Topic: Struggling with depression

[dimwit]

It's perfectly understandable to feel the way you do given your circumstances mate. Pretty much anything can trigger feelings of depression, and what you have experienced and are still experiencing certainly doesn't sound pleasant. People think you have to experience a death or a divorce to be depressed, when in reality anything that impacts on your daily life can be the catalyst for the feelings that follow.

It's good that you've even posted on here to get things of your chest. Talking helps, it really does. I hope for your sake they get to the bottom of what is wrong, and if you ever need to talk you can always drop me a PM.

Very much this,

We all handle things individually, so something you think it's not a big deal, might be devastating for another person. We shouldn't belittle any reason what triggeres depression/panic attacks and such.

I've learnt that during my own issues.

Anyway, won't be posting much here anymore, thought this was something it turned out not to be...

ll I can say is, talk to people...

[ToneLa]

I'm seemingly permanently battling some sort of shite in my personal life and teetering on the edge of what some would call depression. I just wanna be a bit more open about it in case anyone else can compare and find solace and also I want this thread kept up at the top of the forum, because the blagging black dog needs chased away.

Yesterday we cremated my brother in law.

I read aloud a poem on behalf of his daughter, my niece, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Cause he was police, a judge and police chief shook my hand after, I was sound.

I was strong and family feels is the best feels 

This boy done good! But at no step of that journey did it feel like I wasn't running on fumes.

And a job I went for, a certain third-placed delivery company, told me no - despite me telling them in the application form, yesterday was a no-no, I was busy at a family funeral, AND I told them face to face what I was busy with and when, and asked them to not contact me either way on that date; and still got the usual impersonal email saying "you are not suitable for our requirements". Whatever, no personal touch whatsoever.

I have plenty to be angry about or down about. But I don't bother. Anger internalises to become depression; I do not become attached to what was never was in the first place.

What keeps the boat up? Will.

Only I will get myself where I want to be. I was a shining example to my family yesterday; it doesn't pay the bills and it doesn't get me a bird I love rather than like and my favourite guitar has broken a string and blah blah blah you can count negatives til Everton win the title;

it is proven in neuroscience that when you think negatively, neural pathways are formed, and hey presto, a shortcut to feeling down is formed - the constant reminders, the gut punches, the outright look of doom.

Then you're at the bottom, and can't see beyond your nose. You can force yourself - you can steer yourself like a ship, wear your mind out, exhaust it, and force positives in. I trick myself if need be!

I see it this way. Others are encumbered with a mortgage (cause nobody ever says to me "I fuckin love paying my bills!  " ) . There are plenty in unhappy relationships and want to share it. Sometimes people share negative shite without thinking about how it affects others. That's being human I suppose.

I am grateful for what I have, and what I don't have, I dunno, I still have room to help the people I love. Everyone has a different journey; everyone has different values. Mine are not the bank account, who shares my bed, or how hard I am; I'm not a teenager. I'm an individual in a world that needs people who speak for what they believe if it's good. I wave my own flag, and ally with those who understand!

I think anyone who has suffered depression, sort of feels that other people are a mirror reflecting only their own wants and needs; but you risk that yourself; you can't be an island, people are not built to be hermits. I have been almost brutal with cutting people or things out of my life that are only negative for me: what's left is good people, good things, good memories, good dreams

Everyone is different; for me I suppose, depression is a bit of a byword for reacting normally, to things that would make anyone depressed. I swerve antidepressants; I am lucky enough to have problems that are solved with time, effort, patience.

We live in a society that loves to value the easy to get, because nobody gives you a medal for being able to sleep at night. The black dog chases us, sometimes unjustly, and it is seen and judged by others as self-causing.

Threads like this are boss as they let you talk. And anyone out there lurking, feeling that tug of despair; you aren't alone, even if every molecule of your being is suggesting that you are.

T
x

[Red Beret]

feeling very sorry for myself.

Crushed that the one woman I want does want me.  I have to accept that she's looking to date other men but my BPD is like babysitting a psychotic toddler.  It's not me; just a little demon that happens to share my body, but it's insanely jealous of anybody else being with her.  It makes me feel evil and worthless.

I just have no sexual chemistry when it comes to women.  I have many attractive qualities but that's not what gets your foot in the door.  I just can't seem to spark it.  Learning how means getting out there, but my BPD leaves me severely insecure and hateful of making mistakes because I have learning difficulties.

I feel very much less of a man.

[Sorted!!]

That moment when everything has been going swimmingly great, no episodes in the last 3 months and in a happy place - then boom!!! You get two punches from the left and right within moments of each other and you have to question everything. You question whether all the future plans I have been making are worth pursuing. You question whether your degree is worth finishing. You question whether your job is worth doing.
The medication has been working alright, but when something like this comes down heavy at you, no dosage is sufficient enough.

