Topic: For REAL Relationship Issues. NOT your latest childish Tinder/Grindr FAIL!!!!!!!

[kaz1983]

Well my girlfriend of a year and half has recently told me that she cheated on me. It was a one time thing, a one time mistake (I honestly believe that, which she has said to me - it meant nothing etc etc..).

The reason this happened was a letter I wrote just after we started going out (she hasn't used that letter as a justification for the cheating, just that this all happened in the aftermath of finding and reading that letter..), it was how I meet this girl by chance on holiday - how she slightly turned my head and caught my interest, without the baggage of having a child (I never said that, but maybe that is how the letter read to a woman?). My girlfriend is from the Philippines, we meet on the internet nearly 2 years ago. Since then I've been the Philippines twice, first for a holiday June 2012 for eight weeks (first to meet my girlfriend, then meet up and stay with my friend who is Scottish for 6 weeks.) and just recently was living with my girlfriend for 6 months - November to May. Apart from that we have keep in contact pretty much daily, in some way or another for the last 1 1/2 years.

Anyways back to that letter, it upset her heaps and confirmed what she always thought (rightly or wrongly) - something happened between me and this girl (who she knows about) - I've always denied anything happened there tho' - whilst I was on holiday in 2011. She is also self conscious about having a child young, that at first she was worried that it might be the difference between us going out and me not wanting to/finding some else. In other words after reading that letter she wasn't thinking straight and we weren't together/in the same room to sit down, talk things through until everything settles - we understand each other. Just sending each other quickly rushed emails back and forth is what we did, all we could do. For me it was alright but I'm the pragmatic one - she is very emotional, she has before done/said stuff without thinking - on emotion (everyday shit, nothing like this tho'..)  ........ if she was a pragmatic thinker and cheated, to me that would make things far worse IMO - I dunno I may be wrong but that's how I feel.

I've read on the net, ''if a significant amount of time has passed since the incident (3 months, the letter 1 1/2 years ago..) then weigh up what has been built since with what you would lose''.

Right now tho - I'm letting things sink in, not rushing into anything and just giving myself time.

But my question is:

Does the fact that this was a one off thing and that this happened in a period of time when our relationship was on the rocks from that letter my girlfriend found and read, coupled with my denying anything ever happened whilst on holiday for six weeks, over year ago ... my girlfriend being the emotional type, the distance between us and her telling me. As well as ''.... what we have built together since vs what I would lose.''

Should I be understanding and take that into consideration? ...... or is cheating, cheating?

[Sir Harvest Fields]

Uhhhh, cheating is cheating.

[kaz1983]

Uhhhh, cheating is cheating.

Yeah well it is, I agree. Never said it wasn't but I get where your coming from. That said hardly anything in life is black and white. Depends on the person, the circumstances etc etc... well I'm starting to think that way.

[BSBW]

First of all can I just say well done for confiding something so personal amongst your circle of friends on here, particularly during what appears to be a fairly traumatic period in the romantic aspects of your life. Rest assured, what's said on RAWK, stays on RAWK!

There is a fair amount of experience to be found and relied upon throughout the RAWK community, much of it from individuals, who like you, have had to navigate similar potentially traumatic major romantic crossroads in their lives; I recall one previous enchanting post that had the cherubs sporadically shooting their arrows throughout the feisty spring RAWK air, it was a situation where two souls connected in one of the most unlikeliest of places - Gregg's bakery doorway. It may have just been a doorway to most of us, but to them it was heaven, mainly due to the  aromas of the next day's succulent sausage rolls firing up in the oven and over powering the smell of the young Romeo's probing particulars.   

Many years ago, when I was on the romantic merry-go-round of not knowing where "it" would be better placed, I sometimes looked elsewhere for guidance and inspiration, often having to think outside the box. The answer is out there BMW mate, you just have to know where to look........have you considered Bonjella?

[kaz1983]

First of all can I just say well done for confiding something so personal amongst your circle of friends on here, particularly during what appears to be a fairly traumatic period in the romantic aspects of your life. Rest assured, what's said on RAWK, stays on RAWK!

