Author Topic: Compromising Positions  (Read 131035 times)

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #440 on: December 7, 2011, 09:06:33 am »
As soon as I saw her I just cupped my balls, did a kind of a weird smile/cry face, said sorry and ran back out.

Haha brilliant!

Offline SMD

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #441 on: December 7, 2011, 09:08:46 am »
You're a lesbian?

No man, she's just pretending to be female online. You know there aren't any women on the internet, right?
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Offline doc_antonio

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #442 on: December 7, 2011, 10:05:47 am »
If you haven't figured that out by now mate then you really don't pay attention! ;D

Here's one from years ago.

Was at my ex's place and for a change we had the house to ourselves so decide to go at it, end up on her brothers double bed which was squeeky as fuck and she wasn't quiet either but we had to try and be because the walls with next door were very thin and she didn't want them hearing and telling her mum and dad.

We're going at it, she lets out a scream and next minute, the bedroom door slams open with her other brother standing there looking at his sister while shes got her legs in the air and me sticking out of her.

He came upstairs because he thought the squeeking was a mouse and thought she'd screamed because it was in the room.

Thankfully he was sound and couldn't say fuck all to her mum amd dad because me and her both knew he'd come home one night pissed and shat on the kitchen floor only to blame it on the dog.

umm.... did he think there was a valid reason why he shat on the floor?
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Offline J-Mc-

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #443 on: December 7, 2011, 10:11:55 am »
umm.... did he think there was a valid reason why he shat on the floor?

We were sat in the living room (which leads directly onto the kitchen, big archway) when he came in pissed, he farted and followed through.

Me and the then gf weren't going to clean up his shite so we left him to it and went to bed, woke up in the morning with their mum and dad screaming at the dog and him fast asleep on the couch in the same clothes he wore the night before.

Offline doc_antonio

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #444 on: December 7, 2011, 10:19:03 am »
We were sat in the living room (which leads directly onto the kitchen, big archway) when he came in pissed, he farted and followed through.

Me and the then gf weren't going to clean up his shite so we left him to it and went to bed, woke up in the morning with their mum and dad screaming at the dog and him fast asleep on the couch in the same clothes he wore the night before.

sounds like a good lad! haha.
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Offline cissepower

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #445 on: December 7, 2011, 10:46:47 am »
El Pistolero will be along shortly demanding -

;)

I feel like such a prude reading through this thread.
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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #446 on: December 7, 2011, 10:48:30 am »
god my sex life is normal compared to some of you....


that said this thread is epic!

Offline Sir Harvest Fields

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #447 on: December 7, 2011, 10:59:27 am »
Not about me but i found this funny.

Malcs said he had pulled this bird at a party and took her upstairs and started getting it on. Malcs is a big fucker ( not cock, body size ) and was on top of this old bird hammering away and the wardrobe door opens. So he jumps off her and shuts the door, gets back on the bed and starts again. He said he knew he was going well at it but not enough for the wardrobe door to open. But it did, so he got up again and opened it and inside stood his best mate having a wank and all his mate says it, ' carry on im nearly done' and pulls the wardrobe door to. Had me in stitches.

Oh and dont use Mars bars as sex tools. Took me ages to get it all out. Or ammunition shells. Candles,hairbrushes, shampoo bottles, cucumbers, celery, frozen sausages,pool cues,beer bottles etc etc. Its good to experiment but sometimes its just not wise. Im past all that now im glad to say.
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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #448 on: December 7, 2011, 11:09:38 am »
Something tells me you are'nt lying SHF  ;D
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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #449 on: December 7, 2011, 11:19:48 am »
Oh and dont use Mars bars as sex tools. Took me ages to get it all out.
Haha, sigging that.
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Oh and dont use Mars bars as sex tools. Took me ages to get it all out.

