was there. Anglo-Spaniard war of 2019. This time it’s personal.

“We were a bit confused why no photographers took any pictures of the other side of the bus, but we assumed they knew what they were doing.”

Grassroots Out, the campaign to leave the EU from Nigel Frottage and George Galloway, were similarly enthusiastic.

GO member Kate Hoey explained, “Oh yes. Spain is only the first. I’ve always thought the Eiffel Tower would look good with the Union Flag on top – haven’t you?”

Jacob Rees-Mogg was seen skipping through Parliament as all this talk of war with Spain reminded him of his childhood in the 1700s.

When asked about the possible impending war at a press conference, Prime Minister Theresa May simply said, “Red, White and Blue Brexit” then stood smiling in silence until everyone left the room.

We reached out to Jeremy Corbyn for comment. A representative of the Leader of the Opposition texted “New phone, who dis” to all major media outlets.

http://newsthump.com/2017/04/03/war-against-spain-was-implied-insists-vote-leave-campaign/

[Red Beret]

Six-year-old taken on term-time holiday will never catch up on colouring

A SIX-YEAR-OLD girl taken on holiday during the school term will be a week behind in colouring for the rest of her life, teachers have confirmed.

Eleanor Shaw, who was taken out of school for a week in Malta, has permanently fallen behind her classmates in colouring, hula-hooping and imagining what job a meerkat could have.

Teacher Joanna Kramer said: “It’s tragic to see such a bright girl have her academic career ruined forever.

“Sadly this isn’t the first time. I’ve seen pupils struggle for years to recover from a two-week break in Florida, aged 18 still unable to keep their colouring within the lines while their classmates do so effortlessly.

“Their shame, and the bullying they receive, means they inevitably give up on education and take low-waged jobs in the chicken debeaking industry or turn to petty crime.

“It breaks my heart. And we were going to watch Minions this afternoon while I tidied up the craft corner.

“If only these parents would recognise how vital school is.”

Shaw said: “I came back, and found I’d missed smelly Rowan falling over in the playground while everyone called him a poo-bum.

“My life is basically over.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/six-year-old-taken-on-term-time-holiday-will-never-catch-up-on-colouring-20160515108831

[zero zero]

 Andrew R‏ @ExcelPope  5m5 minutes ago

 "Dear people we told to fuck off and join the Tories…turns out we need you to fuck back to Labour again, ta."
-Corbynites.

[Rhi]

Please don’t look at my voting record on gay rights, pleads vicar’s daughter

Prime Minister Theresa May is thankful to everyone for focussing on Tim Farron’s attitude to homosexuals, and not her voting record on gay rights.

After Lib Dem leader Farron confirmed that he doesn’t think gay sex is a sin, and pointed to a voting record in support of gay rights going back to his earliest time in parliament, the prime minister urged everyone not to look at her record.

“As the daughter of a vicar, my attitude to the gays is perfectly normal for someone of my age and background thank you very much,” she confirmed.

“Nobody needs to go looking into my voting record on issues around gay rights to determine whether I am a friend of the gays – that would be a waste of everyone’s time.

“Much better that everyone continues pretending that Tim Farron thinks all gays will burn in hell, than discuss the fact that I continued to vote against much of the gay rights legislation of the last twenty years.”

Voter Simon Williams said, “Yes, I know Tim Farron has consistently voted in support of gay rights his entire political career, but he follows a strange old book that says gays are sinful, so that’s the really important thing to focus on.

“And no, I don’t see it as a problem that the prime minister follows the same book and is refusing to be drawn on the subject, despite being a vicar’s daughter.

“I’m sure that in private she’s very supportive of gay rights, she probably just repeatedly voted against improving them because she didn’t understand the question.”

http://newsthump.com/2017/04/26/please-dont-look-at-my-voting-record-on-gay-rights-pleads-vicars-daughter/?utm_campaign=shareaholic&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=socialnetwork

[The Gulleysucker]

Couple of good ones from the Mash...

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/eu-strangely-not-begging-britain-for-mercy-20170503127016

EU strangely not begging Britain for mercy



EUROPEAN leaders do not seem to realise the EU will collapse when Britain leaves, puzzled Britons have observed.

Many feel the EU is being oddly uncooperative over Brexit when it should be grovelling before the UK’s all-powerful service economy and WW2-winning armed forces.