There is a fair amount of experience to be found and relied upon throughout the RAWK community, much of it from individuals, who like you, have had to navigate similar potentially traumatic major romantic crossroads in their lives; I recall one previous enchanting post that had the cherubs sporadically shooting their arrows throughout the feisty spring RAWK air, it was a situation where two souls connected in one of the most unlikeliest of places - Gregg's bakery doorway. It may have just been a doorway to most of us, but to them it was heaven, mainly due to the  aromas of the next day's succulent sausage rolls firing up in the oven and over powering the smell of the young Romeo's probing particulars.   

Many years ago, when I was on the romantic merry-go-round of not knowing where "it" would be better placed, I sometimes looked elsewhere for guidance and inspiration, often having to think outside the box. The answer is out there BMW mate, you just have to know where to look........have you considered Bonjella?

Well I'd prefer a mouth ulcer over this, if that's what you mean? .. that I agree with, deffo........

[Roady]

hahahahahahahahah!

In all seriousness once a cheat always a cheat.Its that simple.If she has done it once she will do it again.I dont want to come across as non emotional but its true.If she had it in her to do it once,she will cheat on you again.

I was engaged to a girl years ago who cheated on me,she begged me for gorgiveness.I left our home the next day whilst she went to work early and never went back.Ive no time for cheaters at all.If you dont want to be in a relationship dont be in one,but dont cause pain and break someones heart by cheating.If your tempted you dont want to be in a relationship is my view.We can all look at the opposite sex and think my shes fit or whatever,but if you remotely cross the line and try and cheat theres no point being with the person your with IMO.

To me it is very black and white.Anyone ever cheats on me im out the door regardless of how much im in love.They will do it again,theres simply no excuse for it ever.

My honest opinion,wise up and move on.Shes a cheat,youve cheated on her, clearly you dont belong together. Sorry to be a doom merchant.

[adopted_scouser]

Agree with others. Circumstances etc mean nothing. Cheating is cheating. get rid.

[kaz1983]

hahahahahahahahah!

In all seriousness once a cheat always a cheat.Its that simple.If she has done it once she will do it again.I dont want to come across as non emotional but its true.If she had it in her to do it once,she will cheat on you again.

I was engaged to a girl years ago who cheated on me,she begged me for gorgiveness.I left our home the next day whilst she went to work early and never went back.Ive no time for cheaters at all.If you dont want to be in a relationship dont be in one,but dont cause pain and break someones heart by cheating.If your tempted you dont want to be in a relationship is my view.We can all look at the opposite sex and think my shes fit or whatever,but if you remotely cross the line and try and cheat theres no point being with the person your with IMO.

To me it is very black and white.Anyone ever cheats on me im out the door regardless of how much im in love.They will do it again,theres simply no excuse for it ever.

My honest opinion,wise up and move on.Shes a cheat,youve cheated on her, clearly you dont belong together. Sorry to be a doom merchant.

Nah I never cheated on her, just put my thoughts a piece of paper. It cross my mind, I never did.

But I get the gist of it, will give it thought. You don't want it to turn into a relationship of 'convenience', stay together for the wrong reasons etc..

[Roady]

ah right sorry mate!

Yeah to be honest each to their own.I could just never ever trust someone who has cheated on me.I just could not stay with them.Im sure there are relationships out there that have worked after someone has cheated but I certainly couldnt deal with it.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Circa1892]

In all seriousness once a cheat always a cheat.Its that simple.If she has done it once she will do it again.I dont want to come across as non emotional but its true.If she had it in her to do it once,she will cheat on you again.

Is right. It's NEVER a one-off and it never means nothing. Might seem like a heartless way of putting it but it's ultimately true. Once someone's cheated once, and broken down those barriers it's much easier to do it again.