Offline Sir Harvest Fields

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #450 on: December 7, 2011, 11:30:30 am »
Nope, im not. You cant tell me you lot havent used weird things as sex aids? And the stupid thing was it never occured to me, not once, that a mars bar would melt in there. All i can say, apart from scat ive tried most things. Not liked some of it but at least i tried.
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Offline Barneylfc∗

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #451 on: December 7, 2011, 11:33:27 am »
Weirdest thing I've used is a Fat Frog ice lolly. Dont think she'd be willing to use anything else like cucumber or bottles.
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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #452 on: December 7, 2011, 11:43:31 am »
Oh and dont use Mars bars as sex tools. Took me ages to get it all out. Or ammunition shells.

 :o

Offline Sir Harvest Fields

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #453 on: December 7, 2011, 11:47:31 am »
It was a used shell. Big thing, fuck knows where it came from. Think it was my Dads. I remember it had a serrated ring about halfway down. Id ask Dava but im sure the old perv will be along soon enough and help me out anyway :)

Experimentation is what helps us evolve and makes us into the ppl we are. Whats the point of being boring. Try it, if you dont like it, try it till you do. Hell of a motto that.
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Offline mulfella

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #454 on: December 7, 2011, 01:47:41 pm »
I used to live in a different country to the wife a couple of years ago and we would have to come visit each other every now and again to keep sane. I was heading over to see her for only a week at one point so decided to not book any luggage in and only take everything as carry on onto the plane. Unfortunately, I had forgotten that I had bought her a dildo as a gift for when I'm away. So I had to stand there and watch 6 officials getting extremely uncomfortable trying not to laugh while they saw my dildo go through the x-ray machine at Heathrow. I think I mad it worse by smiling at all of them while they tried their best to keep a straight face.

I passed a couple in a similar position in China about 7 years ago. Forget which Airport it was but it was fairly provincial.

The security officer was a Chinese woman who was holding this silver vibrator up for everyone passing to see, while clearly having no idea what it was.

The poor couple were having to provide a public explantion to someone who culturally and linguistically was clearly miles away from them. Mortified doesn't begin to describe how they looked.
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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #455 on: December 7, 2011, 03:37:01 pm »
If you haven't figured that out by now mate then you really don't pay attention! ;D

Here's one from years ago.

Was at my ex's place and for a change we had the house to ourselves so decide to go at it, end up on her brothers double bed which was squeeky as fuck and she wasn't quiet either but we had to try and be because the walls with next door were very thin and she didn't want them hearing and telling her mum and dad.

We're going at it, she lets out a scream and next minute, the bedroom door slams open with her other brother standing there looking at his sister while shes got her legs in the air and me sticking out of her.

He came upstairs because he thought the squeeking was a mouse and thought she'd screamed because it was in the room.

Thankfully he was sound and couldn't say fuck all to her mum amd dad because me and her both knew he'd come home one night pissed and shat on the kitchen floor only to blame it on the dog.

;D

Oh and dont use Mars bars as sex tools. Took me ages to get it all out. Or ammunition shells. Candles,hairbrushes, shampoo bottles, cucumbers, celery, frozen sausages,pool cues,beer bottles etc etc. Its good to experiment but sometimes its just not wise. Im past all that now im glad to say.

There is an increasing part of me that wants to see a network like HBO make a film/series/whatever out of your life. I would probably hate myself for it, but good god it'd be something.

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #456 on: December 7, 2011, 03:38:45 pm »
Oh and dont use Mars bars as sex tools. Took me ages to get it all out. Or ammunition shells. Candles,hairbrushes, shampoo bottles, cucumbers, celery, frozen sausages,pool cues,beer bottles etc etc. Its good to experiment but sometimes its just not wise. Im past all that now im glad to say.

Chocolate chip mint ice-cream however ...

Offline J-Mc-

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #457 on: December 7, 2011, 03:38:51 pm »
;D

There is an increasing part of me that wants to see a network like HBO make a film/series/whatever out of your life. I would probably hate myself for it, but good god it'd be something.

He's already got a series, it's called Sexcetera.

Offline Noelle

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #458 on: December 7, 2011, 03:47:06 pm »
He's already got a series, it's called Sexcetera.

Really think I'm better off not looking that up.

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #459 on: December 7, 2011, 04:02:48 pm »
Or ammunition shells.