Shopkeeper Emma Bradford said: “Without Britain they’re just a bunch of funny little countries who make novelty cheese and never really achieved very much.

“When we leave they’re up shit creek because there’s no way the 27 of them can survive on their own. Talk about living in a delusional fantasy world.

“They should be doing everything they can to keep us sweet, like sending us free supplies of their few good products like BMWs and Black Forest gateau, but oddly they’re not. I wonder why?”

Accountant Norman Steele said: “We’ll boycott European goods. Who needs croissants when you can cut slices of Mother’s Pride into crescent shapes and have them with Shippam’s meat paste instead of pate?

“I hope the Nazis take over Europe again so they remember how much they need Britain. I can’t actually tell whether I’m joking or not with this shit anymore.”

and...

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/we-dont-give-a-shit-who-wins-your-pathetic-bunfight-responds-eu-20170504127024

We don’t give a shit who wins your pathetic bunfight, responds EU



THE European Union has strongly denied Theresa May’s claim that the UK’s election is important enough for it to give half a shit about.

EU leaders categorically rebuffed May’s accusations that they had interfered in the British election, saying they preferred to pretend our pitiful playground squabble was not even happening.

European Council president Donald Tusk said: “Honestly, it’s an insult that she thinks I would even care.

“As if it matters who we’re negotiating with. As if it matters to us if it’s her, Corbyn, that Lib Dem non-entity or Clement Atlee risen from the grave.

“It’s not personal, Theresa. You seem astonishingly clueless and easy to take advantage of, true, but that is all of Britain at the moment.

“Interfere? Would a man pick sides in an argument with ants? Idiot ants, arguing about which of them gets to fuck up the anthill? Or would he ready his magnifying glass either way?” 

He added: “Though we would miss your Boris. He knows, in his eyes, exactly how badly he has fucked up and that’s hilarious.”

[zero zero]

[Elmo!]

Labour wins huge majority in local elections after Diane Abbott counts the votes

Labour is expected to gain more than eighty million seats after Diane Abbott was asked to count the votes this morning.

Speaking in that breathy, slightly creepy way she has, Abbott declared a huge landslide for Labour across the country – with the Conservatives and SNP facing ‘complete wipeout’ based on her figures.

“Thanks to Diane’s remarkable command of mathematics, Labour have swept to victory with well over 100% of the vote nationwide,” we were told.

“We believe that the birds of the air and the fishes of the seas came forth to cast their vote for him; it’s the only way her maths can be correct.

“She says now we’ve seized the country she’ll be working up her calculations on how we can turn the observable universe into nurses and policemen for 40p each.”

When told that Labour had actually lost, Diane said she wasn’t one hundred and eleventy billion percent certain of the actual numbers but she was confident events would prove her right.

http://newsthump.com/2017/05/05/labour-wins-huge-majority-in-local-elections-after-diane-abbott-counts-the-votes/

[The Gulleysucker]

Magic Money Tree false but Enchanted Brexit Fountain real
02-06-17



THERE is no such thing as a Magic Money Tree, believers in the Enchanted Brexit Fountain of Prosperity have told Jeremy Corbyn.

The Labour leader’s fantasy of a tree with banknote leaves is childish nonsense and must be rejected in favour of a red, white and blue fountain whose inexhaustible waters imbue greatness, say voters.

Roy Hobbs of Hythe said: “Pluck off the low-hanging £50s, leave the tenners to ripen, all our public services are paid for. It’d be lovely to believe it but, Jeremy, I’m too old for fairy stories.

“We’ve got to be practical. And in two years, when we drink deep of the blessed waters that run from the golden lion’s mouth, waters that will revive our industries and turn the world map pink again, we’ll be glad we did the sensible thing.

“Sprinkle a few drops here and whoosh, British Leyland’s cars are the envy of the globe. A draught there and Carry On is beating Marvel at the global box office.

“Come on, lad. Now’s not the time for dreamers. Come and join the rest of us in the real world.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/magic-money-tree-false-but-enchanted-brexit-fountain-real-20170602128690

[Red Beret]

The Daily Mail has expressed admiration for Theresa May for getting some right dodgy bastards to help her out.

The so-called “newspaper” has run a series of articles in the last years lambasting Jeremy “allotment pimp” Corbyn for hanging out with members of the IRA.