[CraigDS]

I don't really buy the "once a cheat, always a cheat" thing. Every situation is different, and every relationship is different. I suppose it depends on what you both want out of the relationship both now and in the future, and what your relationship status was when you cheated on each other. I can't say it sounds very much like you are two people who are destined to spend the rest of your lives together, but then that's not a concept I tend to subscribe to these days anyway. And if you're both happy with what the relationship provides you right now (quite difficult in a long-distance thing, IMO) - then there's no reason why you can't just accept it and move on, without worrying about the bigger picture of Living Happily Ever After. Just depends what your expectations are, I suppose.

I agree with this.

The once a cheat, always a cheat thing is a bit of a generalisation, some people do genuinely do it and realise their mistake and don't do it again, others do.

[Roady]

I agree with this.

The once a cheat, always a cheat thing is a bit of a generalisation, some people do genuinely do it and realise their mistake and don't do it again, others do.

maybe but the fact they have it in them to do it in the first place says it all for me.I dont want to sound simplistic but when your in love with someone,regardless of the circumstances (difficult patch ,hammered drunk whatever,not getting it at home etc) you just dont cheat.You talk stuff through and try and resolve it. If you do it once the trust has gone.A healthy relationship is based on trust.Without trust there is no relationship.

[AndyInVA]

That said hardly anything in life is black and white. Depends on the person, the circumstances etc etc... well I'm starting to think that way.

couldnt agree more

its a stain on your relationship and will always be there but it depends what you want

it up to you to decide if you can get over it.

i dont really agree, once a cheat etc either, maybe if she loves you she will never do it again

[Roady]

couldnt agree more

its a stain on your relationship and will always be there but it depends what you want

it up to you to decide if you can get over it.

i dont really agree, once a cheat etc either, maybe if she loves you she will never do it again

or if she loves you she would never have done it?

[CraigDS]

maybe but the fact they have it in them to do it in the first place says it all for me.I dont want to sound simplistic but when your in love with someone,regardless of the circumstances (difficult patch ,hammered drunk whatever,not getting it at home etc) you just dont cheat.You talk stuff through and try and resolve it. If you do it once the trust has gone.A healthy relationship is based on trust.Without trust there is no relationship.

Agreed with that last bit. However I do feel trust can be built back up after someone has cheated. It takes work, and it takes the understanding and talking you mention, but it can be done, and is often.

[kaz1983]

ah right sorry mate!

Yeah to be honest each to their own.I could just never ever trust someone who has cheated on me.I just could not stay with them.Im sure there are relationships out there that have worked after someone has cheated but I certainly couldnt deal with it.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

You're right.. cheers tho'

[kaz1983]

I don't really buy the "once a cheat, always a cheat" thing. Every situation is different, and every relationship is different. I suppose it depends on what you both want out of the relationship both now and in the future, and what your relationship status was when you cheated on each other. I can't say it sounds very much like you are two people who are destined to spend the rest of your lives together, but then that's not a concept I tend to subscribe to these days anyway. And if you're both happy with what the relationship provides you right now (quite difficult in a long-distance thing, IMO) - then there's no reason why you can't just accept it and move on, without worrying about the bigger picture of Living Happily Ever After. Just depends what your expectations are, I suppose.

Yeah ask me days ago and I would of said that 'cheating is cheating... or as you said once a cheat, always a cheat' but am starting to realize it's not so black and white -there is plenty of shades of grey in there.

But yeah being in a long distance relationship does mean the future is more un-certain, I agree .... with that tho' were making steps to spend more and more time together as time passes, will we still I think only time will truly be the judge there... I would like to think so but as I've said to my girlfriend only time heals wounds. A long distance type relationship suits me atm.

As for relationships working post cheating, my sister cheated one night on her boyfriend when she was younger and they are getting married next year - that was 8 years ago. Right now they are happy own 2 houses and yeah are getting married next year, it just took time for everything to get right again.

[Trim0582]

Only you know how you feel and what you are willing to accept. The key is do you still trust her? If you trust her and want to make it work then there is a chance, if the trust is gone you might as well walk away now. Trust really is everything, my concern is that you may resent her and bring this up every time you have an argument, that's a poisonous situation for you both to be in.