[ToneLa]

I watched my mum die of cancer
I lost my brother in law to a dangerous driver who served less than six months
I lost my job to offshoring
I'm too skint to go the pub
I've battled depression all my life without extra crap piling on

I spent most of this afternoon outside in the sunlight, reading. All we have, really, is this present moment - everything else is temporary.

If you have nothing dragging your mind in this present moment, try to enjoy it

EVERYTHING changes. This means the bad won't last, and we should enjoy the good while it's here.

[thisyearisouryear]

feeling very sorry for myself.

Crushed that the one woman I want does want me.  I have to accept that she's looking to date other men but my BPD is like babysitting a psychotic toddler.  It's not me; just a little demon that happens to share my body, but it's insanely jealous of anybody else being with her.  It makes me feel evil and worthless.

I just have no sexual chemistry when it comes to women.  I have many attractive qualities but that's not what gets your foot in the door.  I just can't seem to spark it.  Learning how means getting out there, but my BPD leaves me severely insecure and hateful of making mistakes because I have learning difficulties.

I feel very much less of a man.

Hey man! All I can say is stay strong. I have a BPD spouse, so know how freaking tough it can be for both sides. She was diagnosed before we started dating and was on daily medication, so I read a ton of papers/blogs/books to prep myself. The worst part is how BPD sufferers are demonized in a lot of places. Which is so totally wrong. Beneath that demon you mentioned is usually an innocent, good-hearted person for whom day-to-day survival is a struggle. And I totally get that insecurity bit. My wife's BPD typically manifests in extreme social anxiety and lack of self-esteem along with long-standing depression. It has taken me a ton of effort and constant care/love/assurance to finally carry her to a slightly better place.

I am telling you all this because even though day to day living is still super tough at times for both us but there is always hope. She has taken a huge step by starting work a few months back. And I know it might not seem so from where you are now but there IS a golden sky at the end of the storm. I consider myself an extremely logical person but I realized that logic doesn't work when she is in one of her emotional troughs. It is well nigh impossible to convince her that her negative emotions are exaggerated due to her disorder. So even though none of what I say might make any difference right now but just store it somewhere in your head and come back to it when you feel a little better.

Btw are you on any medication or have you tried DBT? I read about it a lot and have used its principles to both help her and myself deal with her disorder. Mindfulness about your feelings and emotional regulation is the key. PM me if you feel like talking anytime mate. Cheers and all the best!

[Red Beret]

Hey man! All I can say is stay strong. I have a BPD spouse, so know how freaking tough it can be for both sides. She was diagnosed before we started dating and was on daily medication, so I read a ton of papers/blogs/books to prep myself. The worst part is how BPD sufferers are demonized in a lot of places. Which is so totally wrong. Beneath that demon you mentioned is usually an innocent, good-hearted person for whom day-to-day survival is a struggle. And I totally get that insecurity bit. My wife's BPD typically manifests in extreme social anxiety and lack of self-esteem along with long-standing depression. It has taken me a ton of effort and constant care/love/assurance to finally carry her to a slightly better place.

I am telling you all this because even though day to day living is still super tough at times for both us but there is always hope. She has taken a huge step by starting work a few months back. And I know it might not seem so from where you are now but there IS a golden sky at the end of the storm. I consider myself an extremely logical person but I realized that logic doesn't work when she is in one of her emotional troughs. It is well nigh impossible to convince her that her negative emotions are exaggerated due to her disorder. So even though none of what I say might make any difference right now but just store it somewhere in your head and come back to it when you feel a little better.

Btw are you on any medication or have you tried DBT? I read about it a lot and have used its principles to both help her and myself deal with her disorder. Mindfulness about your feelings and emotional regulation is the key. PM me if you feel like talking anytime mate. Cheers and all the best!

Not on meds.  Got to the point I couldn't tell where the depression ended and where the side effects began.  I'm 14 months into MBT and I'm sick of it.  They keep asking me why I can't/wont resolve issues with my family.  The purpose to MBT is trying to think/look at situations differently but when it involves an emotionally abusive elder brother then it's not a price worth paying to reconnect with my mum.

I have no confidence, no charisma with women.  All the kinds of stuff I should have learned as a kid I never did because I was too busy having emotional breakdowns.  Feel safer with women than other men (always competitive and trying to establish a pecking order).  But it's put me in the permanent friendzone category.