“But the DUP are associated with a completely different group of terrorists, so it’s fine to invite them into the government,” confirmed Simon Williams, one of the Daily Mail’s most senior tosspots.

“Plus they’re creationist, anti-abortionist climate change deniers. They’re basically part of our core demographi

“Theresa May is to be commended for her political antennae here, as are we, to be honest.”

A spokesperson for Number 10 said, “we welcome the Daily Mail’s support.

“Bearing in mind their stance as a poverty-loving, women-hating, gay-bashing roll of used toilet paper, we believe they are going to be absolutely delighted with what we’ve got in store for the next five years.

“Everybody else should probably move to Sweden.”

http://newsthump.com/2017/06/09/daily-mail-praises-theresa-may-for-teaming-up-with-right-kind-of-terrorist-sympathisers/

[Red Beret]

The Sith Lords to support minority Tory Government on a confidence and supply basis

Following two days of negotiations with Dark Lord of The Sith, Darth Sidious, it appears the Sith Order will not enter into a formal coalition with the Tories but will support them on a ‘confidence and supply’ basis.

Initially, it was thought the Government may have entered into negotiations with Northern Ireland’s DUP, but the Tories wanted a bigger pack of bastards with whom to enter a deal.

“The Sith Order are our friends across the galaxy,” said Theresa May, who now appears in dictionaries as the definition of the word ‘hapless.’

“We are in agreement on many things, such as being evil, developing a crushing, ruthless oppression of the populace of the galaxy, and fox-hunting.”

The Sith Order offered an interesting perspective on the deal.

“We look forward to a long and fruitful relationship with the Tories,” said a Sith representative.

“Not with Theresa May, of course, she couldn’t organise a pod-race in a canyon, but that Jeremy C*nt? There’s a man with the Dark Side of the Force flowing through him.”

It is understood that if the deal with the Sith Order falls through, Sauron, Skeletor, and both Dick Dastardly and Mutley stand ready to hold talks.

http://newsthump.com/2017/06/11/the-sith-lords-to-support-minority-tory-government-on-a-confidence-and-supply-basis/

[The Bournemouth Red]

I can't wait for the new Eye tomorrow, should make interesting reading.

[The Gulleysucker]

Since the Tory party thread is locked, and in probably a forlorn attempt to call a pause to the internecine conflict within the Labour party thread, since I couldn't think of anywhere else to post this, I'm putting this here.....(Well I found it amusing especially after the shit journey I've just had coming back from Newcastle down to Devon)

[Red Beret]

Fuckwitted Pob lookalike Michael Gove rushed into A&E after being accidentally sprinkled with salt


Fuckwitted Pob lookalike Michael Gove is said to be “serious but stable” in hospital, after being dusted with salt in a pub garden accident.

“A customer was adding salt to their chips, when the lid of the salt cellar suddenly came off and a cloud of salt flew across the table.” explained Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms in Harold.

“No one else was affected but with Mr Gove it was really weird. His body became really shiny, then he began to froth at the mouth and ooze out of his suit.”

Gove’s wife, the self-effacing Daily Mail columnist Sarah Vine, will visit him in Dunstable Royal Infirmary, just as soon as she files three 1500 word pieces on how this might affect her sex life.

“It’s rather ironic.” she said “I understand Michael had only just missed being accidentally pushed into a huge tub of beer, which was sunk in the edge of the flower border.”

http://eveningharold.com/2017/06/30/michael-gove-rushed-into-ae-after-being-accidentally-sprinkled-with-salt/

[The Gulleysucker]

Firing banknotes out of cannons into Channel ‘cheaper than Brexit’, say experts
30-06-17



TOP economists have urged the government to consider shooting bundles of £50 notes into the sea as an alternative to hard Brexit.

By replacing present policy with the construction of enormous cannons on the cliffs of Dover, stuffed with cash and able to fire twice per minute, British taxpayers could save billions.

Economist Carolyn Ryan said: “The cannons could be gold-plated and the largest ever built, with a lavish opening ceremony at which Beyoncé, the Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney perform, and we would still have countless extra millions to invest in public services.

“Think of it. Round after round of hard cash arcing into the water and scattering on the waves, stimulating the economy by occasionally washing to shore in Hartlepool.

“Another option is to invest 20 per cent of our GDP in gold dust and introduce it to the water supply so that as a country we would literally piss it away.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/firing-banknotes-out-of-cannons-into-channel-cheaper-than-brexit-say-experts-20170630130853

[Red Beret]

Not sure if satire... I mean it SAYS it's satire but I can't honestly tell!

