Manchester United v Liverpool.
Theatre of Agents Dreams.
Saturday 12th September
5:30PM Kick OffTwo years ago it was us taking the piss out of them in their own back yard. Last season it was them doing it to us. This season?
The season has started with two not very convincing wins, a draw and a good old fashioned drubbing. Sound familiar? It should do, because both us and them have had eerily identical starts to the season. But after the last week or so, it would be remiss of me not to take the piss out of the c*nts before I address our own shortcomings.
A Fooell And His Van Gold Are Easily Parted With Ed Woodward in charge of the purse strings, they spent like crazy. It seems that Woodward wanted to bring his own reputation as a transfer guru on par with that of Rick Parry and Damian Comolli, just to even up the field in how cack handed we’ve been with transfers for a good few years. He managed to make them the laughing stock of the transfer window by linking them to every world class player whose name he could spell. Woodward was chasing around Spain trying to collect superstar signatures worse than a kid with a few blanks spaces left in his Figurini Panini sticker book, and about 500 shiny gold Norwich badges and 50 Mike Hooper stickers left to swap for them. Unfortunately he got turned down more than a midget rockabilly’s drainpipes when his big brother borrows them. But his highlight this year was overpaying by a mile for a young kid while simultaneously managing to look like the soft c*nt in the office who paper jams the printer. Why buy proven Champions League winning talent for £22 million when you can buy unproven for a whole lot more? Getting rid of one wantaway goalie and replacing him with a top class one, and still pocketing a few bob sounds like a fantastic deal for a player they'll soon have to lose for nothing and would seem to be one of the easiest transfers of the day. Not so. That was way too easy, so instead, Ed decides to see how close to the deadline he can make the transfer last. Unfortunately for him, it was about half an hour too late.
To be fair though, Woodward alone wasn’t to blame for their transfer woes in the summer. It was easier finding a country that America hadn’t started a war with than finding a player from a nation that Louis Van Space Hopper Head hadn’t abused. He’s alienated more Spaniards than General Franco, so targets were quick to distance themselves from his overtures. Seriously, how much of a fascist do you have to be to be rejected by historically fascist countries like Germany and Spain? Unsurprisingly, they did manage to get an Italian and a Frenchie, countries not renowned for their hard fought resistance, to surrender to their will, which is about as hard as Hugh Hefner’s wrinkly cock without the Viagra and coke. They did manage to sign one dour faced but efficient German champion though, who’ll recreate the spirit of the Luftwaffe by pinpointing another aerial attack on Belgian, French and English heads in keeping with the great pheeelllosopheeee, which seems like an analogy of WWII. Well if it’s a war you want, who do you think you are kidding Mr Van Gaal?
The Goalies - Idle Hands Make Shite WorkWhat a fucking palaver this has been. They’ve got one world class goalie who doesn’t want to play for them, and one world cup playing, butter fingered buffoon of a goalie who everybody other than their fans is happy that he’s playing for them. Unless teen wolf De Gea gets his mental act together, it looks like they’re stuck with this joker Cesar Romero in goal. To top that off, they’ve got a goalie who has won every major honour at club and international level, and he’s about as welcome in the dressing room as Van Gaal’s “last chicken in Tesco” ball bag trick. Van Gaal always likes to make the difficult choices doesn’t he? “Shall I save a specialist goalie sub in case this goes to penalties? Would I trust Ryan Giggs or Wayne Rooney more with my wife if I was late at the office? Shall I play one of the top 3 keepers in the world, one of the most decorated keepers in the world, or that c*nt who moves his hands like Marty McFly trying to do his zip up?”
Defence - Bland leading D BlindCredit where it’s due; the Italian lad at right back is good. After that though, you’ve got Fatty Shaw at left back that looks surprisingly like the singer out of 80’s Welsh rockers The Alarm. In the centre though, that’s where things turn even more mediocre. Smalling and Blind are not a great pairing, but even better, they look like a pair of twats out of one of those unfunny buddy cop movies. You know the ones I mean, the ones where the script always seems to be that they’ll only come good against bumbling bank robbers, but you just know that they’ll fuck up against an evil genius. We’ll just have to hope that our front three are criminal masterminds for this game.