Only you know if you can move forward, no one else's point of view matters.

[kaz1983]

Only you know how you feel and what you are willing to accept. The key is do you still trust her? If you trust her and want to make it work then there is a chance, if the trust is gone you might as well walk away now. Trust really is everything, my concern is that you may resent her and bring this up every time you have an argument, that's a poisonous situation for you both to be in.

That's why so far I'm not planning on forgiving and forgetting without letting time run its course. I need to get fully past it, let it fully sink in and come to terms with everything that's happened before I forgive. I have read of too many people who rush it and it just comes back in one form or another, one of them being resentment and bring it up in an argument as you mentioned.

[AndyInVA]

or if she loves you she would never have done it?

I agree again

you have to accept she does not love you totally and utterly in the kind of way most people want when they get married

again

I think you have to accept that if you pursue with this woman it may happen again and that she may never ever deep down love you in the way fairy tale marriages are

I am a total fucking cynic

I have had two shit marriages behind me and frankly I think if you stay married for 10 years you are doing OK

[Upinsmoke]

I don't agree with the once a cheat always a cheat, i was with my girlfriend only a few weeks and she cheated on me. Last week we'd been together for 9 years. In that time she's blessed me with two children, a boy and a girl. She was sorry and it was early days at the time.

It totally depends on the circumstance and you have to decide, don't get me wrong i'm not saying its fine to cheat, its never fine, its always wrong but there's alot of things that need to be taken into account and only you two individuals can kinda decide what your fate is i think.

[JerseyKloppite]

Surprised macca hasn't made an appearance yet. Can only assume it's because the transfer window doom mongerers are keeping him busy.

[Circa1892]

One thing not explored is the layers of cheating. If it's just a kiss where things get out of hand somewhere it's one thing, but if it's someone going the whole way then they have so many opportunities to stop themselves and realise what they're doing is wrong. Personally I'd never take someone back after the latter (having tried it with someone before.)

[Roady]

One thing not explored is the layers of cheating. If it's just a kiss where things get out of hand somewhere it's one thing, but if it's someone going the whole way then they have so many opportunities to stop themselves and realise what they're doing is wrong. Personally I'd never take someone back after the latter (having tried it with someone before.)

id never take someone back after "just a kiss" theres plenty of opportunity to prevent that, never mind going the whole way.I think personally you should never be in a position where a kiss with someone else is even a remote possibility if your with someone and love them.If for whatever reason you get yourself into a situation of that kind you should walk away.Its that simple for me.A kiss is cheating,so is going the whole way,either way the chances are they willl do it again or at least they are the type of person who you cant trust completely in my eyes.In which case it is senseless being with them.Doesnt matter who the person is they can always prevent a situation arising and if they loved their partner they wouldnt get into that situation in the first place.

[G1 Jockey 4(betfair)]

long distance relationship is always gonna be tough.

women have strange ways of dropping hints and this could be one of them.
were you planning on living with ther?

[lauz]

Each to their own, if you feel you can trust her again, and not bring it up in every argument/or you cheat on her and use it as an excuse, but only if she is sorry.

For some people it's a hint they want to leave the relationship because if they were happy in it they wouldn't cheat, surely? People can change and use it as a wake up call that they want to be with their partner, but some don't.

[Sir Harvest Fields]

In my own experiences i have found that ' once a cheat, always a cheat ' sums it all up. As i said ' in MY OWN experiences ' so who knows what others are like.

[usernamefc]

She told you she did it at least. If you would have found out on your own, I'd say end it right now, but the fact she admitted it to you shows regret and that she wants stay with you for the long term.

The question you should ask yourself shouldn't be "once a cheater always a cheater?", it should be "can I forgive her, will I ever be able to trust her, and does she really mean what she's saying?". The fact she told you what she did, asking for you to forgive her, wanting to stay with you, does imply that she might really mean it when she says she won't cheat on you, because it's not her trying to just cover her ass, it's her actually feeling guilt.