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/jared-kushner-calls-kim-jong-un-totally-unqualified-person-who-got-job-only-through-nepotism

[oldfordie]

Man who attempted to push woman under a bus has been arrested.

[Red Beret]

THE human race has expressed concern that everyone in charge appears to be utterly demented.

Following last week’s flurry of weapons and clashing egos, many human beings have been wondering why sane people aren’t in charge.

Homo sapiens Roy Hobbs said: “I feel like, overall, most people aren’t insane but the people in charge are, so maybe we need to look at that.

“If you consider the advances our species has made in things like medicine, art and quantum science, you’d think we could find some quality people to run the show. We need to have a meeting about this otherwise bad stuff could happen.

“I suggest we get rid of these shark-eyed god-emperors and maybe just let Tom Hanks run everything, perhaps with help from some kind old ladies and dolphins.”

Mother-of-two Susan Traherne said: “Trump and Putin are obviously insane, Kim Jong-un is deeply unwell and I’m fairly sure Theresa May spends a good amount of time curled up in the fetal position under a heap of designer shoes.

“I think when we’re choosing leaders we should put ‘not insane’ as one of the top criteria, definitely above ‘says threatening things in a funny way’ and ‘cool eyebrows’.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/humanity-a-bit-concerned-that-its-leaders-are-completely-insane-20170410125708

[The Bournemouth Red]

Donald Trump has explained the high turnover of White House staff – it is because he is determined to find cause of the the incompetence and idiocy that keeps coming out of the Oval Office.

‘My staff keep telling me there is one very dumb person behind all of this stuppidity” he tweeted. ‘Every morning I look in the mirror and tell myself I will find him.’

‘I think I’m getting close, so close, to finding the problem.”, said the President, “I asked the head of the CIA to identify the biggest idiot in the White House and they’ve managed to give me the initials, I’ve just got to find someone with the initials UR.’

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2017/08/25/trump-will-keep-firing-people-until-he-finds-the-problem/

[Red Beret]

UK Brexit team furious as EU threatens to keep British people dangerously well-informed

Theresa May and David Davis have today criticised the EU for attempting to influence the British voting public by keeping them dangerously well-informed about the Brexit process.

Speaking to reporters in Downing Street, the prime minister criticised the EU’s chief negotiator Michel Barnier.

She claimed Barnier’s threat to keep the British people up to speed with how Brexit negotiations are going, and to ensure they are educated about the implications of any deal eventually reached, is an affront to democracy.

May explained, “As we’ve said all along, we don’t want anyone who can actually vote to have even the faintest idea about what is going on behind closed doors in our negotiations with the EU, because that would be very stupid indeed.

“We want everything done in secret, free from media scrutiny and the sort of criticism that could lead voters to think we might not be doing such a bang-up job.

“We have promised the country a deal that is willfully unrealistic, so we need these two years of nothing whatsoever being said about it to ensure we give the people time to forget what we promised them.”

An EU spokesperson said, “There are 27 countries on our side that need to agree on the terms of the Brexit deal, with each country having to sell the deal to their own voters –  but sure, if she wants to try and keep the British people in the dark during the whole thing, then good luck to her.

“I’ve seen your newspapers; I’m sure that soon enough you’ll all be convinced that being told absolutely nothing is the best thing for you.”

http://newsthump.com/2017/09/04/uk-brexit-team-furious-as-eu-threatens-to-keep-british-people-dangerously-well-informed/

[The Bournemouth Red]

Should be a wind-up, but actually true;

https://www.thelocal.se/20160921/swedens-harambe-hunt-on-for-badger-after-hipster-cat-attack

[The Gulleysucker]

May makes generous offer to remain in reality for further two years
22-09-17



THE prime minister has offered to abide by the laws of reality for a further two years while details of the wonderful fantasyland awaiting Britain are negotiated.

The move is a significant change to previous policy, which had Britain departing from the real world completely in 2019 for a fabulous imaginary realm of prosperity.

In a speech in Florence, May said: “The people of Britain have chosen to live in a magical land where golden apples grow on every tree and it rains champagne, and live in that land we shall.

“But not all of our sugar-spun castles are quite completed yet and the ability to soar in the air free as a bird is still in beta-testing, so we have told reality if we remain part of it until 2021 we will continue to play by its rules.