What calibre? I take it you're not talking heavy artillery shells.
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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #460 on: December 7, 2011, 06:42:33 pm »
Going back a few years to when my mate had just started Uni (Keele i think). After about a week he had become good mates with one of the lads on the same course and they went out for a few pints. Anyway they get split up and my mate gets off with some student bird goes back to hers, stays and gets her number. He starts seeing this girl and she turns out to be an absolute nymph and he cant believe his luck. He is seeing her for a couple of weeks and she starts telling him she wants 2 threesomes. First him and her plus her mate. Then him and her plus one of his lad mates. My mate agrees and the first one goes well. He asks the mate from his course does he want the job for the second and not surprisingly he agrees. So the arrangement was my mate goes out for a couple with the bird then back to his mates for the deed. So he rings the lad about 10 and tells him its deffo on and they'll be back in half an hour. The other lad was delighted cos he hadnt had any for about a month. Imagine the dissapointment and awkwardness when my mate arrives and its the other lads younger sister.

Offline thegoodfella

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #461 on: December 7, 2011, 07:06:19 pm »
If you haven't figured that out by now mate then you really don't pay attention! ;D

Maybe he is Noelle's dad.

Offline Sir Harvest Fields

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #462 on: December 7, 2011, 07:10:40 pm »
What calibre? I take it you're not talking heavy artillery shells.

Dunno. Bout the size of a marrow i guess. A small one.
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Offline rafathegaffa83

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #463 on: December 7, 2011, 07:17:42 pm »
Going back a few years to when my mate had just started Uni (Keele i think). After about a week he had become good mates with one of the lads on the same course and they went out for a few pints. Anyway they get split up and my mate gets off with some student bird goes back to hers, stays and gets her number. He starts seeing this girl and she turns out to be an absolute nymph and he cant believe his luck. He is seeing her for a couple of weeks and she starts telling him she wants 2 threesomes. First him and her plus her mate. Then him and her plus one of his lad mates. My mate agrees and the first one goes well. He asks the mate from his course does he want the job for the second and not surprisingly he agrees. So the arrangement was my mate goes out for a couple with the bird then back to his mates for the deed. So he rings the lad about 10 and tells him its deffo on and they'll be back in half an hour. The other lad was delighted cos he hadnt had any for about a month. Imagine the dissapointment and awkwardness when my mate arrives and its the other lads younger sister.

:lmao

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #464 on: December 7, 2011, 07:21:08 pm »
We have a winner :lmao

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #465 on: December 7, 2011, 07:23:04 pm »
Going back a few years to when my mate had just started Uni (Keele i think). After about a week he had become good mates with one of the lads on the same course and they went out for a few pints. Anyway they get split up and my mate gets off with some student bird goes back to hers, stays and gets her number. He starts seeing this girl and she turns out to be an absolute nymph and he cant believe his luck. He is seeing her for a couple of weeks and she starts telling him she wants 2 threesomes. First him and her plus her mate. Then him and her plus one of his lad mates. My mate agrees and the first one goes well. He asks the mate from his course does he want the job for the second and not surprisingly he agrees. So the arrangement was my mate goes out for a couple with the bird then back to his mates for the deed. So he rings the lad about 10 and tells him its deffo on and they'll be back in half an hour. The other lad was delighted cos he hadnt had any for about a month. Imagine the dissapointment and awkwardness when my mate arrives and its the other lads younger sister.
:lmao
Did you still go through with it?

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #466 on: December 7, 2011, 07:25:45 pm »
Aahahahaha! That's bloody priceless.  ;D
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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #467 on: December 7, 2011, 07:40:16 pm »
Going back a few years to when my mate had just started Uni (Keele i think). After about a week he had become good mates with one of the lads on the same course and they went out for a few pints. Anyway they get split up and my mate gets off with some student bird goes back to hers, stays and gets her number. He starts seeing this girl and she turns out to be an absolute nymph and he cant believe his luck. He is seeing her for a couple of weeks and she starts telling him she wants 2 threesomes. First him and her plus her mate. Then him and her plus one of his lad mates. My mate agrees and the first one goes well. He asks the mate from his course does he want the job for the second and not surprisingly he agrees. So the arrangement was my mate goes out for a couple with the bird then back to his mates for the deed. So he rings the lad about 10 and tells him its deffo on and they'll be back in half an hour. The other lad was delighted cos he hadnt had any for about a month. Imagine the dissapointment and awkwardness when my mate arrives and its the other lads younger sister.
:lmao :lmao