Can for forgive her and trust her again? If no, then end it, your relationship will just be strained if you can't, and it will likely end.

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". If she cheats on your a 2nd time at any point, that is the end point. If you can cheat, betray someone who loves you and who you "love", if feel like a disgusting person, feel horrible for what you did and then still go do it again, then there is no hope for them.

I think most people who cheat once do cheat again, but it's not always the case.

[EstonianRed]

You know mate, it is PURELY your decison you have to make. Ive grown up with my mom and dad and in fact my mom told me some 5 years ago that there were on cheating incident that involved her, she had just lost it, complete accident and now 15 years later, they are still 22 years married, happier than ever. If I wanna have a marriage, I want to have like they have honestly. There is no perfect relationship and this is not gonna be the first problem you have in this relationship, so its up to you. And just to say it, I dont believe once a cheat, always a cheat is true.. Good luck mate

[Barneylfc∗]

I've cheated on my girlfriend, and been cheated on by her. We met when I was 21 and she was 19, so pretty young. We're still together now and have a wonderful 7 year old kid together. We did split up, and anyone that reads the old relationship/ex girlfriends thread will see we've had major problems in the past. But we've got through them. Our first break up we had was a 3 month, absolutely no contact split (before our son was born). I met her sister in town and 3 days later she rang me, and within 2 weeks we were back together. Couple of years later we have a kid. Things have been rocky at times, but we decided to put a bit of effort in to fix whatever was wrong. I think she would agree that we are happier now than we've ever been.
Basically, do you and your girlfriend feel that what you have together is worth it? If neither of you feel that the other is the love of their life, just leave it and move on.

[Macphisto80]

I don't get this word "cheat" when it comes to going off and shagging someone else behind your supposed loved ones back. That word is better and more aptly used for something like sports, or games or something like that. To me, going behind someone's back regardless of circumstance and getting more than cozy with someone between the bed sheets deserves a more fitting word. As for the excuse of "oh, it was a mistake"! A mistake? A fucking mistake? A mistake is when you make a typo, put an odd pair of socks on, shit the bed or something. Not get your mates bird in the sack. How the fuck is that a mistake? The way I see it is this: if a person does well and truly love someone else, then there is nothing that can make them even think about going behind their loved ones back and banging someone else, nevermind actually going and doing it. Na. No excuses whatsoever. Tell her to get to fuck. But that's just me. From my experience, giving people another chance only allows them to make a c*nt out of you again in the future. You're your own man. Gotta make the decision yourself.

[SMASHerano]

If she loved you enough, she wouldn't have cheated on you. My point of view, sorry if it sounds harsh. The world won't end if you break up with her, there are a lot of nice girls out there who can make you happy and not cheat on you.

[Chakan]

I have one thing I will not tolerate in a relationship and that's infidelity. You cheat on me, I kick you to the curb and move on.

"I was drunk" is a circumstance not an excuse.

Also with it being a long distance relationship your thoughts are going to be consumed with what she is doing now, especially if you send her a text and it takes 2 days to answer you. Your first thought will be "what took her so long to answer".

But at the end of the day it's your call mate.

[usernamefc]

I think the big thing for me is the time in the relationship she did it.

A lot of people are saying "if she truly loved you, she wouldn't have cheated". Considering it was a few months after you decided to start dating, and you had already mentioned about getting your head turned, I doubt either of you were "in love" with each other, there probably wasn't those strong feelings back then.

Now it's not like you've been dating a few months, you've been dating over a year, and you probably do love each other now, so now she realizes she cheated on someone she loved, either if she didn't at the time, and that's why she's admitted it to you.

You have to remember, it's a long distance relationship. I recently got married, to somebody I met online, who lived an 8 hour flight away from me. We talked, we liked each other for ages, but we never committed to a relationship, because they do fail a lot, because without that contact of seeing and touching a person, it can also make you feel distant emotionally, not just physically, and we didn't want to commit to each other until we knew that they were the only person we wanted to be with.

