Author Topic: Jokes so bad they're punny  (Read 665108 times)

Offline Alf Garnett!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #40 on: May 4, 2016, 07:38:10 am »
Doctor: I've got good news & bad news..

Patient: Give me the bad news first

Doctor: We've cut off the wrong leg

Patient: Fucking hell what's the good news?

Doctor: Your bad leg is getting better

Offline Alan_X

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #41 on: May 4, 2016, 08:48:09 am »
"Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains..."

"Pull yourself together"

Sid Lowe (@sidlowe)
09/03/2011 08:04
Give a man a mask and he will tell the truth, Give a man a user name and he will act like a total twat.
Its all about winning shiny things.

Offline Alan_X

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #42 on: May 4, 2016, 08:49:06 am »
A man goes to see a psychiatrist. "I think I'm Tom Jones, is that normal?..."

"Well, It's not unusual..."
Sid Lowe (@sidlowe)
09/03/2011 08:04
Give a man a mask and he will tell the truth, Give a man a user name and he will act like a total twat.
Its all about winning shiny things.

Offline Alan_X

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #43 on: May 4, 2016, 08:50:45 am »
"Doctor, I think I'm a dog..."

"OK, lay down on the couch and tell me about it..."

"I can't, I'm not allowed on the couch..."
Sid Lowe (@sidlowe)
09/03/2011 08:04
Give a man a mask and he will tell the truth, Give a man a user name and he will act like a total twat.
Its all about winning shiny things.

Offline Alan_X

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #44 on: May 4, 2016, 08:51:52 am »
"Doctor, Sometimes I think I'm a teepee and sometimes I think I'm a wigwam..."

"You're too tense..."
Sid Lowe (@sidlowe)
09/03/2011 08:04
Give a man a mask and he will tell the truth, Give a man a user name and he will act like a total twat.
Its all about winning shiny things.

Offline kavah

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #45 on: May 4, 2016, 09:03:05 am »
^ Alan's got the Tommy Cooper joke book out

Offline only6times

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #46 on: May 4, 2016, 09:09:42 am »
What do you call a woman with a load of slates on her head?
Ruth.
bitter,not me.a granddad,but I'm not even 40

Offline Alan_X

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #47 on: May 4, 2016, 09:11:45 am »
What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?

Russell.
Sid Lowe (@sidlowe)
09/03/2011 08:04
Give a man a mask and he will tell the truth, Give a man a user name and he will act like a total twat.
Its all about winning shiny things.

Offline Alan_X

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #48 on: May 4, 2016, 09:12:34 am »
What do you call a woman balancing a pint of bitter on her head?

Beatrix
Sid Lowe (@sidlowe)
09/03/2011 08:04
Give a man a mask and he will tell the truth, Give a man a user name and he will act like a total twat.
Its all about winning shiny things.

Offline Alan_X

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #49 on: May 4, 2016, 09:13:11 am »
What do you call a woman balancing a pint of bitter on her head while playing snooker?

Beatrix Potter
Sid Lowe (@sidlowe)
09/03/2011 08:04
Give a man a mask and he will tell the truth, Give a man a user name and he will act like a total twat.
Its all about winning shiny things.

Offline Sudden Death Draft Loser

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #50 on: May 4, 2016, 09:13:21 am »
What do you call a woman balancing a pint of bitter on her head?

Beatrix

While playing pool?

Beatrix Potter
"The greatest argument against democracy is to have a five minute conversation  with the average voter. "

Offline Solomon Grundy

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #51 on: May 4, 2016, 09:28:17 am »
"Doctor, I think I'm a dog..."

"OK, lay down on the couch and tell me about it..."

"I can't, I'm not allowed on the couch..."

:D

Offline jed the red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #52 on: May 4, 2016, 09:57:37 am »
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?


Reg

Offline Fitzy.

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #53 on: May 4, 2016, 10:07:21 am »
What do you call a woman with fishing equipment on her head?

Annette

Offline only6times

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #54 on: May 4, 2016, 10:08:09 am »
What do you call a Chinese man with a fence on his head?

Ray Ling.
bitter,not me.a granddad,but I'm not even 40

Offline Ziltoid

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #55 on: May 4, 2016, 10:19:47 am »
What do you say to a man who's got no arms and no legs if your watch is broken? 

Have you got the time on your cock?


Offline jed the red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #56 on: May 4, 2016, 10:38:06 am »
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?

Bob

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #57 on: May 4, 2016, 10:43:59 am »
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #58 on: May 4, 2016, 10:44:36 am »
What do you get if you cross a telephone with a budgie and an elephant?

A cheep-rate trunk call..
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #59 on: May 4, 2016, 10:46:13 am »
If you've got a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other hand, what have you got?

