The situation as I see it is like some horrific, heart-wrenching chick flick.
We wrongfully dumped our girlfriend who gave us the best sex we've had in 20 years because one night she came home and decided she was too tired despite guaranteeing us hot passionate sex for another time. We were spoilt. A lot of us demanded more sex but she just couldn't deliver, certainly not under the strain of mass public disputes with our parents who wanted her gone for a couple of years and even tried to replace her once with Susan Boyle.
She emotionally left for Italy where a slick Italian fello was looking for a new girl to do a steady job even though it would be impossible for her to measure up to the previous bird who had done everything in the bedroom.
Meanwhile we moped about a bit, perhaps shouted explicits at our parents for forcing her out, "Yes we've had a poor year together but think of all the memories we shared. How can we possibly find someone better?!"
"Don't worry sons, we've got for you an even better girl, the LMA girl of the year, she's not really a looker, heck her personality leaves a lot to be desired but what you need is stability right now and we've got just the girl."
And so a tumultuous relationship began. The girl knew she was out of her depth from day one. We tried to see the positives but with every passing week she grated more and more on us. She would come home and say "Why do we need to have sex? Judge me in the bedroom after a year and not tonight, I've done wonderful things in here with my previous boyfriend, once he nearly got his condom almost on but it was just a second too late."
Whilst swigging a bottle of whisky one night we sat reclined on our sofa watching the news and noticed that our previous girlfriend, the one we've been pining the loss of in comparison to our new bimbo, was having a tough time as well. She didn't have the glint in her eye that we had seen so often in our home city. She didn't suit her new boyfriend and our new girlfriend definitely didn't suit us.
One night we recieved news our former beauty had returned. She invited us round for tea, "We'll be right over!" We exclaimed in excitement. We hurriedly grabbed our coat and put our shoes on, opened the front door, were about to excitedly step out when we heard a noise:
"And just where do you think you're going?"
It was Roysalina.
We dejectedly closed the door, hung our coat back up and like lambs being sent to the slaughter, slowly followed her upstairs for another night of abject failure.