Attack - They call me... They call me Neymar
They call me Pedro
They call me Muller
They call me Bale
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
This is the most puzzling of all for me. They’ve just spunked what could eventually be around £90 million on two players who are young and may have potential, but equally might have the potential to flop faster than a granny's tits when her bra comes off. One of them doesn’t want to be called by his name, while the other one, nobody even recognised the name before Jim White started jizzing on air about him, and even his new partner Rooney doesn’t even know who he is. You can well imagine the scenes at training on Wednesday when Rooney could well have said “So where’s Bale Benzema and Higuain to partner me? Martial? Who the fuck is he?” I’m calling it now, Mancs will keep going on about his potential and how he’ll be better than Ronaldo and Messi combined, but these c*nts have been stitched up more than the woman who had 8 kids’ gash.
Now a bit of introspection about us, in the hope that the shortcomings we saw last week aren’t exposed again.
Better To Have Lovrened And Lost Than To Never Have Lovrened At All? Well wasn’t that opium addled twat, Tennyson, just full of shit. If we’d started with just ten men last week against West Ham, we’d have probably had a better chance. Dijon “Mustard” Lovren rightly got some plaudits in the previous matches, and deserves every brickbat for last week’s performance; in fact, I’m surprised he didn’t get a couple of halfies to the side of his head. Seeing him trying to dribble that ball on the bye line was like looking at Salty the Sea Lion trying to juggle a beach ball after a dart gun of Ketamine to the jugular. The calls for Sakho to return are reaching deafening point, so does Brendan heed the calls or does he stick to his gut instincts that Lovren is the man for the job. Or does he just stick a shiv in Lovren's guts to clear a space for Sakho’s return. All will be revealed, but whoever plays in the centre of defence, they need to play better than the fucking Chuckle Brothers On Tour display that we saw against West Ham.
Don’t Lucas Back In AngerI think a huge percentage of us were relieved to see Lucas still here at the end of the transfer window, With that in mind though, was the formation right against West Ham to begin with, and did we need him on the pitch? Probably not considering that we could have thrown an extra attacker on due to them doing an impersonation of an under siege Michael Caine and his mates in Zulu, and just hitting us on fast counter attacks. Let’s be honest, Lucas is like having a wife with a flabby arse – built for comfort, not for speed, so I do worry about him playing teams with fast counter attacks unless he's got some decent support in place. This match though, we’re probably going to have to be more compact in the middle, so Lucas might be the key to that. Could Lucas transform from being surplus to requirements to the saviour of Old Trafford?
Coutinho To The QuickTwo undeserved sendings off in one game is poor form isn’t it? But I’m not arsed about Noble; what I am arsed about is that our baby faced assassin is going to miss the game. Our creative juices are in danger of being drier than a Farley’s Rusk. The first four games, we've looked a little bit toothless at times and haven't managed to create a huge number of chances. With little Phil taking an enforced leave of absence, it's down to others to supply the ammunition and convert it. Time for Ibe to run them ragged, Banned Turkey to give the Keystone Cops at centre half a torrid time, and our new Brazilian boy to write himself into Liverpool folklore
Interesting Manufactured Statistics Time:1. Romero flaps at balls more each match than the entire sea lion population of Knowsley Safari Park flap at fishes in an average day.
2. Luke Shaw has lost 30 pound since joining the Mancs, and £30 sterling is the exact price Rooney supposedly paid for his first brass.
3. Martial is so expensive, Ferguson could have bought three leagues for the same price.
4. Dejan Lovren has completed more unsuccessful dribbles than a prostrate repair surgeon.
5. Christmas Banned turkey’s head has connected with more balls than Elton John’s top lip.
Verdict
We’ll twat these wonga wasting c*nts.