A very worried green giant.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #60 on: May 4, 2016, 10:48:37 am »
A pavement and a truck road walk into a bar and get into an argument with a pink piece of tarmac.

The barman comes over and says to the pavement, "Watch yourself, he's a cyclepath.."
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #61 on: May 4, 2016, 10:52:44 am »
A duck walks into a bar and says, "Pint of bitter please barman.."

The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve ducks here. You'll have to leave."


The next day, the duck walks in and says, "Pint of bitter please mate.."

The barman says "Look. I've told you, we don't serve ducks here. Get lost!"


The next day the duck walks in and before he can say anything, the barman says "Right. I've had enough of you. Ask me one more time for bitter and I'll nail your beak shut!"


The duck looks at him then says, "I'd like a hammer please barman."

The barman looks confused and says "We haven't got any hammers?!"

The duck considers and then says "A bag of nails please, my dear chap."

the barman says, "We haven't got any nails"

So the duck says "A pint of bitter please.."
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #62 on: May 4, 2016, 10:55:41 am »
A Stegasaurus walks into a bar and says "Pint of your finest best bitter please, barman"

The barman serves him and hands over the pint "£10 please, sir," he says.

The Dinosaur pays him and as he goes to sit down, the bartender says "It's not often we get dinosaurs in here.."

The Stegasaurus turns round to him and says, "I'm not surprised at £10 a pint!"
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline only6times

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #63 on: May 4, 2016, 10:57:52 am »
What do the donkeys on Blackpool beach get for their lunch?

Half an hour like the rest of us.
bitter,not me.a granddad,but I'm not even 40

Offline Art Vandelay

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #64 on: May 4, 2016, 11:05:12 am »
"And on the pedestal these words appear: 'My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!' Nothing beside remains."

Offline Art Vandelay

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #65 on: May 4, 2016, 11:05:59 am »
"And on the pedestal these words appear: 'My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!' Nothing beside remains."

Offline rakey_lfc

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #66 on: May 4, 2016, 11:17:46 am »
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?       

Doug!

What's ET short for......because he has little legs!
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Offline Alf Garnett!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #67 on: May 4, 2016, 11:18:29 am »
I tried chatting a gal up last night..

Hi i said,"whats your name & where are you from"?

She said her name was Jane & before i go any further she is Lesbian.

I said "what part of Lesbi are you from"?

She said.."No no no,i'm a Lesbian-i like women"

I said "fucking hell i must be a Lesbian too"

*runs to the hills

Offline RideTheWalrus

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #68 on: May 4, 2016, 11:23:02 am »
what do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird
Pretty happy with Arse taking it.

Disappointing.
[/quote]

Offline alonsoisared

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #69 on: May 4, 2016, 11:27:28 am »
My mate started a business selling boats in his loft.

He said sails were going through the roof

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #70 on: May 4, 2016, 11:40:47 am »
A large hole has been discovered in the middle of the M62 near Leeds.

Police are looking into it
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #71 on: May 4, 2016, 11:42:31 am »
We call our office photocopier Bob Marley, because it's always jammin'
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.

Offline Alf Garnett!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #72 on: May 4, 2016, 11:45:35 am »
Burglars have broken into Everton fc's new trophy room & stolen the entire contents.

Police are looking for a man with a blue carpet.

Offline Crosby Nick

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #73 on: May 4, 2016, 11:55:41 am »
Burglars have broken into Everton fc's new trophy room & stolen the entire contents.

Police are looking for a man with a blue carpet.

Wahey! :D

Offline KERRYKOP

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #74 on: May 4, 2016, 12:06:24 pm »
What did Morrissey say while he was cooking eggs?

"That yoke isn't runny anymore!"

One of my own that one  8)

Offline Zeppelin

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #75 on: May 4, 2016, 12:25:53 pm »
Two snowmen in a field - one says to the other 'Can you smell carrots?'

Offline fingermouse

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #76 on: May 4, 2016, 12:42:41 pm »
What do you call a guy with bacon on his head?
Ham'ed.
What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head?
Mo' ham'ed
What do you call a guy with lots of bacon on his head standing between two buildings?
Mo' ham'ed alley!

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Offline Titi Camara

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #77 on: May 4, 2016, 12:51:47 pm »
What's green and smells like bacon?

Offline jed the red

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #78 on: May 4, 2016, 12:54:34 pm »
This white horse walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager, the barman says "we have got a whiskey named after you", the horse says "what, Brian?"

Offline Andy @ Allerton!

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Re: Jokes so bad they're funny
« Reply #79 on: May 4, 2016, 01:06:43 pm »
Why did the mummy bird tell the baby bird off?

- For fowl language.
Quote from: tubby on Today at 12:45:53 pm

They both went in high, that's factually correct, both tried to play the ball at height.  Doku with his foot, Mac Allister with his chest.