Yule Never Walk Alone this Christmas folks! My Advent Fixture Calendar tells me it's time for the:
FESTIVAL OF NINE LESSONS & CAROLS Date: 6th December 2005
Venue: St. Amford's, Fulham Road
Time: 7.45 pm
A floodlit service of traditional chantings and carols.
Featuring: The World Famous Kop Away Choir & the "Silent Night" Shed (sponsored by Slumberland).
Cost: About £45 in the collection plate, but worth it just to see Mourinho incensed, as he realises Roman's candles are without a prayer of topping the group.
Reverend Father Rafael Benitez will lead the congregation.
1st Carol: Oh Come all ye Faithful Joyful and triumphant
Oh come ye, Oh come ye
To Aaaan-field
Come and behold them
They're the Kings of Europe!
Oh come let us adore them,
Oh come let us adore them,
Oh come let us adore them,
Li-i-verpool !
1st Lesson: Genesis 1, verse 20 On the sixth day, later renamed as "Matchday Six", would you Adam & Eve it me arl Chelsea Chinas, God created mankind and mankind can make NOISE!! It may be a "Silent Night" over where you're sitting, but what you can see and hear in this bit of the ground is called an "atmosphere".
2nd Carol: Once in Royal Kenny's City we Battered the Boys from The Shed2nd Lesson: Rafa's Interview May 4th, the year of our Lord 2005. The Gospel Truth According to Sheila The ball was over the line. Rafa's secretary Sheila says so, the linesman said so, all of us who were in line saw it with our own eyes... While Andy Gray watched the box by night, all bitter fat & round, the angelic Luis Garcia scored, and Glory Shone Around. The best team over the 2 legs won, and you won't be winning tonight either.
3rd Carol: Who the F***ing Hell are You?/ You've got No History3rd Lesson: Genesis 1 It's worth re-capping that in the beginning there was only Darkness and Shadow till on the First day God created Light. But you'll be forever in our Shadow, because ...
4th Carol: We are the Champions! Champions of Europe!4th Lesson: Proverbs 23, verse 5 "Wilt thou set thine eyes upon riches, which make themselves wing and fly away as an eagle toward heaven?" Yes, Chelsea may be rich... but riches will pass and bring no eternal rewards. We are the current reigning champions of Europe and we shall make it as hard as possible for you to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
5th Carol: We've Won it 5 timesThe congregation will join in waving fingers and inflatable European cups before the 5th lesson.
5th Lesson: Matthew 2, verses 1 - 11 Five stars now shine above the Liverbird to inspire us all. The wise men who run our club were led long ago by such a star to John McKenna, the same star that guided them to Huddersfield to find Bill Shankly, and to Bishop Auckland for Bob Paisley. Recently it has guided them southwards for the Divine Rafael ... and hereafter it will guide us to
Gay PareeAncient Greece Moscow, where we'll win it 6 times.
6th Carol: On the first day of Christmas my True Love sent to me a Pepe in our goal! On the second day of Christmas my True Love sent to me 2 Steve Finnans and a Pepe in our goal. On the third day of Christmas my True Love sent to me 3 John Arne Riises, 2 Steve Finnans and a Pepe in our goal ... (etc)
6th Lesson: Psalms 33, verse 2 "Praise Him at all times with music!"
Because even some arl song that we might one day drag out of mothballs for a laugh (if yer lucky) is better than
any of yours. So stick that up yer meadow and mow it (and the celery too while you're at it).
7th Carol: We all Dream of a Team of Carraghers7th lesson: the Epistle of St. James the Just "He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much". In other words yer honest unsung heroes, the ones who don't cheat (or go in to deliberately hurt an opponent, Monsieur Essien) are the greatest heroes. Jamie's blocking everything tonight and Sami's got Drogba in his pocket just like in May.
8th Carol: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the Way - oh what fun it is to see Liverpool play away Well it was fun in our end anyway. Boring, boring Scousers - just like Istanbul !
8th Lesson: Hebrews 13, verse 2 "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers with great and ungrudging hospitality: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares." Come on you 'orrible SW London stewards ...Where's the spirit of good will? Happy Christmas (Hooliganism is Over).
9th Carol (medley): Show Them the Sleigh to Go Home, Sleet on the Cockneys, Poor Santa Tommy, Ra-Rafa Benitez, Ring of Fire, YULE Never Walk Alone (etc)9th Lesson: Luke 2, verses 8-16 The
shepherds sheep gather round the
manger manager for the post-match interview with the Messiah & ask him who Liverpool would like in the next round. "At Liverpool we are afraid of nobody ... Jamie Carragher wants Real Madrid and he has taught me a new English phrase - 'bring 'em on. And all at Liverpool FC would like to take this festive opportunity to wish Manchester Buccaneers good luck in trying to get a UEFA Cup place ... at this moment we have every faith that they do still have a small outside chance." *
[ *postscript - let us spare a thought at this time of goodwill for those who have little to less than us to look forward to in the New Year and sing extra loud for them : "... Five Times, and in Gay Paree, we'll win it Six Times ..."]
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Unfortunately we were not able to include ALL your favourite carols in the order of service but we'll try to find a bit of time (maybe about 4 or 5 minutes
) added on at the end of the 90 for:
"Ding dong merrily on High
In Liverpool the bells are ringing
Ding dong verily the sky
Is riven with Kopites singing.
Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ria !! our Rafa he hates Chelskii !
Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ria !! our Rafa he hates Chelskii !"and
I'm dreaming of a Red Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where trophies glisten
And children listen
To Liverpool songs in Tokyo..." and perhaps even :
Hark! the Kopite voices sing
Glory to the new-born King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild
Right wing problems reconciled!
Joyful, all ye nations, rise,
Join the GIANT of the skies
With the Anfield host proclaim
Crouch has scored & scored again!and for a final encore :
"Know well, know well, the Kopites know well
OOUUR NEEW KIING IS RAAFAAEL !!" ********************************
It's a tradition... a ritual... it's the Spirit of Christmas past, which hopefully will live on in Christmas future. An exercise in expressing your faith, a faith renewed - a living faith. What did you expect - entertainment ?
© nige 2005