Spent the past few weeks crying my guts out.  So bored to tears with my own company but feel my few friends take me for granted and only want to see me on their terms because they know how clingy I can be.  Signed up to Meet Me today but too intimidated to actually try anything. :-/

[zero zero]

I have no confidence, no charisma with women.  All the kinds of stuff I should have learned as a kid I never did because I was too busy having emotional breakdowns.  Feel safer with women than other men (always competitive and trying to establish a pecking order).  But it's put me in the permanent friendzone category.

Spent the past few weeks crying my guts out.  So bored to tears with my own company but feel my few friends take me for granted and only want to see me on their terms because they know how clingy I can be.  Signed up to Meet Me today but too intimidated to actually try anything. :-/

Sorry to hear your having a tough time of it at the moment mate, but you're going to struggle in the dating game if you're going to go into it with that mindset.

[Red Beret]

Sorry to hear your having a tough time of it at the moment mate, but you're going to struggle in the dating game if you're going to go into it with that mindset.

I know.  That's the problem.  I feel I just need my hand held a bit, just a bit of external support and I might be okay.  It's a hard thing to fix when you're on you're own.  And by experience I don't feel comfortable around other males, because of the competitiveness and need to establish a pecking order.  It's something I avoid like the plague so I'm really hamstrung :-/

[zero zero]

I know.  That's the problem.  I feel I just need my hand held a bit, just a bit of external support and I might be okay.  It's a hard thing to fix when you're on you're own.  And by experience I don't feel comfortable around other males, because of the competitiveness and need to establish a pecking order.  It's something I avoid like the plague so I'm really hamstrung :-/

Well, you're not on your own. That's why I posted. And I am of the male persuasion

I do think you've hit the nail on the head - if you want to be more attractive to females I think you're better off almost ignoring them completely and hanging out with men.

[Red Beret]

Well if any local Liverpool lads want to hang out then I'm game. 

[J-Mc-]

Feeling so down for the past week.

I had an accident in (my now ex,) job, basically hit one of the barriers at Anfield on my way out the ground from dropping some materials off, looked back at the guard who sort of gave me a wave off, looking back, he was waving me forward. I completely misjudged the situation and just went back to the yard.

Couple of hours later, after telling the manager earlier in the day what happened, he misheard me when I said that the guard waved to me as if to say to go. The manager took that as I'd said I'd spoken to the guard (which i hadn't,) so made me out to be a liar.

Had a weeks paid suspension, went for my disciplinary meeting today, got told that although the boss knows it was an accident and I've not meant to do it, he couldn't see any other outcome except for me to be sacked, said he was talking to his missus about it and he couldn't see any other outcome there either because i've tarnished the companies reputation.

It was a genuine mistake, and never being in that kind of situation before, my common sense just didn't kick in. I feel like a fucking failure and an absoloute fucking idiot to be honest.

To make matters worse, I'm off on holiday at 8am tomorrow morning, first holiday abroad with just the girlfriend and I just can't seem to get into the right mindset for it.

Spent all day applying for jobs and ringing around for contacts and places to apply for. Got bills coming out of my ears the week i'm back and have no way of paying them and i just feel like absoloute shit at the minute.

[J-Mc-]

Sounds like an absolute nonsense that mate; if people were sacked for genuine mistakes all the time, the unemployment figures around the world would be through the roof.

I'd speak to your union rep if you're in one and try and speak to an employment lawyer - especially if they will work Pro Bono (free) for you. Personally, I'd be very concerned also with my boss taking HR and legal advice from his/her wife/husband unless they were a lawyer themselves.

He's been looking for reasons to get rid of people for a while mate.

I'm not in a union (stupidly,) and also, the way I'm feeling, i really can't handle the hassle of an employment lawyer and taking the boss to court ect. The boss said that my story has changed 3 times (which it hasn't,) and according to the CCTV, the guard never waved at all, at any point, or shouted for me to stop so basically they're calling me a liar when i know for a fact, the guard moved his hand in a way as to wave me away.

I'm just genuinely gutted mate, i loved that job. Got to start from scratch again somewhere new and hopefully find somewhere that will give me weekly pay without the week in hand shite.

EDIT:
Just seen your edit, I've never been in trouble in the company before but I don't have a contract, no one in there does, we're all on zero hour I guess, my uncle has worked there for a while aswell and he's not had a contract either, none of the lads have.

[Lycan]

Been struggling with this for some time now, but I had started to feel a lot better since the turn of the year. I really had started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That was until last week when I got the news one of my best mates son killed himself. Hit me like a sledgehammer it has. I knew him since he was a little baby. He was only 28 when he died and not long had a beautiful baby girl himself. Now that little girl will grow up never knowing her dad. His mum, dad and family are absolutely devasted by the news as you can imagine. His funeral was yesterday and hundreds turned up to see him off, such was the popularity of the lad. He had a heart of gold and daft as a brush. Just like his auld fella. A loveable rogue is how he was described in the funeral service. That was so, so true of him. I'm absolutely gutted. Just been in a trance all day. Not done fuck all but lie on my coach all day watching utter shite on telly. Hardly ate anything either. I'm hoping to pop round and see his mum and dad again tomorrow, but to be honest I don't know if I'll have the strength to face them.