With your letter, stating that your head got turned, it may have been her thinking that you were interested in somebody else, that you needed that physical presence that you can't provide. With you guys not being "in love", she could very easily think it was just another online relationship soon to fail, like a lot of them, probably most, do.

As I said, I don't think it was her going behind her loved ones back, it was her being interested in you, and making a stupid decision because she thought that you wanted somebody else, somebody that was there, somebody that didn't have a child. Now she loves you, and feels so bad that she admitted it to you, because she now has those strong feelings for you. The only question I think you should ask yourself is "Can I get past this? Will this be a big problem for the rest of our relationship, and can she accept that I will have a fear about her doing it again". If you can accept all that, then stick with it, if not, then end it, because otherwise it will tear you guys apart eventually.

Also...

[Kenny's Jacket]

If I have this correct, you live in UK and She is in Philippines? I know this is not the question you asked on here, but how do you see things working out. Do you plan to be apart a lot and to see her when you fly over there?

In my opinion mate, that's not the basis for a long term relationship. Ive also seen guys who move to SE Asia to be  with a girl and it often doesn't work out. There is your employment situation also, getting a job in SE Asia is not easy unless you are in certain industries. The other possibility is her moving to UK, again not easy, even if you marry her. 

On the cheating thing, If she thought you cheated with the bird on holiday, it would have played with her mind a bit. Its a biy unleasr as to weather on not she does think you cheated.   

[Billy The Kid]

I'd cut my losses and end the relationship if I was you

Because the fact that she cheated will always linger over your relationship

No matter how hard you try to bury it, it will always be lingering beneath the surface gnawing away at your sense of resentment

You can't unscramble eggs. It happened, and there's no changing it, no matter how rosy you try to make things going forward 

[eirwen]

Normally I'd say 'once a cheater always a cheater'.
But long distance relationships are tricky. And there is the letter which maybe led her to believe you were breaking up or something? I don't know why you would write to your gf about another girl you liked in the first place.

Anyway it's up to you. If you think things are going well now and want to give it a chance then do. But if there is always going to be a doubt in your mind whether she's cheating on you, then break it off now.
Do you have long term plans for your relationship like one of you would move to the other country though? Otherwise I don't see how it can work out.

[Billy The Kid]

But long distance relationships are tricky.

They're utterly pointless in truth

All they involve is texting, email, facebooking, and excessive shower masturbation

And the odd phone call saying "I miss you and can't wait to be with you baby", while you cry wank yourself to sleep after you hang up

I've done the long distance thing, twice. And both for long periods of time

Then I woke up and realized its nothing more than chasing a fairytale

I'd much rather bed a minger on a one night stand and blow my beans up her, than stare at a facebook picture and think

"only 4 more months to go until I hold her hand again". As if she's at home in her bed safe guarding her beaver for my impending arrival.

What utter bollox. Its easy to get caught up in romantic notions of grandeur. But lets face it, we all have urges, both male and female.

[child-in-time]

But lets face it, we all have urges, both male and female.

This. How could you know it was a one time only? It's all up to you to decide, mate, but as I stick to the already said "once a cheat, always a cheat", my advice is get rid of her.

[Grobbelrevell]

There is no single answer to the question that you've posed. It's dependant on the two of you as individuals, the expectations and feelings you have for both yourselves and each other. Not only that but your individual and collective circumstances. Everybodies opinion on this will be based on their own experiences, circumstances and expectations, and they may well be entirely different to your own.

Personally, i've never cheated, and if someone cheated on me I don't think I could ever bring myself to look past it. But then that's purely my own viewpoint on it. Yours may be different.

What i'm saying in a round about way is that whilst you're probably right to take some time to think things through properly and look at your relationship and what has happened through various eyes, at the end of the day you need to make your own decision. Noone can tell you what that decision should be because it will be unique to your own particular feelings, expectations and circumstances.

I hope it works out as you want it to, either way.