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #468 on: December 7, 2011, 07:40:35 pm »
:lmao
Did you still go through with it?
Wasnt me it was a 'mate' ;)

Offline Noelle

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #469 on: December 7, 2011, 07:41:11 pm »
Going back a few years to when my mate had just started Uni (Keele i think). After about a week he had become good mates with one of the lads on the same course and they went out for a few pints. Anyway they get split up and my mate gets off with some student bird goes back to hers, stays and gets her number. He starts seeing this girl and she turns out to be an absolute nymph and he cant believe his luck. He is seeing her for a couple of weeks and she starts telling him she wants 2 threesomes. First him and her plus her mate. Then him and her plus one of his lad mates. My mate agrees and the first one goes well. He asks the mate from his course does he want the job for the second and not surprisingly he agrees. So the arrangement was my mate goes out for a couple with the bird then back to his mates for the deed. So he rings the lad about 10 and tells him its deffo on and they'll be back in half an hour. The other lad was delighted cos he hadnt had any for about a month. Imagine the dissapointment and awkwardness when my mate arrives and its the other lads younger sister.

:lmao

Saw it coming and still in stitches here. Beautiful.

Offline J-Mc-

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #470 on: December 7, 2011, 07:43:13 pm »
Wasnt me it was a 'mate' ;)

You carry on letting him go out with your sister then?

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #471 on: December 7, 2011, 07:45:03 pm »
You carry on letting him go out with your sister then?

Ha ha

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #472 on: December 7, 2011, 07:59:44 pm »
Going back a few years to when my mate had just started Uni (Keele i think). After about a week he had become good mates with one of the lads on the same course and they went out for a few pints. Anyway they get split up and my mate gets off with some student bird goes back to hers, stays and gets her number. He starts seeing this girl and she turns out to be an absolute nymph and he cant believe his luck. He is seeing her for a couple of weeks and she starts telling him she wants 2 threesomes. First him and her plus her mate. Then him and her plus one of his lad mates. My mate agrees and the first one goes well. He asks the mate from his course does he want the job for the second and not surprisingly he agrees. So the arrangement was my mate goes out for a couple with the bird then back to his mates for the deed. So he rings the lad about 10 and tells him its deffo on and they'll be back in half an hour. The other lad was delighted cos he hadnt had any for about a month. Imagine the dissapointment and awkwardness when my mate arrives and its the other lads younger sister.

 :lmao

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #473 on: December 7, 2011, 08:01:04 pm »
Going back a few years to when my mate had just started Uni (Keele i think). After about a week he had become good mates with one of the lads on the same course and they went out for a few pints. Anyway they get split up and my mate gets off with some student bird goes back to hers, stays and gets her number. He starts seeing this girl and she turns out to be an absolute nymph and he cant believe his luck. He is seeing her for a couple of weeks and she starts telling him she wants 2 threesomes. First him and her plus her mate. Then him and her plus one of his lad mates. My mate agrees and the first one goes well. He asks the mate from his course does he want the job for the second and not surprisingly he agrees. So the arrangement was my mate goes out for a couple with the bird then back to his mates for the deed. So he rings the lad about 10 and tells him its deffo on and they'll be back in half an hour. The other lad was delighted cos he hadnt had any for about a month. Imagine the dissapointment and awkwardness when my mate arrives and its the other lads younger sister.

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #474 on: December 7, 2011, 08:13:23 pm »
Going back a few years to when my mate had just started Uni (Keele i think). After about a week he had become good mates with one of the lads on the same course and they went out for a few pints. Anyway they get split up and my mate gets off with some student bird goes back to hers, stays and gets her number. He starts seeing this girl and she turns out to be an absolute nymph and he cant believe his luck. He is seeing her for a couple of weeks and she starts telling him she wants 2 threesomes. First him and her plus her mate. Then him and her plus one of his lad mates. My mate agrees and the first one goes well. He asks the mate from his course does he want the job for the second and not surprisingly he agrees. So the arrangement was my mate goes out for a couple with the bird then back to his mates for the deed. So he rings the lad about 10 and tells him its deffo on and they'll be back in half an hour. The other lad was delighted cos he hadnt had any for about a month. Imagine the dissapointment and awkwardness when my mate arrives and its the other lads younger sister.