“In return I have asked the real world to be creative and meet Britons halfway in their desire to turn anything they touch into gold, which they must be granted because they voted for it last year.”

May reiterated that in the long-term Britain will still exit the physical world entirely to exist eternally in the faerie realms, while still taking anything it wants from reality whenever it wants it.

But voter Margaret Gerving said: “She promised no compromises. She’s a bloody traitor.”




http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/may-makes-generous-offer-to-remain-in-reality-for-further-two-years-20170922136280

[Red Beret]

Trump-deleting Twitter employee unlikely to have to pay for a drink ever again

A Twitter employee who deleted Donald Trump’s Twitter account on their last day has secured free pints for life.

Simon Williams, a now-former employee of the online toilet wall, said his goodbyes to everyone in the office, accepted a card, made a short speech where he lied about how much he loved the job he was now abandoning, and deleted the President’s personal Twitter account on the way out.

“It was a lovely day,” confirmed Williams.

“I got a nice card and some vouchers, and I successfully convinced everyone that I will miss them even though most of them represent the exact cause of my resignation; particularly Carol in accounts, the twat.

“I wanted to do something memorable on my way out and the boss was in his office, so I couldn’t take a shit on his desk.

“So instead I decided to take away the personal Twitter feed of the President of the United States.

“So far I have been bought 12 drinks by people I’ve never met. Should this rate continue, I should be dead by the age of 38, which is all I’ve ever dreamed of.”

Barfly, Jay Cooper, said, “Simon is the hero we need right now and it was my pleasure to buy him a drink.

“I’m looking forward to Donald’s response. It’s likely to contain even more froth than this pint, which has been badly poured to a spectacular degree – but then we are in the USA.”

http://newsthump.com/2017/11/03/trump-deleting-twitter-employee-unlikely-to-have-to-pay-for-a-drink-ever-again/

[Red Beret]

I'm too dirty to be a minister but just dirty enough to be an MP, says Fallon

SIR Michael Fallon has confirmed that his sexual transgressions make him unfit to be defence minister but, luckily, still fine to be a Tory MP.



Fallon has resigned from the cabinet to avoid it being besmirched by allegations of sexual misconduct, but confirmed that the wider group of Conservatives in parliament can be proud to have him.

He said: “As we all know, groping and other univited sexual advances were acceptable in the 1970s and also enjoyed a retro resurgence during the period 2002-2007.

“And while my enthusiastic, envelope-pushing activities in that area mean I can no longer serve in the cabinet alongside pure souls like Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson and Liam Fox, it in no way disqualifies me from the Commons.

“By good fortune, my misbehaviour falls into that exact grey area between ‘falling on my sword as a distraction’ and ‘losing our tiny parliamentary majority’.

“I remain proud to serve the people of Sevenoaks. I warn them not to get too close.”

[Chakan]

I'd buy him a drink!

[Red Beret]

Government votes that “benefit claimants can’t feel emotion or pain”



A controversial ‘benefit claimant sentience’ vote has been won by the government, ensuring future legislation does not have to recognise that people claiming benefits ‘feel emotion or pain’.

A little-known area of EU legislation recognised benefit claimants as being capable of emotions and of suffering pain, protecting them from treatment detrimental to either – but the government has voted to remove this protection as part of its own Brexit legislation.

A spokesperson for the Department for Exiting the EU told us, “If a benefit claimant can’t feel pain or suffering, then you don’t have to feel bad about inflicting on them the sort of measures you could reasonably expect to induce pain and suffering.

“Despite what liberals will tell you, the science is inconclusive on this matter, so we don’t see why our policies should assume benefit claimants react to external stimuli in the same way as your or I.

“You wouldn’t expect us to feel guilty when cutting the grass, and now we don’t need to feel guilty cutting the benefits of that guy in the wheelchair, or the family who live around the corner.”

Those on Universal Credit have said the latest move comes as little surprise, though they are pleased it didn’t go further.

Benefit claimant Simon Williams told us, “Honestly, I was expecting them to announce some kind of cull.

“But this is ok. The government formally recognising that they don’t think we have feelings or emotions won’t affect us one little bit, because they’ve been acting as if this was the case for years.”

http://newsthump.com/2017/11/20/government-votes-that-benefit-claimants-cant-feel-emotion-or-pain/