[Lotus Eater]

Lycan - I am really sorry to hear about your best mate's son. Grim news.
My following post is the reason I logged in and looked for this thread - so I'm sorry if it seems unsympathetic.
I wanted to just get it written down, get some cathartic relief.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish I was dead.
I have been thinking of this for some months now.
But I won't kill myself - I just feel it. it would mean no more suffering.

I have a lovely wife and son and I wouldn't do it to them.

I hate my job - really hate it, but need to pay the mortgage.
I don't have a degree and have found myself in a manager's position only by being in the industry for so long.
But I feel I am swamped with work, and don't feel I am getting a good grip on it.
I feel people look at me in a disappointed fashion.

My wife hardly sparks up a conversation with me - but maybe it's due to me being miserable.

Wish I could just get in my car and drive round the country for a month to clear my head.
But that's not an option.

Trapped.

I simply must DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

I listen to Alan Watts a lot - one thing I remember he goes on about is about life, in general:
"Do you do it? Or does it do you?"
Right now I feel I am getting done by life, especially people at work.

Got to stop this now.

I must start thinking positively.

Been treated for depression a few times in the past and feel the black dog is returning.
Got to fight it off, but I am exhausted all the time especially as my wife works the hours I am not in work, so I
get home and become babysitter in the evening - after a 10 or 11 hour day at work where I usually work through my lunch.
I don't seem to have made any real friends at work.

Part of depression is the isolation that goes with it - it can be soul-destroying.

I wish I could just cry for an hour and get  it out my system, but I can't seem to be able to cry.

Just had to get that down in writing - can't dump that on my wife (well, not in that manner)

Thanks for reading.

[Haemoglobin]

It could really help to have something to plan for mate, something to look forward to. The daily grind and the sense of being trapped in the same cyclical routine without any means of escape can do dark shit to anyone, so you need give yourself loads of little escapes.

If you can't reduce your hours or take time off at present, then think of it more in terms of pushing through this difficult period until you can do that. Listen to moving music when you've got time to yourself, like orchestral/operatic stuff maybe, relax your body and go with the flow, if you feel you have backed-up tears to release. And defo speak your woman about it; just be honest and matter-of-fact, take the drama out of it but share the truth of your emotional status with her - that might well be the trigger for a cathartic release of lots of shit.

You need to be able to appreciate the lovely little brief moments of life, if only to give it some meaning, so don't work yourself out of all that good stuff. Tackle things one at a time, in managable chunks; if sleep is a problem, work on that first, and diet, fulfilling private hobbies, and so on. Try some sound herbal medicines, prescription meds as a fallback if need be. It's your lfe dude, nothing's so important that would warrant running yourself into the ground.

[Lotus Eater]

Thanks for taking the time to write that reply Haemoglobin.

After a stinker of a day at work, I get home to my wife who says she's packing in her job (low-paying part-time job) which
we can afford, really.
I am OK with this - less burden on us both ( no more of her with the job and me with being the house-husband when at home.)
We co-wrote her resignation letter and she's handing it in tomorrow.
It feels a relief for both of us.

Sometimes things turn out for the better without you having to force anything..

I must face the fact that me and my wife need to work on catching ourselves a break too; as you say Haemoglobin.

As always with depression, you can have dark days... and less dark days.

[zamagiure]

Have developed tinnitus and it driving me to insanity. I just cant cope with the consant barrage of noise. Ive been having bad anxiety and panic attacks. Ive seen my doctor today and he says there is no cure, so he give me some pills for 4 days to see if i can settle down.  I keep thinking i cannot live the rest of my life like this and dont know what im going to do. Tramping the streets at all hours is the only relief i can get.

[Rysoph76]

Thanks for taking the time to write that reply Haemoglobin.

After a stinker of a day at work, I get home to my wife who says she's packing in her job (low-paying part-time job) which
we can afford, really.
I am OK with this - less burden on us both ( no more of her with the job and me with being the house-husband when at home.)
We co-wrote her resignation letter and she's handing it in tomorrow.
It feels a relief for both of us.

Sometimes things turn out for the better without you having to force anything..

I must face the fact that me and my wife need to work on catching ourselves a break too; as you say Haemoglobin.

As always with depression, you can have dark days... and less dark days.

