You know, I really wouldn't mind a flick with very '70s/'80s visual & thematic high-fantasy sensibilities (love some of the framing, colourisation and font{!} in that trailer there), but which takes itself
deadly seriously.
Yous feel me? Like a totally pre-irony era vibe. Not so grim & gritty in visual style, instead choc full of strobing neon colour & magic, but just still very
severe in tone. Harsh, stony, zero-light-relief blood & sorcery. 18 cert, heads getting lopped off and the life slowly fading from their expression, face-tattooed shredded viking wizards ripping ribcages open with their black spells and eating their still-beating hearts for increased power, impossibly beautiful & athletic (and all-but-naked, obv) valkyries spearing golems in the dick while riding lustrous jewel-encrusted winged chariots, tiny-loinclothed Arnies unceremoniously ripping off arms for their enchanted gauntlets...
https://www.youtube.com/v/gxzKTbu-aR0Frank Frazetta, Roger Dean,
Golden Axe, spacey psychedelia, all pumped in there. Just an uncompromisingly brutal neon-soaked
Conan/Ulysses 31/Dark Souls/Legend/Knightmare mash-up basically, not much to ask for is it.
And without a wink or ironic wisecrack to be found anywhere. To hell with modern sensitivities, both the male & female warriors are scantily-clad and objectified, the represented diverse races are all distinctly tribal and unintegrated; no one's fighting for any noble ideal, and the ones who are just get crushed by the merciless forces of darkness. Everything in the world is simultaneously horrible and beautiful, cruel and enchanting. No Shire, no jaunty flute motifs, just blaring warhorns and the crunch of axe-meeting-bone in a kaleidoscopic haze of intense boy's own back-of-school-notebook sexually-charged fantasy earnestness.
This is what I want.