That reminds me of that Smith and Jones parody sketch where the kerb crawler tries to pick up a hooker. 

"Papa!?"
"Nicole!?"

 :lmao
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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #475 on: December 7, 2011, 08:17:13 pm »
I won't quote it again Anfield Kopite but that is brilliant in so many ways ;D Can't imagine the fucking awkwardness.
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Offline Chakan

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #476 on: December 7, 2011, 08:17:59 pm »
Still wanna know if he went through with it...

Online Anfield Kopite

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #477 on: December 7, 2011, 10:45:00 pm »
Still wanna know if he went through with it...
I won't quote it again Anfield Kopite but that is brilliant in so many ways ;D Can't imagine the fucking awkwardness.
Ill come clean, it was me who was seeing the girl. It was such a shame cos i have never met a girl who was so up for it before or since and i was in the prime of life. She was a good looking girl and had a nice personality as well as being a sex maniac. On the night of the second threesome the awkwardness was excruciating when we walked in. It was so unlucky that she had not been to her bro's digs before cos he'd only been in there a couple of days. I said sorry to the lad the next day cos i had bragged a little about how good this girl was in the sack. He just said "Dont worry about it, ive known for ages what she was like." Didnt see her again after that :(

Offline Red Viper

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #478 on: December 7, 2011, 11:56:06 pm »
:D This thread just gets better and better.

Although I'm really starting to think I've had a boring life not to have any ridiculous stories.

Offline Matt8Pie

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Re: Compromising Positions
« Reply #479 on: December 8, 2011, 12:46:42 am »
We weren't meant to have any office "romance" in the place I used to work as it was really frowned upon and could end up with you getting the sack. Back in 2008 before I lived in London, our work Christmas party was down at the Emirates stadium as the company was pretty big and they wanted this rally kind of thing to end the year before everyone went out to this club they'd hired. Anyway, this girl had been going on for a couple of weeks about how drunk she was gonna get me at the party and all this so I knew what was on the cards so I spent the night dancing with her and getting drunk together, etc.
At the end of the night, we all get back on the coach and I go to the back of it in the corner and she followed. Everyone takes their seats and the coach isn't full but there's a lot of people messing around, drawing on people who have passed out and stuff. About an hour later, everyone's starting to fall asleep around us and she sees it as the time to start something. We start kissing and all that and she puts her coat over our laps and starts giving me a handy under it. She's kissing my neck and all that too and we're trying to be quiet so I look around at the other corner of the back seat and this guy is passed out, the coach is silent and I look to the seats in front of us. This guy is peering back at me through the gap in the seats like that little kid in Unbreakable staring at Bruce Willis, I don't know how long he'd been watching for, and we lock eyes and have a rage poker face moment. I was a bit scared and didn't know what the fuck to do. She's unaware and is carrying on and he slowly raises his thumb to me and this massive grin creeps across his face. I do my best not to crack up but he just keeps watching. I'm still trying not to laugh and she clocks on and asks me what's funny. I say she's tickling my neck but then she carries on. I look back to the guy and he's still looking at me. I thought, why not give him a little show. I start kissing the girl and pull down her top to get her tits out, she's loving it. All of a sudden, the guy in front of me yells at the top of his voice"SHE'S WANKING HIM OFF!" Everyone around us starts jumping up awake to see what's going and she's struggling to get her tits back in her top with people watching. Luckily everyone was plastered as not many people remembered it the next week at work. Bus wanker.

Not the best, but it's my contribution.
« Last Edit: December 8, 2011, 12:49:41 am by Matt8pie »
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Most people in this world are tits. The fact they have an allegiance with Liverpool Football Club doesn't change that.