Good to hear that Lotus, glad you feel in a bit of a better place.

Just for future reference (and I know this sounds faintly ridiculous) but when I was going through some very bad times with my ex wife ( I know your issue is not with your wife as such but the feeling of being trapped is one I know very well) I used to find a release by just having a good old shout when I was driving somewhere on my own. You can't shout in your house cos you will alert the neighbours, you can't shout in the street because people will think you are mad but if you find yourself driving somewhere and need a release, take a 5 minute detour down some back roads and just let out a few big roars. I have always found it gets out some of the shit and helps me deal with things. Just a thought, might not work for everyone.

[Lotus Eater]

Ha! Rysoph, that's exactly what I did on the way to and back from work.
A real throats soaring shout/scream.

Mad me feel good....... then make me wonder if I was losing it ! (Just kidding)

[El Denzel Pepito]

Just feel so numb, to

This was my last post in here.

I've been having better days lately. Been keeping myself busy, kicked a bit of a developing weed habit I'll be honest, and in all truth, I've almost had days where I haven't given 'depression' a second thought, which is very rare. Today, I (finally, it's been a while) graduated university. Bit more positivity just when I needed it to be honest, feeling a lot better recently. I'd say my depressive episode has been fading away recently, but my anxiety is still obviously there. I'm acutely aware I'll always have depression, and I'm still not excitable about things - a lot of my post is still very much how I feel today - but I just have a more positive outlook on the future as a whole.

Top 'tips' for me were, well, 1) kicking the weed and developing a healthier relationship with it. I was nowhere near being an 'addict', just let it take over my life a bit for a few months to deal with shit, stupidly. 2) Exercising: I'm 100x fitter than I was when I posted the above and it's given me a self esteem boost of sorts. 3) Getting out and just dealing with life, getting used to being 'normal'... had invitations to things I'd usually say no to due to my massive anxiety and fear of fucking up during a 'performance' of sorts to make it seem like I'm happy, and although it was hard I just went with it and I'm glad I was able to embrace that. 4) Sorting out my sleep.

Small things for me but I've just sort of got on with things. It gets better.

[The Bournemouth Red]

This was my last post in here.

I've been having better days lately. Been keeping myself busy, kicked a bit of a developing weed habit I'll be honest, and in all truth, I've almost had days where I haven't given 'depression' a second thought, which is very rare. Today, I (finally, it's been a while) graduated university. Bit more positivity just when I needed it to be honest, feeling a lot better recently. I'd say my depressive episode has been fading away recently, but my anxiety is still obviously there. I'm acutely aware I'll always have depression, and I'm still not excitable about things - a lot of my post is still very much how I feel today - but I just have a more positive outlook on the future as a whole.

Top 'tips' for me were, well, 1) kicking the weed and developing a healthier relationship with it. I was nowhere near being an 'addict', just let it take over my life a bit for a few months to deal with shit, stupidly. 2) Exercising: I'm 100x fitter than I was when I posted the above and it's given me a self esteem boost of sorts. 3) Getting out and just dealing with life, getting used to being 'normal'... had invitations to things I'd usually say no to due to my massive anxiety and fear of fucking up during a 'performance' of sorts to make it seem like I'm happy, and although it was hard I just went with it and I'm glad I was able to embrace that. 4) Sorting out my sleep.

Small things for me but I've just sort of got on with things. It gets better.

Anything that make you feel better, that's the main thing here, good news that you are seeing improvements, keep it up and focus on those positives.

[AndyMuller]

Been feeling down lately due to the normal day to day life things like the job, relationship, pressure, life and yesterday I went to bed about 9.45 havig had nothing to eat for hours and was seriously contemplating getting my belt, tying it around the curtain pole and hanging myself. I shit out of it and started googling "Painless ways to kill yourself" and was having a look through that but fell asleep.

Can't stop thinking about it now though.

Sent from my SM-J320FN using Tapatalk

[Cracking Left Foot]

Been feeling down lately due to the normal day to day life things like the job, relationship, pressure, life and yesterday I went to bed about 9.45 havig had nothing to eat for hours and was seriously contemplating getting my belt, tying it around the curtain pole and hanging myself. I shit out of it and started googling "Painless ways to kill yourself" and was having a look through that but fell asleep.

Can't stop thinking about it now though.

Sent from my SM-J320FN using Tapatalk

Firstly, I hope you're ok now mate and you've managed to keep those thoughts at bay.

I've been debating with myself whether to post in this thread because I'm not even too sure I *am* depressed. I get through the day, I manage to keep a relatively active social life and on the outside, you'd never know there was anything wrong.

But this year's been hard, and it's not getting any better. The root of it is that my dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia at the start of the year. He's not been well for a while, but he's completely lost the use of his legs now, and although he's relatively compos mentis, he finds it increasingly difficult to hold a conversation. A few weeks ago, we as a family made the very difficult decision to admit him into a dementia-friendly care home (both my sister and I have left home, and although we do what we can to help, the majority of the burden of care fell upon my mum, who's 70 years old herself and can't physically put in the heavy lifting that's involved).

So he's been in this care home in Southport for about 6 weeks now. It's a fantastic place, the staff are absolutely wonderful and they look after him. But, understandably enough, he doesn't want to be there. He just wants to be at home with my mum, and with the dementia affecting his thought processes, he can't understand why he's not. We've all tried to explain to him why he's there, and I think he mostly understands, but it doesn't stop the constant feelings of sadness, guilt, anxiety and grief from bubbling away. I'm also struggling to come to terms with the fact that he's not going to be with us for much longer. I'm lucky, I'm 44, a lot of people my age have lost both their parents by now, I know that. But it still hurts to see this guy who's been my biggest influence and probably the funniest man I've ever met shrivel away to a husk.

Add to that the fact that I split up with my girlfriend in March, and there's also constant rumours at work about future redundancies. I'm not sleeping (last night I lay awake till 6am, then got up and watched Breakfast TV before managing an hour's nap before going into work), although I've managed to keep panic attacks at bay (so far) but the insomnia has left me tired and irritable with people. And although I know, hand on heart, it was the right thing to do to split up with my ex (we were arguing constantly and by the end I just felt relief when we did finish things), I still miss her three months on, and she's broken all contact with me now so I can't even talk to her as a friend.

Anyway, that's it really. Time will heal things I know, and I'm just trying to spend as much time as I can with my dad. Thanks for letting me ramble on!

[Rysoph76]

Firstly, I hope you're ok now mate and you've managed to keep those thoughts at bay.

I've been debating with myself whether to post in this thread because I'm not even too sure I *am* depressed. I get through the day, I manage to keep a relatively active social life and on the outside, you'd never know there was anything wrong.

But this year's been hard, and it's not getting any better. The root of it is that my dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia at the start of the year. He's not been well for a while, but he's completely lost the use of his legs now, and although he's relatively compos mentis, he finds it increasingly difficult to hold a conversation. A few weeks ago, we as a family made the very difficult decision to admit him into a dementia-friendly care home (both my sister and I have left home, and although we do what we can to help, the majority of the burden of care fell upon my mum, who's 70 years old herself and can't physically put in the heavy lifting that's involved).

So he's been in this care home in Southport for about 6 weeks now. It's a fantastic place, the staff are absolutely wonderful and they look after him. But, understandably enough, he doesn't want to be there. He just wants to be at home with my mum, and with the dementia affecting his thought processes, he can't understand why he's not. We've all tried to explain to him why he's there, and I think he mostly understands, but it doesn't stop the constant feelings of sadness, guilt, anxiety and grief from bubbling away. I'm also struggling to come to terms with the fact that he's not going to be with us for much longer. I'm lucky, I'm 44, a lot of people my age have lost both their parents by now, I know that. But it still hurts to see this guy who's been my biggest influence and probably the funniest man I've ever met shrivel away to a husk.

Add to that the fact that I split up with my girlfriend in March, and there's also constant rumours at work about future redundancies. I'm not sleeping (last night I lay awake till 6am, then got up and watched Breakfast TV before managing an hour's nap before going into work), although I've managed to keep panic attacks at bay (so far) but the insomnia has left me tired and irritable with people. And although I know, hand on heart, it was the right thing to do to split up with my ex (we were arguing constantly and by the end I just felt relief when we did finish things), I still miss her three months on, and she's broken all contact with me now so I can't even talk to her as a friend.

Anyway, that's it really. Time will heal things I know, and I'm just trying to spend as much time as I can with my dad. Thanks for letting me ramble on!

Sorry to hear that mate. I can't offer any wise words but my grandad who is now no longer with us and my nan, who is (in body at least) have both suffered from dementia and it is an absolute bastard. My nan was the pillar of my childhood and the rock of my whole family and to see her in the nursing home without a clue who any of us are is heartbreaking. My grandad hated watching tv and especially hated soaps as he was a big horse racing man and he saw out his days being fed food sat in a communal room being put through Eastenders and Neighbours etc (not that he really knew what was happening).

All I can say is that my nan's dementia escalated really quickly and so none of us really had that chance to tell her how much we all love her etc so try and focus on your dad as you say and try and forget about the ex as much as possible. You are still young enough (only 3 years older than me so you must be really young or else i'd be old!!!) to have plenty of years ahead of you and find someone else with whom you can have a life without the arguments.

All the best mate 

[Cracking Left Foot]

Sorry to hear that mate. I can't offer any wise words but my grandad who is now no longer with us and my nan, who is (in body at least) have both suffered from dementia and it is an absolute bastard. My nan was the pillar of my childhood and the rock of my whole family and to see her in the nursing home without a clue who any of us are is heartbreaking. My grandad hated watching tv and especially hated soaps as he was a big horse racing man and he saw out his days being fed food sat in a communal room being put through Eastenders and Neighbours etc (not that he really knew what was happening).

All I can say is that my nan's dementia escalated really quickly and so none of us really had that chance to tell her how much we all love her etc so try and focus on your dad as you say and try and forget about the ex as much as possible. You are still young enough (only 3 years older than me so you must be really young or else i'd be old!!!) to have plenty of years ahead of you and find someone else with whom you can have a life without the arguments.

All the best mate 

Thank you mate, I appreciate your kind words. It felt better getting everything out in writing to be honest.

I'm looking into counselling at the moment, I think part of the reason for the insomnia is, because I live on my own, I sit on my own and think everything through and keep turning things over in my mind. And, because I'm prone to anxiety, I usually think of the worst case scenarios and the cycle continues. I suppose I need bereavement counselling even though Dad's still with us for now. It's something that's only occurred to me over the last few weeks (Jay McKenna from Spirit of Shankly and The Anfield Wrap wrote an excellent article about it the other day) so that may well be my next step.

[Rysoph76]

Thank you mate, I appreciate your kind words. It felt better getting everything out in writing to be honest.

I'm looking into counselling at the moment, I think part of the reason for the insomnia is, because I live on my own, I sit on my own and think everything through and keep turning things over in my mind. And, because I'm prone to anxiety, I usually think of the worst case scenarios and the cycle continues. I suppose I need bereavement counselling even though Dad's still with us for now. It's something that's only occurred to me over the last few weeks (Jay McKenna from Spirit of Shankly and The Anfield Wrap wrote an excellent article about it the other day) so that may well be my next step.

It's definitely worth seeing someone as my mum has suffered from insomnia for as long as i've been old enough to know about it (she is 66 now). Her and my dad split up when I was a kid and she has never met anyone else so she sleeps on her own and mulls everything over from every angle and ends up not sleeping. She was the youngest of 9 kids but has seen her mum and dad, 5 sisters and a brother pass away and each time it has hit her hard. She has lived on her own for the last 11 years since her sister that I grew up living with died and she has got worse since then and can turn even the slightest incident into a massive issue by turning it over and over in her head.

She ended up retiring early (she was a teacher) because she just couldn't keep going in to work on the back of 2 or 3 hours sleep so the sooner you can address it the better. She has sleeping tablets that could fell a horse but they still don't work for her (I know because I had half of one on a flight to Australia and slept for 12 hours!!).

[AndyMuller]

What are people's experience on taking Citalopram? Currently prescribed Citalopram 10mg and been taking them for about a month now. I'm not sure if they are actually helping my mood but before I was on them I was having suicidal thoughts with the event of being sent to the doctor from work and staying off work sick until eventually leaving last week as I didn't want to keep them hanging on for me to return as I had no intentions to in the end.

Not having those thoughts now by all means but still very much down. Waiting for counselling to get back to me to arrange a one to one session.

[Jonathan Hall ☆☆☆☆☆☆]

After two high profile suicides (Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington), please remember to try and talk to someone if you are struggling. It's not easy (i know as i never take notice of my own advice) but please try and talk to someone, any help is a way to keep going.

[Spezialo]

Do people sometimes feel like you would just rather be curled up in a ball at home or something? You don't really get excited about anything, but you enjoy it when actually doing it. not really willing to get in conversations with people, not a long one anyway. Sometimes abrupt with loved ones if they are only asking you a question?

[Haemoglobin]

Do people sometimes feel like you would just rather be curled up in a ball at home or something? You don't really get excited about anything, but you enjoy it when actually doing it. not really willing to get in conversations with people, not a long one anyway. Sometimes abrupt with loved ones if they are only asking you a question?

Curling up in a ball is a bit of a waste of time unless you're in particularly cold conditions, but as for the rest of it, of course people feel like that. Healthy people, as well as unhealthy people.

Feeling reticent, craving escape from society and to indulge in some solitude, or sadness even, is not in itself a mental illness. Our world can often take some processing, it makes sense sometimes to not be arsed with others for a bit. As long as you come back safely to your loved ones from your little lonely trips now and then, all's cool. Becoming a complete recluse works for some individuals, spiritually speaking, but if it's something prompted purely by dark feelings of alienation, disconnection and suchlike, self-diagnosed anhedonia or what have you, brought on by the compromised thought processes of an unwell mind, well that never really helped anyone. It's no solution, in that case, and staying in touch with humanity is better, however difficult it may seem at times.

Talk candidly to someone who you know cares for you, and request some time and space if you need it.

[Spezialo]

Thanks for the reply mate

[Peabee]

After two high profile suicides (Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington), please remember to try and talk to someone if you are struggling. It's not easy (i know as i never take notice of my own advice) but please try and talk to someone, any help is a way to keep going.

I told my partner recently I was having suicidal thoughts.  It did help, but I was reticent about talking about it as you don't want to lay that bombshell on someone you love and have them worry.  But I've found talking about it helps me realise it's not a good idea.  I think keeping these thoughts to yourself could change your thought processes, so as to start to normalise the idea that it could be a logical solution. 

What are people's experience on taking Citalopram? Currently prescribed Citalopram 10mg and been taking them for about a month now. I'm not sure if they are actually helping my mood but before I was on them I was having suicidal thoughts with the event of being sent to the doctor from work and staying off work sick until eventually leaving last week as I didn't want to keep them hanging on for me to return as I had no intentions to in the end.

Not having those thoughts now by all means but still very much down. Waiting for counselling to get back to me to arrange a one to one session.

They worked for me, but I had to increase to 20mg.  I stayed on them for a year, but came off them 2 months ago and I've reverted to how I was, so may have to go back on them. 

[kesey]

I think the thing about depression and suicidal thoughts is speaking about does help , it really does .

You are not alone . Everybody has thoughts like this at some point.

Get onto the vitamin B12 which is best taken in injections or with the oral spray .

Meditation... Yoga .... lay off the ale too...

[Fiasco]

Hello darkness my old friend. This time of the year tends to send me into dark pit of despair and I am here yet again. I would rant to even offload but it wont be anything new that I haven't wrote in this thread already. It is just the incessant pain of life that is halting any progress that I make. Everything is fleeting, I have little structure. I don't want to do anything but sleep. If I'm asleep then I feel as if I cant feel the pain of being awake. Being awake is hurtful and I am an emotional wreck, I'm subdued, quiet, occasionally angry and very tearful.

I don't know how to fix it. I never will I don't think. Soldiering on is hard to do but the alternative would cause too much destruction to people who don't need it. I just want the pain to subside, even for a little while.

[Anywhichwayicant]

Anyone, I'm always here.

I won't have the answers, but anyone looking to vent or talk, I'm here.

[Red Beret]

Not exactly down... well I am...  made a lot of good progress since finishing therapy, but I'm tired a lot.  Adulting is hard - lots of stuff seems to take a lot more effort than it should.

I'm doing loads of positive things, especially trying to get off the ground as a commercial artist, but I feel so dejected about being single.  I just don't feel able to connect with women and dating sites have been useless to me.  Doesn't help that I have feelings for somebody who doesn't feel the same way back.

Since my family cut me off I feel I have actually prospered a bit.  It's hard going missing my mum and wondering what my departed dad would make of it all.  But I still feel somewhat empty and worthless

[Billy The Kid]

I'm doing loads of positive things, especially trying to get off the ground as a commercial artist

What kind of commercial artist ?

[Red Beret]

What kind of commercial artist ?

Well mostly I'm trying to sell my doodles, but although people are often intrigued by them, they're less inclined to put their hand in their pocket for them.  So I'm incorporating the doodles into Liverpool landmarks.

I'll have several different versions in several different formats.  I've only just started this one so it's quite incomplete, but it gives you a basic idea of what I'm working on.

It's my only real lifeline to becoming financially independent since my mental illness and BPD diagnosis, so I am looking for a way to make it work.

[Rysoph76]

Anyone been in a situation where they are in an office job and you get to a point where it's almost like you can't function any more, as in not being able to type or do even the basics without a real effort? Stupid question but for the past 3 months or so that's the situation I have found myself in so I wondered if I was alone.

Had a really tough last few months with problems with my kids and also my other half having a miscarriage and I feel kind of like I have broken inside.

I come into work and I just sit on RAWK cos it's the only escape I have from the bullshit. I can't speak to my other half about it really as she is heartbroken about the loss of the baby and I don't really want to go the doctor. 

Problem is i'm kind of trapped in this job because i've been here 9 years and been promoted so my job pays much more than I would get elsewhere and i'm not in central London so I can ride in. Also the hours mean that it suits my school run duties cos I can do 8.30-4 or 9.30-5.

Sorry for the moan, I just feel lost and it's easier to tell people online than in real life!!